JessicaRulestheUniverse.com

We’ve all heard variations on The Story of the Fat Man Who Flushed the Airline Toilet While He Was Still Seated. This is the variation I heard, and my sources (I heard it from at least three people) swear it really happened.

Not too long ago, a gentleman weighing about 300 pounds was on a flight from Manila to the US (or the US to Manila) when he had to use the toilet. When he finished, he made the unfortunate mistake of hitting the flush before he had stood up. This caused his sizable derriere to get sucked into the toilet, wedging him into the seat. He tried to pry himself out, to no avail. Worse, his guts were getting pulled downwards, causing who knows what internal damage. The stuck man was too embarrassed to hit the emergency button—like most people he did not want to be caught with his pants down and his ass wedged in the toilet. But excruciating physical pain trumps vanity, so he summoned the flight attendant. She tried to pull him out, by herself then with the aid of another flight attendant, but he was really and truly stuck. The man’s situation—colon being hoovered, danger of unscheduled neutering—was dangerous enough for the plane to make an emergency landing at the nearest airport. There the toilet was removed and the trapped man rescued.

Garrison Keillor’s recent thoughts on what must be a fairly common occurrence.