JessicaRulestheUniverse.com

Blame it on the Mee Grob. I wanted something different from my usual lunch so I ordered the mee grob. Didn’t realize there was so much tofu in it and I hate tofu. There I was trying to avoid the tofu in the noodles when there was a sudden blast of noise.

Someone was playing Air Supply in my presence.

I would rather hear an orchestra of flatulent trolls farting the complete discography of Paula Abdul than hear anything by Air Supply. That noise polluter had to be eradicated. I looked around to see the source of the horror—it was emanating from one of the cars displayed in the hallway. A salesperson had gotten into the car, turned up the radio, and was headbanging to an Air Supply song. How it is possible to headbang to Air Supply I have no idea, but this person was doing it and he seemed extremely pleased with himself.

I sat there chewing crispy noodles, thinking, Maybe it’ll stop. It didn’t. Do I live and let live? Do I sit idly by while this creature vaporizes all unprotected brains within a 1-km radius? Will I allow this troglodyte to unleash this atrocity on the entire populace? Hell no!

I went up to the sales staff and said, “Could you turn that down. Nakakairita.” It was couched as a request, but it clearly did not end in a question mark or offer the possibility of a negative answer. Use The Voice.

Instantly, silence.

In employing The Voice I took inspiration from Armida Siguion Reyna, whom I’d run into a half-hour earlier. She must be pushing 80 and she looks terrific. She was wearing an ornate metallic headband low on her forehead. “Tita Midz,” I said, “What a lovely headband.” She said, “Masakit lang minsan kung mali ang kapit.” (It hurts sometimes when it’s put on the wrong way.)

We all have our favorite Armida stories. If you type her name using predictive spelling, the program tries to change the spelling to “Armada”, which is also correct. I once saw her on a talk show where the host said, “Tita Midz, you look so young! What’s your secret?” She quickly replied, “Nagpa-facelift ako.”

Tita Midz is the master at not taking guff from anyone. There’s the story of the immigration official who asked her, “Why do you come to New York every six months?” Her riposte: “Because I’m rich.”