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My boyfriend is a fashionista. Do people still say ‘fashionista’? Anyway he works in media so he has to keep up with the latest trends. But lately his fashion choices have become too flamboyant and my friends have been teasing me that my boyfriend is gay. Should I tell him to tone down his dressing?

One of woman’s greatest conceits is the belief that she can completely change a man to suit her purposes. If she has the ability to turn lead into pure gold, she can doubtlessly thoroughly transform a man. If she doesn’t she can just dream on.

One changes when one desires to do so. It is basic in psychotherapy that true change begins when one acknowledges one’s deficiencies and actively tries to alter them.

There are occasions when we can prevail upon a person to change. People are usually at their best when there is a guest, an important event, a formal ceremony, a dress code, a code of conduct to be observed, or are trying to make an impression. These changes, however, are temporary and people always revert to their usual selves when the occasion is over.

Nagging someone about their personality quirks or way of doing things won’t help. It will only make that person defensive and resentful. When we criticize someone, we are attacking them. Attacks have never been welcome. That is why ancient cities built thick walls, turtles hide in shells and we ignore those who make us their makeover project.

As a friend we could tell her to stop wearing a hideous dress or tell him to wear deodorant. We can tell a person to reconsider what he is doing when he is embarrassing or harming himself. But when it comes to small details or things that occur in a person routinely, we should never nag. It is invasive. As has oft been said, we should accept everyone for who they are. There would be fewer quarrels and we would be more content with ourselves and with each other. Of course we are not obliged to like everyone. At best, let’s just leave each other alone.

We should never attempt to change the one we love. Before we commit to someone, we must be ready to accept our partner’s shortcomings. We love what is good and accept what is bad. If the shortcomings outweigh the good qualities, we have no business committing. Never assume that our love will be the force of change. We will only exhaust ourselves. We are not Belle in Beauty and the Beast. The possibility of us starring in an animated feature nominated for Best Picture at the Oscars is remote. Remember As Good As It Gets starring Helen Hunt and Jack Nicholson? Romantic, yes, but we were never assured that their relationship would last.

We can actually change people: not by telling them what to do but by showing them. Words can be challenged but actions and positive results are absolute. No one dares question what has been conclusively proven. The best way to change people is by influencing them. They must first recognize that what we are doing is good and it is only then that they will open themselves to what we have to teach.

I know a couple that we would describe as mismatched. The guy is fit, good-looking and very fashionable. At first glance, you would think he’s gay. The girl is robust, dresses well, decent-looking and has personality. The guy is more flamboyant than the girl. They are happy and have been going strong for some years. I guess they fell in love with each other’s spirits and saw that there’s no need to change one another.

People are bound to change throughout the years. Some for the better, and some for the worse. Some discover who they truly are and live it out. The only way to deal with change is to embrace it.

Now Hester, the new-found flamboyance of your boyfriend may be just a phase. Or it could be an expression of his true and emerging self. Just wait and see. But be prepared for you might no longer be a couple but the bestest of friends. Instead of enjoying a romantic movie together, you could end up as the back-up dancer in his routine, singing “No matter gay, straight or bi/lesbian, transgendered life/I’m on the right track, baby/I was born to survive.” He won’t be a drag but a queen.