JessicaRulestheUniverse.com

Auditions for US Open ballkids were held recently in Flushing. It’s the only slam where the retrievers actually get paid. Of course the real attraction is being right on the court for the matches, getting conked on the head by a ball, and handling the players’ sweaty towels (yucch, but then it depends which player).

John McEnroe was a ballkid.

Remember that Seinfeld episode where Kramer had a crush on a Croatian tennis player and became a ballboy at the US Open then he knocked a player unconscious while retrieving the ball?

Meanwhile, Maria Sharapova’s shrieks hit 103.7 decibels in her loss to Venus Villiams at Wimbledon. The human threshold for pain is 115 decibels. Then she becomes a threat to public safety. If you get hearing loss while watching a match, can you file suit? With both banshees screaming I expect birds fell out of the sky and cats and dogs tried to bury themselves. Why hasn’t that girl been gagged? In 1992 Monica Seles was reprimanded for grunting and ordered not to do it again. She went on to lose the final to Steffi Graf, whom she’d been beating regularly.