JessicaRulestheUniverse.com

I hadn’t seen a new movie in over a week, I was desperate to watch anything. Finally I managed to convince someone to watch ITALY with me (I wonder why no one else wanted to go). Tickle-Me Elmo and I agreed to meet at Glorietta last Saturday for the 6.30 screening. When we got there ITALY had been replaced; its last full show was at 4.30pm. So much for my plan to review it in sentences that can be reduced to the acronym ITALY.

Today I dragged Tickle-Me Elmo to Eagle Eye. It was either that or Traveling Pants 2 (didn’t see the first one) or Bangkok Dangerous (I am distressed by Nicolas Cage’s hairline). Besides, I like Shia LaBeouf and was genuinely distressed by that Details magazine cover in which his hands look tiny. Tickle-Me Elmo believes there is a conspiracy against moviegoers; there hasn’t been a good movie in Manila theatres in six weeks. What’s going on? Is it going to be like this until the Hey, Oscar! season? Some theatres even brought back Mamma Mia, the movie that cannot be killed even if it already smells like a corpse.

Eagle Eye has an interesting premise—the government is spying on everybody—but it is loud, incomprehensible, and generally senseless. Shia and Michelle Monaghan star as the poor schmucks who are forced to do a mysterious entity’s bidding. They don’t know who it is, but it sees and hears everything they do. Hey, didn’t I see that in an old Will Smith flick? The entity is so powerful it can control traffic lights, airports and airplanes, and contact Shia using the phone of whoever happens to be standing next to him. It’s like the world’s most demanding girlfriend. Shia and Michelle make the movie almost bearable, although it’s always entertaining watching Rosario Dawson try to act. Few actors can wring such emotion out of walking to the elevator.

“How refreshing to find that the local movie industry doesn’t have a monopoly on badness,” said Tickle-Me Elmo. “The guys who made Cavite (the Fil-Am movie) should sue. It’s the same plot.”

“You’re right, it’s Cavite with a gajillion-dollar budget,” I said. “I am relieved that Shia has normal-size hands.”

“Shia LaBeouf and John Lloyd Cruz should star together in a movie with no plot, just close-ups,” Tickle-Me Elmo suggested. The sad part is, I might watch that.