Aunt Janey’s Old-Fashioned Agony Column # 11: Ceremonial Friends
We did not think a disclaimer would be necessary but we now disclaim that.
Disclaimer. Though we have a lurid fascination with people’s emotional and especially mental problems, we ourselves do not give advice. As we know ourselves quite well, we are aware that our own motives and purposes will come into play (We want material for a story) and we might be less interested in the problematic person’s well-being than in the twists and turns of the storyline. We acknowledge that it is perhaps not a good idea to treat live humans as fictional characters subject to our whims. In short, we (not the Imperial We but the Old Testament We that we use as our model for interacting with humans) are not Auntie Janey.
Auntie Janey’s personality and predilections should be clear to readers who can pick up her/his clues.
Apropos of nothing, here is rubber duckie dressed up as a panda.
Now here’s Auntie Janey.
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Dear Aunt Janey,
I’m gay. My purportedly straight partner just broke up with me because she could not come out and she said she wants to be fair with me. But she still wants me around as a friend or whatever. Talk about being fair. Her plan – be with a man and pretend to live a “normal” life for 10-15 years, after which, we will be together. I don’t know how she would carry out the plan. Need I say that I didn’t agree with it? Anyway, recently, a friend posted sweet messages in my FB account and this made ex-partner jealous and angry, though she admitted she had no right to be. She told me through text that she no longer plans to be with me when each strand of our hair turned gray and will perpetually live a “normal” life though her heart still beats for me. Ugh. The million dollar question: How do I avoid her? I must admit I still feel something for her. We have the same circle of friends who do not know about the relationship we had (but I have a feeling they suspect something). We practically have the same job though we do not work in the same office. My family adores her. I want to get out of here but I could not afford to do so, my job is here. Argh.
Waiting,
Andy
Dear Andy,
I am one of those people who obsess over things that have no practical value. Ever since I was a kid I read about subjects that have no direct relation to my life, or my studies, or my work. This is the reason why, despite my genius, I never excelled in class. I was, and still am, too preoccupied with filling my brain with useless but interesting knowledge.
Last weekend, I found myself with a lot of free time. What did I do? I researched about the constitutional monarchies in Europe. All this talk about William getting married renewed my interest in the subject. My grandmother used to let me watch movies involving princes and princesses which contributed to my being a snob and my being obsessed with royalty.
According to Encyclopedia Britannica, a constitutional monarchy is a system of government in which a monarch shares power with a constitutionally organized government. The monarch may be the de facto head of state or a purely ceremonial leader. The constitution allocates the rest of the government’s power to the legislature and judiciary. Of interest to us would be the constitutional monarchy of the United Kingdom. Its Sovereign’s full style and title is “Elizabeth the Second, by the Grace of God, of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland and of Her other Realms and Territories Queen, Head of the Commonwealth, Defender of the Faith”. As a constitutional monarch, she is limited to non-partisan functions such as bestowing honours, dissolving parliament and appointing the prime minister.
Saffy’s only emotional problem is the time her human spends at the computer, time she feels would be better spent fawning on her.
What does the British monarchy have to do with Andy’s question? We can learn something from its history.
The British Monarchy was the result of the feudal system in place in England, Scotland and Ireland. The Sovereign was overlord and he practically owned all of the land within his domain. Power corrupts absolutely. Naturally, some of his vassals got fed up with the abuses committed by royalty so they staged several rebellions. As a result, the creation of parliament, to which the subjects elected their representatives, was allowed. It was widely supported and this slowly eroded the Sovereign’s power and control over the land. Eventually, the British Empire evolved into a constitutional monarchy. This ended the strife between the monarchy and the subjects. In the end, the Sovereign and its subjects co-existed without friction.
What does history teach us?
Andy, you cannot completely avoid your ex-lover since you have a lot of common friends. You have a deep and intricate history. Just like the British monarchy and its people. To survive, you have to become a ceremonial friend. At group gatherings say “Hi!” or “Hello” to her then mingle with other people. Do not engage in direct conversation with her. When there is group discussion, participate but avoid directly addressing her. Just nod or act blasé whenever she speaks and do not react to whatever she says. Just listen. If she does speak directly to you, give a curt reply and deflect the conversation to other people.
When you are alone, do not contact her or initiate something. If she tries to involve you in some activity, either alone or through a common friend, evade her maneuverings by saying you are busy or have prior commitments. It would also be best that you pursue projects and interests that do not involve her and your friends. Join a club or organization that constantly has meetings or activities. The more diverse your involvements, the easier it is to avoid interacting with her socially. Stop checking up on her by asking your common friends or following her on Facebook. The best way to block someone out of your consciousness is to rid yourself of any opportunity of interacting with her.
Mat has no emotional problems, only turf battles.
Continue to interact with your common friends but in your dealings with them, strive not to involve her. To do this, deal with your friends individually or in small groups. This way, and depending on your skill, they will not suspect that you are avoiding her.
In sum, be non-partisan in dealing with her.
Yours sincerely,
Auntie Jane
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April 15th, 2011 at 13:10
“despite my genius, I never excelled in class. I was, and still am, too preoccupied with filling my brain with useless but interesting knowledge.”
aunt janey, we are soul mates
April 15th, 2011 at 13:48
^ Amen to that too.
April 16th, 2011 at 20:31
@ # 1 – Yep, that statement makes sense.