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My gay Superbowl event (watching Oscars with friends) was cancelled at 3am and I didn’t have the stamina to watch the telecast alone even with the inviting prospect of Hugh Jackman’s pants tearing during a musical number. Michael just texted me that Meryl Streep had lost. Ah.

Here are nine ways to read The Reader, the vehicle of Kate Winslet’s victory (though the voters may have been thinking of her performance in Revolutionary Road).

Photo: Hell by Jake and Dinos Chapman

1. The Nazi concentration camp guard who regularly chose people to be killed and let 300 people burn to death in a church wasn’t evil, she was just illiterate.

2. The Nazi concentration camp guard who regularly chose people to be killed and let 300 people burn to death in a church wouldn’t have done those bad things if she knew how to read.

3. The Nazi concentration camp guard who regularly chose people to be killed and let 300 people burn to death in a church was not aware that she was participating in genocide. The average Germans were anti-Hitler. Yeah, like the average French were in the Resistance. Riiight.

4. The Nazi concentration camp guard who regularly chose people to be killed and let 300 people burn to death in a church never felt remorse for her deeds, but she taught herself how to read! Wow!

5. The Nazi concentration camp guard who regularly chose people to be killed and let 300 people burn to death in a church spent 20 years in prison listening to and reading books. And that’s punishment enough, cause reading is, like, boring.

6. The Nazi concentration camp guard who regularly chose people to be killed and let 300 people burn to death in a church and then taught herself to read proves that you can do anything as long as you put your mind to it.

7. The Nazi concentration camp guard who regularly chose people to be killed and let 300 people burn to death in a church then taught herself to read while in prison didn’t have Elie Wiesel, Simone Weil, or Primo Levi on her reading list so she couldn’t understand her part in the Holocaust.

8. The Nazi concentration camp guard who regularly chose people to be killed and let 300 people burn to death in a church was illiterate and working class while her victims were overeducated and live on Park Avenue so it was a class thing.

9. The Nazi concentration camp guard who regularly chose people to be killed and let 300 people burn to death in a church had sex with a 15-year-old boy then learned to read, so let’s give Kate Winslet an Oscar because we should’ve given her one years ago.

P.S. Sean Penn! Thank you, commie homo-loving sons of guns. Now I return to cramming Watchmen in time for the movie.