JessicaRulestheUniverse.com

Hitman, directed by one Xavier Gens and written by one Skip Woods, is so idiotic we couldn’t even hate it. We ended up giggling through most of it—the 80s Eurotrash music! the cheesy slow-motion! the ham acting! Why did I even watch it? Because it stars Timothy Olyphant and I love Deadwood the series. I just hope Timothy got paid major bucks for this, because it is not going to help his film career. I suspect Hitman is a money-laundering enterprise, which is kind of funny because watching clothes go round in the washing machine is more exciting than the action sequences in the movie. Some investors probably approached the producers and said, Hey, we have all this money, make us a movie based on that videogame, and by the way we really like the Bourne trilogy. So the makers go for that world-without-borders feel and even have a score reminiscent of Bourne Supremacy’s, except that everything is 70 IQ points lower than the Matt Damon series. Here’s something I thought I’d never utter in my lifetime: Watch Enchanted instead, just beware of shrieking Patrick Dempsey fans. Sheesh, watch One More Chance even, Hitman is that bad.