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In a book review by James Wolcott that was only tangentially about headless bodies and topless bars, I found the classic New York tabloid headline above. I showed it to Tina, who said she would’ve done the deed herself to be able to run that headline. Tina’s no slouch at headline-writing: as foreign news editor of TODAY her classics included “There’s mice in rice from Thais, solon cries” and (I’m not sure this is the exact wording) “Exiled king attends funeral of playwright who said God was an oval” (Ionesco was the dead playwright).

Our friend Nestor is a connoisseur of tabloid headlines. One of his choice examples is “Pretty Headless Coed Raped”, which raises all sorts of semantic issues. (a) How did they know she was pretty? (b) Was she pretty and headless, or pretty headless as in “The situation is pretty awful”? (c) Did the rape occur before or after the detachment of the head?

At one dinner Nestor presented us with this headline: “Ginang Namatay Sa Tamod” (Wife Dies From/Because of Semen). “How do you think it happened?” he quizzed us like a stern schoolmistress. “Um…she…uh…choked…to death?” Karina ventured, cringing as if she expected Mother Superior to rap her knuckles with a ruler. “No,” said Nestor. “It was on the floor, and she slipped on it, fell, landed on her head and smashed her skull,” I said with the confidence of one who has seen too much C.S.I. “Wrong!” Apparently the woman had been having an affair, and on that occasion failed to remove the DNA evidence. Which her amorous husband discovered, whereupon he flew into a murderous rage. There’s a Valentine story.