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Esquire features the late David Foster Wallace’s classic, obsessive essay on tennis, The String Theory. The subject of his essay, Michael Joyce, now works with Maria Sharapova. Most if not all of the players DFW mentions have retired, including Jeff Tarango, fondly nicknamed “Psycho”. The essay brings up probably the most unfortunate names ever to grace the tour: Cyril Suk and Alex Lopez-Moron. Imagine cheering for the latter: Mo-RON! Mo-RON! Imagine if they played doubles.

Note DFW’s virulent hatred of Andre Agassi. I didn’t like Agassi either, but not as much as I loathed Ivan Lendl. My opinion of Andre changed after he fell out of the top 100, then made his amazing comeback. Marrying Steffi Graf also helped. DFW expressed surprise at how good-looking Goran Ivanisevic was. We’ll always love Goran Ivanisevic. He wasn’t “good-looking for a Croat”—and by the way Croats are good-looking people—he was lovely, period.