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Critics and audiences can go hang. I love Ridley Scott’s Kingdom of Heaven. Then again I have a thing for siege warfare and plotz at the sight of a ballista. Crusades, swords, Edward Norton as Baldwin the leper-king of Jerusalem, Brendan Gleeson as the nasty Templar Reynald of Chatillion, Liam Neeson in yet another mentor role, the wonderful Syrian actor Ghassan Massoud as Saladin—what’s not to like? As with many Ridley Scott movies there are scenes that shock and awe—the pilgrims gathered at the port of Messina, the vast armies emerging from the shimmering desert. The real villain in this movie is religious fanaticism, embodied by the sanctimonious Patriarch of Jerusalem. There really was a Balian of Ibelin (the hero played by Orlando Bloom), but he was married to Baldwin’s father’s second wife Maria and not to Queen Sibylla (Eva Green). Balian did defend Jerusalem for 13 days, and then Saladin gave him terms and he went home.

The theatrical version of Kingdom of Heaven left many unanswered questions, which Ridley Scott addresses in the director’s cut DVD. Why does Balian the blacksmith know so much about siege engines? Because even before his father Godfrey returns to France, he has built siege engines for a local lord. He has done military service and knows hand to hand combat. The director’s cut includes all the back stories. The priest Balian kills is actually his brother. Godfrey’s brother is plotting against Godfrey, so when he sends soldiers to arrest Balian for murder, they have other intentions. The heir to Jerusalem is Sibylla’s young son; she discovers that he too has leprosy, and she has to make a terrible choice.

The DVD—original, not bootleg—features Tagalog subtitles which I suspect were written by a computer program. There are bizarre idiomatic lapses. During the siege Sibylla pretends to be a nun caring for the wounded. The gravedigger-turned-soldier tells her, “You are not a sister.” The translation: “Hindi ka isang kapatid na babae.” The battle dialogue is inadvertently funny/sexual when rendered in machine Tagalog. “Fire!” becomes “Paputukan!” “Let them come” becomes “Papasukin sila”, and when Balian says, “Rise a knight”, the words that appear are “Tumayo ang kabalyero.” Mr. Scott, I do translations, call me.