Eek! Lips: Comparative advantages of the vampire boyfriend and the werewolf boyfriend
Bert: I like Kellan Lutz in those Calvin Klein ads.
Me: You should watch those Twilight movies then.
Bert: He’s in the Twilight movies?!
Me: Yeah, he’s a vampire.
Bert: Why didn’t you tell me Twilight was excellent! You said it was garbage!
Ernie: I saw Eclipse. I know the secret of their success: the girl is the boy and the vampire is the girl. He can’t even react when she kisses the topless werewolf.
Bert: He’s. . .topless?
Ernie: All the time. It’s the werewolves’ uniform: topless with cutoff denims.
Bert: Why didn’t you tell me Eclipse was a five-star movie!?
My review of Twilight Saga: Eclipse: Dating A Vampire vs. Dating A Werewolf
1. A vampire is literally cool (to the touch). A werewolf is literally hot. You should date the vampire in the summer and the werewolf in winter. We don’t have winter in the tropics so you can sneak around with your werewolf during typhoons and cold snaps.
2. Vampires look great in velvet, silk, capes and vintage fashions, and are totally into couture. Werewolves look great in cutoff denims and no shirt, but this limits your dining options to fast food joints, outdoor BBQs and seafood markets. And forget about dining al fresco on the full moon.
2.a. You and the vampire can go to the opera, the symphony, the ballet every night, but try getting the werewolf in the door. Whether or not this is an advantage depends on your feelings about the opera, the symphony, and the ballet.
3. Vampires have more money. They’re immortal, so even the most financially-illiterate vampire will get rich if he opens a savings account and leaves it alone for 200 years (But not with Philippine interest rates ha ha ha). Werewolves have fewer economic opportunities because it’s hard to get a good business manager if you’re essentially a very big dog. Unless you go into showbiz.
4. Every time you get a paper cut your vampire will be all over you, which might be charming at first but you’ll have to get a taser. On the other hand, every time you throw something your werewolf will fetch it and bring it back to you. Your choice.
5. Vampires have no smell, but werewolves have that wet dog scent.
6. With a vampire you’ll never have to compete for use of the bathroom mirror. With a werewolf you’ll have to carry a lint brush at all times.
7. Vampires don’t age so if you don’t want to look like his grandmother you’ll need botox and surgery eventually. Of course if he turns you into a vampire you’ll never have to worry about wrinkles, crow’s feet, and sun spots again. Werewolves don’t care how old you look as long as you smell like bacon.
8. Vampires have been around for ages so they tend to be jaded and indifferent to your interests. Werewolves are half-man, half-man’s best friend so they tend to be too enthusiastic about your interests. Bottom line: Are you a cat person, or a dog person?
Answers to questions you might be asking, unless you wandered onto this site purely by accident >>>
July 5th, 2010 at 21:58
actually philippine interest rates are not bad ha. for US dollar, big banks in the US are giving like 1.01% for CDs. in RP they give more. but if i were a vampire, i’d convert everything to australian dollars, AUD gets really good interest rates these days.
July 5th, 2010 at 22:16
Ha! Why wouldn’t you want to look like his grandma and get botox and surgery when vampire grandmas don’t age, too? How racist of you to presume all vampires are fostered!
July 5th, 2010 at 23:57
I don’t really get what those two attractive men see in that girl who is improperly named “Bella”. The vampire is cold and the werewolf is hot. Opposites attract. There were actually sparks between them when they sniped at each other and tried to make each other jealous. Whenever one of them was alone with the girl, there’s no emotion, no romance even. Maybe both of them were in denial. Instead of unleashing their passion on each other, they just let the girl absorb it all. In the end, the girl is the only one who gets thoroughly kissed and thoroughly groped. Transference.
July 6th, 2010 at 00:43
I personally don’t see what’s so appealing about the Twilight series (I have yet to read the books), but the movies have shirtless homoerotic werewolves, so I’m game.
July 6th, 2010 at 09:23
Everytime Twilight series movies come out I always find myself defending the series. I have read the books and they haven’t. So I always end up telling them that they have no right to criticize. But this time, on Eclipse, for some reason they did watch the film. And now all I’m defending is Jacob Black because basically most of them go for Edward. They are now reading the books. Hahaha
July 6th, 2010 at 13:28
but, er…relations…with a vampire would be like being violated by a popsicle.
July 7th, 2010 at 02:49
i had the cutest experiences when i watched the last two twilight movies: for new moon, there were 3 big gangster-looking guys sitting next to me, who maybe thought they were going to watch something out of the wesley-snipes-blade genre instead of eek-a vampire love story heehee.. then i watched eclipse, and there were only a few teenagers in the theater, but you’d still hear giggling from the mostly middle-aged crowd whenever jacob or edward spoke the cheesy lines.. twilight, 5 stars for being funny without even trying :)
July 7th, 2010 at 09:15
What’s always bugged me was that they were able to have a KID. Aren’t vampires supposed to be dead? Or is it just their sperm that lives?
Obviously, I read the books. :P Not watching the film, though.
July 7th, 2010 at 17:11
@happysadist: I had the same thoughts too!
I found the last installment so lame. It seems as though Stephenie Meyer went for the “all’s well that ends well” ending so as to appease the readers. The poor werewolf was given the consolation of being with Bella and Edward’s daughter just because he couldn’t win the Mom. What is even more pathetic was the fact that this wasn’t done naturally, the werewolf had to take matters into his hands and “imprint” the child so as to mark his ownership! And what’s up with the grand vampire reunion in the end?! Geez.
No offense meant to the fans, but Lestat will always be number 1. :)
July 7th, 2010 at 18:48
I watched Twilight and Eclipse but not Newmoon. I was so mad that time (due to other reasons) that I did not bother to watch Newmoon! =))
Eclipse is humorous. I like some of the cheesy lines and Jacob’s I’m-hotter-than-you line! Eclipse is not a bad movie at all. Ü
July 8th, 2010 at 11:33
Bah. Buffy can take all of those prettyboy vamps. I miss Buffy/Angel.