Auntie Janey’s Old Fashioned Agony Column # 15: Obsession With Money
Gillian Anderson is brilliant as the Lady Dedlock in the Masterpiece Theatre adaptation of one of the finest novels about money ever written: Bleak House by Charles Dickens.
Dear Auntie Janey,
When I was growing up my parents fought constantly about money. I swore that I would never let money—having or not having it—rule my life. Recently, to my horror, I realized that my boyfriend is obsessed with money. 90 percent of the time he talks about how he intends to get rich and what he’s going to buy. My boyfriend is great but I’m not sure I want someone who is easily impressed by expensive cars and designer things. Should I give him up?
Can’t Buy Me Love
Dear Can’t Buy Me Love,
Seventy-five to ninety percent of human laws pertain to property. I guess most people think of it most of the time. Even an unborn child can receive a donation. Some of the wealthy marry within their clan to keep their property within the family. From birth to death we are concerned by property issues: legitimacy of children, property regimes in marriage, mortgages, contracts of sale and succession rights. Capitalism and communism may be opposed to each other but they still boil down to one thing: property.
I must point out that if you do intend to live together with or marry this guy or anyone for that matter, one looming and persistent issue in your union will be money. Having it or lack of it will determine where you will live, what you will eat, what school your kids will go to, whether you will be treated in a hospital’s emergency room, and whether you will be buried in debt for the rest of your life.
Of course, living solely for money is not an ideal life. We all know that. But the wisdom of knowing that we do not really need money to be happy only comes to us when we actually have substantial amounts of it or have a decent sustainable source. We cannot convince those who desperately need it to think the same way. True, there are missionaries, monks, and good people who have dedicated their lives to something noble and have done great things, but not all of us can be like them. In the end, we each pursue what we think would make us happy.
Scarlett O’Hara in Gone With The Wind: “As God is my witness, I will never go hungry again!”
Young men nowadays are pressed to make something of themselves. And to be made is to have money. Long gone are the days that shooting well with a bow, spearing a boar or slaying a walrus will get you a decent girl. Now, a man’s viability as a partner for life is greatly determined by his ability to provide not just food but other appurtenances to living. Plus, there’s competition to think of. Most men believe that bigger and grander is definitely better, hence, a man has got to outsize the other. Chris Brown explains it better when he said:” Yellow model chick/Yellow bottle sipping/ Yellow Lamborghini/ Yellow top missing/Yeah, yeah/ That shit look like a toupee/ I get what you get in 10 years, in two days/Ladies love me/ I’m on my cool J.”
Most of those who are easily impressed by cars and designer things are those who do not have them. The ones who want to have them do not necessarily want to broadcast they are well-off: they just want to feel pretty. This is best exemplified in an episode in Ugly Betty where Betty Suarez was given a Gucci bag. She liked the bag not as a status symbol, but because it made her feel pretty and enjoyed the admiring looks people gave her. Maybe your boyfriend wants to feel pretty too!
Also consider that there are many reasons why people want lots of money—approval, self-worth, achievement, love, acceptance or plain vengeance, which would allow one to relive the Bukas Luluhod ang mga Tala experience. Get to know the true and real reason why your boyfriend talks about getting rich 90% of the time. You might get to know him better and discover what makes him do the things he does. If you still cannot accept or overlook his money-grubbing side, by all means leave him. He is what he is and you are what you are. But if you do make him as your life partner, one thing is really certain. You will not be digging a turnip somewhere and crying: “As God is my witness, I will never go hungry again!”
Yours truly,
Aunt Jane
Answers to questions you might be asking, unless you wandered onto this site purely by accident >>>
May 26th, 2011 at 06:25
I really like this Aunt Janie thing. Where do you get the letters? Is there a way on how readers can send in letters too?
May 26th, 2011 at 06:26
*Auntie Janey (sorry for the wrong spelling)
May 26th, 2011 at 13:35
Isang malaking “Check!”
May 26th, 2011 at 19:04
i think you can just post it as a comment
May 26th, 2011 at 19:06
Aunt Jane will post an email address so you can send your letters directly. In case they are too gory to post in Comments.
May 26th, 2011 at 23:48
@#1 blackcat: Just for you I created an email address. It’s agoniesforauntiejaney@gmail.com
May 27th, 2011 at 01:45
I also grew up in an environment where money is the constant conflict center. The daily “P*nyet@, gastos nanaman!” shouting frenzy felt like a ruthless rain of falling glass on my back. I remember as a kid trying to hide under the covers to block out the verbal skirmishes, and wishing I would never have to grow up if it meant having to fight so badly all the time (with matching hikbi hikbi whilst trembling–or was it the flimsy floorboards quaking)
So yeah, I do understand CBML’s misgivings. No matter how amicable a couple you are, you do have to be on the same plane when it comes to how you view money.
May 27th, 2011 at 06:33
Money may not buy happiness, but I’d rather be wealthy and unhappy than poor and unhappy.
May 27th, 2011 at 13:53
Ay, tumawag si Willie Revillame, type ka raw niya! Congrats!
May 27th, 2011 at 17:13
jessicazafra — Uy balita ko nga si Pareng Willie, nangiistorbo pa ng mga kaibigan tuwing madaling araw at naghahanap ng kausap eh :( Sad!
May 27th, 2011 at 19:38
Nung bumukod kami ng kapatid ko (and are roommates), ang sabi ng magulang namin ay huwag gawing isyu ang pera sa aming magkapatid, na talagang maaring pagmulan ng away. And according to them, its one of the reasons why their marriage is still going strong.
May 27th, 2011 at 21:49
i’d rather have an ambitious person (who follows through) than a bum for a bf/potential spouse. the problems really arise when you’re married already and have bills to pay, cars/houses to buy and kids to feed, clothe and educate. it’s always either money is never enough or it is enough but not knowing that it is.
when money is never enough it means you live simply and/or strive to earn more.
when money is enough, when do you know to scale back on pursuing it? there will be other demands on your time – time with your kids or your spouse. do you continue to find ways to earn even more or would you rather spend time building these relationships? these are questions you can talk about with your potential mate so that you will know what they think (although it could change when theory becomes reality) and you can at least voice YOUR expectations.
May 28th, 2011 at 03:29
Thank you, Jessica and Aunt Jane! I’ll work on my “letter” hehe. I hope other readers can send in letters too.
May 28th, 2011 at 03:55
I always thought of money as just a means to an end. Everyone has to have it, preferably stashed, unseen, in buckets and buckets in the cellar. One has to have enough of it so that one can reasonably forget about the business of earning it. Or enough to reach as far as one’s imagination. I cant think of drearier conversations than with people who are confirmed nickelf*ckers who obsesses over money. With money concerns out of the way, one can get on with the real purpose of being in this universe — becoming a human being with all the joy and suffering that it entails.
May 28th, 2011 at 08:07
It looks like Willie’s monied friends, who incidentally share the name that sounds like money, felt used and abused they don’t want to talk to him anymore. I wonder if PacMan would be his next friend.
Here is a man who used to be poor and unhappy, and is now rich and still unhappy. Please remind me of what Karl Marx said about the pursuit of money.
May 29th, 2011 at 23:02
Love this haha! ;)
May 31st, 2011 at 02:18
“Get to know the true and real reason why your boyfriend talks about getting rich 90% of the time. You might get to know him better and discover what makes him do the things he does. If you still cannot accept or overlook his money-grubbing side, by all means leave him. He is what he is and you are what you are.”
but wouldnt it be better to know & understand why you attracted or why you were attracted to someone & something you disliked about your parents ?– it could be your issue more than your boyfriend’s.