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When I heard that Patrick Suskind’s novel Perfume had been adapted into a movie, my first thought was, How will they translate all those smells into visual terms? (Short of providing the viewers with pellets of scent—”offal”, “chamber pots”, “rotting teeth”, etc—that they should break open at specific parts of the movie.) Perfume is about a man in 18th century France —an incredibly stinky period, Suskind writes—who is born with an amazing sense of smell but has no smell of his own, so he goes about creating one. How do you put that in a movie? My second thought was, Is Adrien Brody in it? Clearly the lead would have to act with his nose, express desire, lust, and pure evil with his nose, and Adrien is not only a great actor, he also has a prodigious schnozz. He’s so good that for much of The Pianist he doesn’t even have to speak, and he carries the movie.
The answer to my second question is No, Adrien’s not in it, and the answer to the first is, They didn’t. Instead of creating visual equivalents for olfactory sensations, the director Tom Tykwer (Run Lola, Run) uses a voice-over narrator (John Hurt, which puts me in mind of the Jim Henson TV series The Storyteller, a production superior to this). I am not against voice-overs, but in this case it’s a cop-out, a gyp, and just plain lazy. If I wanted the book read to me I’d get the mp3. If it is impossible (though I don’t believe it) to translate smells into cinematic terms, why bother to film Perfume?

Can’t wait to see Children of Men, Alfonso Cuaron’s adaptation of the PD James novel, and Pan’s Labyrinth, Guillermo del Toro’s fairy tale set in Spain under Franco. On the big screen, please. I tried to watch a bootleg of The Illusionist, and a man was speaking Russian over all the dialogue.

Happy Birthday to Riccardo: your age is now “tantamount”. I would send you Borat to sing the pseudo-Kazakh national anthem to the tune of Happy Birthday, but having read of his cousin’s work on the theory of mind (as The Economist put it, “the ability not only to hypothesise what other minds are thinking, but to hypothesise what they are thinking about what you are thinking”) I’ve decided that since we’re sort of in the same business, I’m going to marry into the Baron-Cohen family myself.

Emotional Weather Report, today in the Star.

When people complain about their insomnia as if it were a badge of honor, I find I have nothing to contribute to the discussion. I never have trouble sleeping. Waking up from a deep sleep, yes, but never falling asleep. If I sound smug it’s because I am. I am a virtuoso at sleep. I can fall asleep anywhere, and fast. When I was in college I would get on the bus, find a window seat, lean against the glass, and lose consciousness. Yes, I was one of those annoying passengers who lurched and swayed with every motion of the bus, occasionally crashing into a fellow passenger. If I ever drooled on you I apologize, and I hope my saliva did not eat through fabric, or worse, bone. Terrible when that happens. . .

Almost forgot to post my own list. In no particular order:

Last Night by James Salter. Short stories like a knife in your soul.
The God Delusion (science/religion) by Richard Dawkins. See Floodlights.
The Lost Painting (art/journalism) by Jonathan Harr. See Current Obsessions: Caravaggio.
American Purgatorio (novel) and I Am Not Jackson Pollock (stories) by John Haskell.
Suite Francaise (unfinished novel) by Irene Nemirovsky. Manuscript stashed in a suitcase, a devastating memoir of Paris in WWII.

We were trying to see if we could build a new school of philosophy. Our founding text would be this utterance by the actor-director Cesar Montano: “Essential yung eksena, so dapat tantamount ang level niya.”

The new philosophy covered dinner arrangements easily enough.
—What about dinner with Chus on Tuesday?
—Chusday is tantamount lang ang level para sa ‘kin.
—Essential!

But would Tantamountism hold up in the face of that great intellectual challenge, window-shopping and imaginary retail? Riccardo, Noel, and Carlo were going to Greenbelt 4 to see if any of the merchandise was “them” (viz. They point at the product and ask, “Is that me?”); I tagged along.

In the window of the Gucci store there was a golden gown, very slinky, reminiscent of Farrah Fawcett in her Charlie’s Angels period. Noel and Carlo examined it closely. Carlo remarked that it was just the right size for a female friend of his. “You’re the same size,” Noel said, “Why don’t you try it on?” Which led to our first thought-problem for Tantamountism: Can a man try on an outfit made for a woman? After some discussion we decided that if the outfit was essential and the man could afford it, then it was tantamount. Especially if he brought us along to observe and record the salespersons’ reactions.

Then Noel spotted a scarf that had been turned into a halter-top. “It would be alright if the wearer herself had taken a scarf and repurposed it into a top, but for the manufacturer to make that decision for her is presumptuous.” Almost fascistic, I added. In Tantamountist terms, it would be essential but not tantamount.

Riccardo pointed to a handbag. “That’s the finest leather they’ve produced, la pelle Guccissimo.” I gasped and gazed upon the handbag in awe. “What is it? Is it made of dead Guccis?” We agreed that it was not only essential but tantamount, especially if one could buy it without going into hock.
Exhausted by our philosophizing, we broke for dinner.

Saffy the library guardOriginally uploaded by Koosama.

Winners will be notified by email.

Filipino
In El Filibusterismo, where was Simoun’s bomb hidden? In a lamp
Which author wrote a series of short story collections and a novel set in Cubao? Tony Perez
In this book, Benedict Anderson asserts that Jose Rizal’s writing was influenced by anarchism. Name the book. Under Three Flags
Which short story by Nick Joaquin was filmed as Tatarin? Summer Solstice
What novel by Star columnist Krip Yuson was set in the St. Louis World Exposition of 1904? Voyeurs and Savages
A new translation of Noli Me Tangere was recently published by Penguin Classics. What is the translator’s name? Harold Augenbraum
The Katipunero general Artemio Ricarte wrote a fascinating autobiography. What was his nom de guerre? El Vibora
What is the title of the first anthology of erotica written by Filipino women? (It was published in 1992.) Forbidden Fruit
“Dead Stars” is one of the first published Filipino stories in English. Who wrote it? Paz Marquez Benitez
The title of this groundbreaking gay anthology is now the name of the gay, lesbian, and transgendered Filipino political party. What is it?
Ladlad

Books into Film
Which Ian McEwan novel, made into a film starring Daniel Craig, begins with a ballooning accident? Enduring Love
Whose short story was adapted into the Nicolas Roeg film, Don’t Look Now? Daphne Du Maurier
Daniel Day-Lewis plays an English twit who gets dumped by the heroine in the film version of E.M. Forster’s novel. What is the title of the book and movie? A Room With A View
The first rule of Fight Club is. . .You do not talk about Fight Club.
True or False: Alan Furst’s World War II spy thrillers have never been filmed. True
What poem by e.e. cummings is recited in Woody Allen’s Hannah and Her Sisters? “somewhere i have never travelled,gladly beyond. . .”
The line “Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind” is taken from whose poem? Alexander Pope’s
Which book of the Old Testament is quoted in P.T. Anderson’s film Magnolia? Exodus
Luchino Visconti’s magnificent film The Leopard was based on the novel by this Italian nobleman. What was his name? Giuseppe di Lampedusa
What is the title of the book Hugh Grant is reading in the last scene of Notting Hill? (It was also made into a movie. A terrible one.) Captain Corelli’s Mandolin

Afflictions
The narrator of Jonathan Lethem’s Motherless Brooklyn suffers from this affliction, which causes him to go off into linguistic riffs. Tourette’s syndrome
The narrator of this Mark Haddon novel has Asperger’s syndrome. What is the title of the novel? The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time
Who is The English Patient in Michael Ondaatje’s novel of the same title? Count Laszlo de Almasy
This Irish author had cerebral palsy, which did not stop him from boozing, brawling, and writing My Left Foot. What was his name? Christy Brown
Dostoevsky’s The Idiot spent many years in an institution because of this ailment. What is the ailment? Epilepsy

Pets
What is the name of the dog in Harlan Ellison’s post-apocalyptic story, A Boy and His Dog? Blood
The all-knowing cat in the title role of this short story by Saki (H.H. Munro). Tobermory
Merlin’s owl in T.H. White’s The Once and Future King. Archimedes
Who’s the guy in Franz Kafka’s story who wakes up one day to find himself transformed into a cockroach? Gregor Samsa
What is the title of the short novel by Evelyn Waugh set in a pet cemetery? The Loved One

Families
This novel by Leo Tolstoy begins with a comparison of happy and unhappy families. Anna Karenina
Name at least three of the Glass children in J.D. Salinger’s stories. (Bonus points if you can name all of them, extra bonus points if you give the titles of the stories in which they are the main protagonists.)
Seymour, Buddy, Boo Boo, Walt, Waker, Zooey, Franny
What was the name of King Arthur’s evil sister in The Once and Future King? Morgause
Which House emerged triumphant at the end of Frank Herbert’s Dune? Atreides
Why did Clytemnestra kill Agamemnon?
He sacrificed their daughter Iphigenia for a good wind so the fleet could said to Troy.

Food
What pastry set off Marcel Proust’s looong recollections? A madeleine
Who is the pastry chef in Cyrano de Bergerac who loves poetry and feeds freeloading poets? Ragueneau
This early play by Shakespeare features cannibalism. Titus Andronicus
What is the title of that Roald Dahl story in which the murder weapon is a frozen leg of lamb? Lamb to the Slaughter
In this novel by Chuck Palahniuk, the protagonist frequently requires the Heimlich maneuver in restaurants. Choke

Sports
What doorstopper-sized recent American novel is set in a tennis academy? Infinite Jest
Holden Caulfield was the manager of which team at Pencey Prep? Fencing
In The Great Gatsby, Nick Carraway was dating Jordan who played what sport? Golf
In The Age of Innocence, Newland Archer’s wife May dabbled in what sport? Archery
This Nabokov novel about a chess grandmaster was sometimes published as The Defense. What is its slightly longer title? The Luzhin Defense

Almost. Be among the first five people to answer 50 book-related questions correctly, and get a copy of The 500 People You Meet In Hell. In today’s Emotional Weather Report, in the Philippine Star.

Update: I’ve received more email entries than I anticipated and they’ve gotten nearly all the answers right, so to be on the safe side I’d name all the Glass children and the specific story/ies by J.D. Salinger in which each one appears.

I asked some serious readers (my definition: people who read at least one book a week, not counting technical manuals, feasibility studies, things required at work) to name the five best books they read in 2006 (they don’t have to be recent publications). The lists will be posted as they arrive.

Reader: Jaime Augusto Zobel, candidate for cloning
An off-the-cuff list:
Imperium by Robert Harris. Set in ancient Rome, feels modern.
Pathfinders by Felipe Fernandez Armesto
Austerlitz by W.G. Sebald
The Riders by Tim Winton, and Winton’s story collection, The Turning. The stories are linked across time. Excellent characterization, painfully raw at times in its depiction of individuals in “small town” Australia. This writer deserves far greater recognition globally.
The Lighthouse by P.D. James

Reader: Mario Taguiwalo, information cruncher
1. The Unschooled Mind by Howard Gardner: lots of respect for the enduring mind formed at 5-6 years old.
2. The Moral Foundations of Politics by Ian Shapiro: why GMA has no moral basis for legitimacy from utilitarian, marxist or democratic perspectives.
3. Breaking the Spell by Daniel Dennett: it’s time to examine religion as a natural phenomenon.
4. 1776 by David McCullough: The USA was neither inevitable nor destined; it was improvised through one accident after another.
5. The Wisdom Paradox by Elkhonon Goldberg: latest synthesis of neurosciences says the more we use our minds, the healthier they are; lots of really neat stuff about the organ above the neck.

Reader: Uro de la Cruz, compulsive theorizer
Xerxes Invades Greece by Herodotus, the Penguin edition
Adios Hemingway by Leonardo Fuentes
Caligari to Hitler by Siegfried Kracauer
Infidelities by Josip Novakovich
I wish I had not bothered to read The Mysterious Flame of Queen Loana by Umberto Eco.

Reader: Tina Cuyugan, scourge of the asinine
Philip Larkin: Collected Poems. Mercilessly bleak, hilarious, and unforgettable. Concentrated misogyny guaranteed to send feminists into foaming frenzy. The perfect antidote to any gooey feelings left over from Christmas.
The Places In Between by Rory Stewart (travel). Skinny, intrepid Englishman takes two years to cross (on foot) the frozen wastes of war-torn Afghanistan, clad in itchy woolen robes, and with only a toothless mastiff for company. I’m marrying this man.
The People’s Act of Love by James Meek (novel). More frozen wastes, this time in Siberia. Anarchy. Shamans. Revolution. Exile. Christian madness. Nobility in extreme circumstances. Cannibalism of the most pragmatic kind. Oh, and true love.
The Glass Castle by Jeannette Walls (family memoir) Brilliant, irresponsible parents create a hell of poverty and dislocation for their kids–who, despite everything, still love mom and pop with clear-eyed compassion. Stop whining about your own childhood.
King Leopold’s Ghost by Adam Hochschild (history) The true heart of darkness beat in the breast of this 19th-century European monarch who plundered and terrorized the Congo. Prototype of many a 20th-century megalomaniac.

Reader: Din Atienza, masticator of worlds
A Canticle for Leibowitz by Walter Miller Jr.
My umpteenth re-read, obviously a personal favorite. Random quote: “I am the Immaculate Conception. Accurate am I the exception. I commensurate the deception. Am.” Brilliant!
Blink: the power of thinking without thinking by Malcolm Gladwell
The lazy, Jabba-the-Hutt side of me was immediately attracted to its title. Better-written and more thoughtful than its predecessor The Tipping Point, although I am still undecided if its thesis is brilliantly profound or profoundly stupid.
Last and First Men by Olaf Stapledon
Revered among the science fiction cognoscenti as a seminal work. Found it somewhat odd, as it is not really a novel, but a big picture summary of the history of mankind narrated by an omniscient being. It’s obvious he laid the groundwork for many SF writers, although many of these ideas we take for granted now. Ironic though, almost like some college punk reading a Greek tragedy and saying, Hey, they ripped off Star Wars!
The No.1 Ladies Detective Agency by Alexander McCall Smith
Bottom line: the wife was reading it and I had nothing new to read in the house for the entire weekend.
Star Trek: Star Fleet Technical Manual by Franz Joseph
Hi, my name is *** and I’m a Star Trek fan. Dark, guilty pleasure, but no shame there. I am large, I contain multitudes.

Reader: Grace Subido, recovering academic
Boswell’s Clap and Other Essays by William B. Ober - medical analyses of literary men’s afflictions
Lives of Muses by Francine Prose
Letters Of A Nation, edited by Andrew Carrol - appeals to the voyeur in me. Particularly amused by letter from Earl Stanley Gardner to Black Mask magazine: ” ‘Three O’Clock in the Morning’ is a damn good story. If you have any comments, write ‘em on the back of a check.”
Contemporary Fiction, 50 Short Stories since 1970, edited by Lex Williford.
The Art of Literary Research by Richard Altick - puts a different ante on academic writing, especially as a lot of writers in the academe have to realize that “language. . .is not to be treated like a wrestling opponent.”

Click on Comments to post your own list.

My friend Rene hails a taxi on the other side of the street. The driver signals him to cross, meaning he will take passengers. So Rene gets into the cab. “Sa Fort po,” he tells the driver. The driver scratches his head to signify that much as he’d like to oblige, he has to decline. “Ay, pupunta kasi ako sa LTFRB para magpa-seal ng metro.”
“Ganoon ho ba?” Rene says in a pleasant tone of voice. “Eh di sasakay na ako papuntang LTFRB para i-report kayo.”
“Bakit naman?” the driver says.
“Hindi niyo ba napanood sa news kagabi?” Rene says. “7pm at 11pm. Sabi ho nila, pag may taxi na ayaw tumanggap ng pasahero, i-text sa LTFRB hotline.”
The driver scratches his head again, to signify that he would rather not oblige, but has no choice. Or maybe his dandruff  is eating his brain. He mutters darkly to himself—something about passengers who make his life difficult.
Rene never stops smiling. “Pagpunta ho ninyo sa LTFRB, itanong ninyo kung ano ang hotline para sa mga pasaherong makulit na ayaw bumaba.”
The taxi brought him to The Fort without further incident.

When I was a kid I thought Hanna Barbera was the clever woman who made all those cartoons. Then again, I thought martial law was a mean Chinese woman. William Hanna and Joseph Barbera created Tom and Jerry, The Flintstones, Scooby-Doo, The Jetsons, Huckleberry Hound and many other cartoons.

Remember The Funky Phantom? What a strange idea: one of America’s founders reappearing as a funny ghost. His favorite expression was, “Heavens to Murgatroyd!” Who was Murgatroyd? I googled the name and many genealogies turned up but I’m not sure exactly which Murgatroyd was referred to. Amazing how much stuff we remember that we don’t even remember we remember.

My sister and I were at the mall one day when we saw a woman standing in front of a store, wielding a microphone and singing. She was really exercising her vocal chords, oblivious to the throngs walking past her. Who were just as oblivious to her performance. A few minutes later, inside a bookstore, we spotted another singer, male, who was so engrossed in his own vocalising that he was practically fellating the microphone. The caterwauling issuing from another corner of the mall indicated yet another vocalist. I counted five singers that afternoon, all of them demonstrating the capabilities of their handheld karaoke mic. They had varying degrees of singing ability, but most of them seemed very serious about what they were doing; you could tell that in their minds they were not just standing in a mall ignored by passersby, but on the stage of the Araneta Coliseum, cheered on by their adoring public. The fact that nobody seemed to notice or care was beside the point; they were singing in a large venue.

“See what people have to endure to make a living,” I told Cookie. “Standing there singing like fools while everyone walks right past them. Think of the embarrassment.”

Cookie harrumphed. I don’t know about your sisters, but mine harrumphs, and occasionally supplements her commentary with eyeball-rolling. “What do you mean, embarrassment? Where are you from? It’s probably their dream job! They get to stand in the mall and sing all day in front of an audience. They’re professional singers. Sort of.”

I feel like an alien.

The world has run amuck, religion gets away with bloody murder, and more than ever we need the consolations of rational thinking. Reading The God Delusion by Richard Dawkins, author of The Selfish Gene and The Blind Watchmaker, is like flicking on a light switch in your brain—there’s a series of pops as the stadium floodlights come on, wiping out the darkness in which you’ve been living. If you are incensed at how powerful lobbies attempt to bring creationism back by repackaging it as “intelligent design”, read this book. If you are sick of being bullied by evangelists and fundamentalists bludgeoning the hordes with their ignorance, read this book. If you feel compelled to feign belief in things that have always struck you as illogical and more than slightly silly, read this book. If you’re afraid to announce what you really think because you’re afraid to be isolated, read this book. If you can’t buy it or find it, I’ll lend it to you. No, wait, I just remembered all the books I had that were never returned. But read this book.