JessicaRulestheUniverse.com

First order of business: Forgive yourself for overindulging during the holidays. So you ate/drank/put verb here) too much: that’s what holidays are for. No use saying “I shouldn’t have” etc, because unless you invent a time machine you cannot undo what’s already been done (and enjoyed, admit that. However if you overindulged but did not enjoy it, we cannot help you).

What should you have done anyway? Gaze at the roast pig (or the roasted calf with a roasted pig in it with a roasted chicken in it with paella in it), heave an ostentatious sigh, decline a serving, then go on and on and on about your diet, triglycerides and ideal weight? That would ruin the feast for everyone else, assuming they were listening to your boring guilt trip.

Self-laceration is pointless unless one is a masochist (and painful if one is a literalist). Or some kind of artist/writer. Amazing how much beauty arises from the most sordid circumstances. Best to leave self-laceration to the pros who have the talent and training for it, or you’ll just come across as a whining ninny.

Remember that the holidays are over and moderation is the key to a sensible life. Then forgive yourself for the excesses of the last month because whingeing is so tiresome, and face it, nobody cares about your little crises. We all have problems of our own, why should you hog everyone’s attention? Your friends will listen to you but have some consideration for them, they’re probably half-dead of boredom.

And don’t say, “I wish every day were a holiday” because if every day’s a holiday then no day is a holiday, you know what I’m saying? Now get to work.