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*My life as a talky movie. Grover and Guy Smiley have requested that their pseudonyms be changed to Bert and Ernie, respectively, as they feel they resemble these Sesame Street characters more than they do Grover and Guy. Obviously Bert and Ernie are the perfect characters for our non-adventures series, because they care about the accuracy of their muppet avatars. Kermit is now Big Bird because he has imaginary friends (Snuffleupagi) who might turn out to be real, and The Count is now Kermit. Since we are basically nerds and most of our action is mental, the movie would be less Less Than Zero, than Less Than Coke Zero.

Weekday, 9pm.

Bert: Have you seen my writing bag?
Ernie and Grungella: It’s beautiful! I want one!
Ernie: Look, the manufacturer’s tag says ‘Isle Manilhe’. Manilhe, not Manille.
Grungella: Is that correct?
Ernie: Maybe it’s not French, but another language.
There is a crash.
Bert: I cut my toe.
Grungella: What happened?
Bert: The clock fell on it.
Grungella: The clock fell on it?
Bert: It was on the stepladder.
Grungella: Why was the clock on the stepladder?
Ernie: Let’s check the French dictionary. Oh look, ‘Manilhe’ is an alternate spelling.
Bert: Should I let it bleed?
Grungella: Is it bleeding? (Note: The cut is 2mm long.)
Bert: Maybe it’s bleeding internally.
Ernie: So ‘Manilhe’ is correct. Shouldn’t ‘Isle’ be ‘Ile’, though?
Bert: What should I do with it?
Ernie: Maybe it’s an alternate spelling. No, it’s not here. Let’s look at another dictionary.
Bert: It’s painful.
Ernie: Disinfect it. Maybe it’s archaic French.
Bert: Should I bandage it?
Grungella: Leave it alone, let your antibodies do the work.
Ernie: No, ‘isle’ is incorrect.
Grungella: And even if it were correct, Manila is not an island!
Bert wonders if he should take his toe to the ER.

So your time isn’t entirely wasted: Descended from Salinger in the NYT.