JessicaRulestheUniverse.com

Congratulations to writer-director Chris Martinez, co-producer Joji Alonso of Quantum Films, and the fabulous cast of Here Comes The Bride: their movie has reportedly crossed the Php100 Million mark. Blockbuster! I’m with the audience on this one: It’s hysterical! Here is a genuinely funny movie with greatish performances by Tuesday Vargas, Jaime Fabregas, John Lapus, Eugene Domingo, and Angelica Panganiban. Angelica is so effective as a sweet girl possessed by a raging bakla, we all agree that she can keep Derek Ramsay.

I’m particularly happy for Joji, who has patiently and generously supported independent Filipino film (Jeffrey Jeturian’s Kubrador, Bing Lao’s Biyaheng Lupa and others) despite the limited commercial prospects. That’s a true believer; I can’t think of anyone more deserving of a hit.

Writing the English subtitles for Here Comes The Bride was a challenge because some of the funniest lines are in Tagalog gayspeak. How do you translate the dialogue into American English without going into detail? Gayspeak is such a rich, complex system rooted in Filipino pop culture—how do you translate it for non-Tagalog speakers who don’t know the context? I’ll tell you how: by locking yourself up in a cold room with pots of coffee.

This was the most headachey bit to translate. In the scene where beautician I mean image stylist Ricky Rivero visits the bride-to-be to do her make-up, Angelica Panganiban pops out in full make-up, coiffure, and beachwear and says:

“Apir apir apir! Hindi na uso yan. Wisik-wisik na lang. Masdan mo ang beauty ko, tataas ang kilay mo!”

A literal translation wouldn’t work. “Up here, up here, up here! That’s not fashionable anymore. Just a splash of water. Look at my beauty, your eyebrows will raise themselves.” Not just dull, but not even gay.

I slept on the problem, and the following morning I came up with this. “Appear, appear, appear! No need for make-up here. Just a spritz here and there, throw your eyebrows in the air.” What do you think? Actually I don’t care what you think, Chris and Joji liked it.

Name some winners of the Nobel Prize in Literature who have been in this situation. Hah!