JessicaRulestheUniverse.com

For the first time in nearly two decades, I changed my hairstyle. In the early 90s I had long, curly hair which threatened to engulf any room it was in. After a shampoo, it would expand like the universe in the immediate post-Big Bang period. I attempted to tame it with an assortment of products: mousse, gel, leave-on conditioner. But not hairspray. If I’d used hairspray, global warming would be way more advanced today than it already is.

When the perm wore off after a year or so, I just wore my hair long and straight. Okay, straightish. My hair is naturally wavy and unruly; the technical term is “buhaghag”. It doesn’t help that I refuse to have it rebonded, relaxed, or even blow-dried. I am extremely attached to my brain, it’s my favorite organ, and I’m not letting any chemicals or heating appliances near its protective casing of bone and hair. True, when I was doing a TV show I let myself be convinced to have my hair blow-dried, but that was just once a week. I have so much hair it requires two stylists and an entire hour to blow-dry, and afterwards their arms are really toned. It’s good hair, I’m not complaining—the strands are thick and strong, you could floss with them. I went to the salon twice a year to have four inches lopped off the ends; otherwise it stayed the same.

Last week I realized I was tired of my usual hairstyle. I’d been wearing it pulled back with a headband and held up by a butterfly clip, which is practical but boring. However, I didn’t want one of those fussy hairstyles that would require waking up early and slathering on product. Ernie was going to the salon to have his hair relaxed and cut, so he suggested that I see his stylist after his appointment. Ernie has even more hair than I do, it’s amazing. Bert calls it “Hair that grew a bakla.” When I showed up at Basement after Ernie’s haircut, it looked like there’d been a massacre of tribbles. It looked like Cousin It had committed suicide. 

I had very little choice in what happened next—my glasses were off, so I couldn’t see what the stylist was doing. Ernie art-directed everything. The result is a layered late-70s cut that Ernie calls “All of Dolphy’s Angels conflated in one head.” (Children, Dolphy’s Angels was a 70s action-comedy ripoff of Charlie’s Angels starring Yehlen Catral, Carmi Martin, Liz Alindogan and Ana Marie Gutierrez. Now you can win a trivia contest.)