Auntie Janey’s Old Fashioned Agony Column # 17: Chaos or stability?
Dear Auntie Janey,
I like him and he likes me but every time we’re together we end up arguing about stupid stuff. I try to be nice, but everything I say seems to tick him off. He has some wonderful qualities, but he really has the power to annoy me. Should I just forget him and move on to the next guy? Hopefully someone I can have a proper conversation with
Ala Rihanna
Brad Pitt in Mr & Mrs Smith
Dear Hot and Cold,
I hear Eminem rapping and Rihanna singing in the soundtrack of your romantic life. Please allow me a little liberty in singing a part of their song: ”Just gonna stand there and watch me burn/But that’s alright because I like the way it hurts”.
Your question, however, reminds me of an exam where the professor asks an innocuous question then gives you a big fat zero if you don’t give a thorough answer. The best way to answer your question is to do a Charlene Gonzalez: answer a question with another question.
What do you want in a relationship?
A. A Life of Drama
If you want fun and entertainment and no long-term commitments, he is the man for you. Having this kind of relationship is like riding a roller coaster. You want to get off once you’re on it, but after the ride is over you run right over to the waiting line to have another go at it. You get sick because of it yet you enjoy screaming your head off while your insides get rearranged. This guy is perfect for you if you have a boring, predictable job and a humdrum life. You don’t even have to go to Enchanted Kingdom to make your heart go into palpitations. You just fight over stupid stuff and your heart goes a-pounding. You hate him yet you also want to be with him. What do you say Slim?: ”High off on love, drunk from my hate/ It’s like I’m huffin’ paint and I love it/ The more I suffer, I suffocate/ Right before I’m about to drown, she resuscitates/ Me, she fuckin’ hates me, and I love it, Wait!/ Where you going? I’m leaving you./ No you ain’t. Come back. We’re running right back”. Yeah, uh.
This relationship will also give you reason to complain and whine. In the past you would sip your coffee while your friends and officemates complained about their husbands and boyfriends. Now you can actually contribute and bask in the light of their understanding nods and looks of commiseration. You can also be a topic of conversation, and people will whisper about you as you sob loudly in the toilet behind locked doors. You can also authoritatively and solemnly declare “Ay nako, ganyan talaga ang lalake/pag-ibig”. You will also have the right to lecture other people about the sacrifices and sufferings one must endure for love.
Angelina Jolie in Mr & Mrs Smith
Like drugs, this type of relationship can be bad for your health in the long run. You cannot get highs and crashes that many times without a psychological and emotional toll. You will wear out eventually, or you might adapt to him and seek out a stronger dosage. At best, be in this relationship for only a few months. When most of your time together is spent arguing and screaming at each other, it’s time to switch medications.
B. A Life of Stability
If you are looking for a lifetime partner and decent conversation, you have to ditch him and make room for The One. I direct your attention to seahorses. They are said to mate for life but all they do is just swim around a little and attach themselves to seaweed and corals so that they could withstand the constant flow of the tides. Nothing much happens in their lives. They feed, breed, and hang out with each other most of the time. They do not fight, and if at all, rarely. They do get stressed whenever they are confronted by the possibility of being eaten by their predators.
Seahorse anchored on coral from www.itsnature.org
In a stable relationship, you do not spend your energies fighting each other. Instead, you look for common footing and use that to anchor yourselves so that the ebb and flow of life’s tides won’t pull you apart. You focus your energies on making your relationship stronger. Minor annoyances are overlooked and quirks accepted. Yes, this type of relationship is not that exciting but at least it is pleasant and certain. It’s like those swan-thingies which you paddle around on in an artificial lake. You glide slowly on the placid waters until you have finished the circuit. Your legs might shake and ache from the exertion but that’s how it is. Whenever we attend wedding ceremonies, we are always reminded that “Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.” (If your love does not have these characteristics, get an annulment or clamor for a divorce law.)
A stable relationship helps stabilize your life. You are more inclined to get things done. This is because you are no longer doing things for yourself. You have other people to think of.
Summary
You cannot have it all. You must choose one. Do you want chaos and uncertainty? Or do you want peace and serenity?
The opinions expressed in Auntie Janey’s Old-Fashioned Agony Column are those of the agony columnist alone and do not reflect the opinions of the owner and administrator of JessicaRulestheUniverse.com. As with all advice, follow at your own peril.
Would you like Auntie Janey to meddle in your life? Email agoniesforauntiejaney@gmail.com.
Answers to questions you might be asking, unless you wandered onto this site purely by accident >>>
June 17th, 2011 at 05:01
Chaos and uncertainty… until you get pregnant, then you want peace and serenity… in which case, ditch the dad and be a single mother. I think you should bring back “Letters to your ex” part 2 =)
June 17th, 2011 at 11:35
Love your column! It makes my day…
June 17th, 2011 at 14:02
I find the “you cannot have it all” attitude defeatist. How dare the universe not give me what I want! I shall have to pry it from the hands of the powers that be!
June 17th, 2011 at 14:13
Ejia: Correct! The stable, boring one could be the official partner, but you can keep the chaotic, loony one on the side!
June 18th, 2011 at 12:07
This article is like a glimpse into the mind of someone who’s going to be single forever, Auntie Janey. I’ve read it 4x and still cannot come up with an answer or a recommendation to your:
“You cannot have it all. You must choose one. Do you want chaos and uncertainty? Or do you want peace and serenity?”
So, let me just do a Charlene Gonzales and ask:
What if that’s how the relationship’s programmed in the Matrix? How can any of them or both of them choose? Is there free will in the Matrix, Auntie Janey?
June 18th, 2011 at 23:40
Some couples go into cool off to find out what they really want and how they want the relationship to be and then get back together for a restart. Coz sometimes rocky relationships are like being in an n-game losing streak. You have to take a rest, take your mind off it for a while and then try again. If it fails again, then consider parting ways/leaving the game.
“You cannot have it all. You must choose one.”
And then there’s always the possibility of the chosen one changing: the predictable gets bored and goes wild, and vice-versa. Tricky. It’s a gamble, no?
June 18th, 2011 at 23:52
civilizemaya: My advise is based on practicality. An unromantic approach. Yes, you can throw at me all the quotations about love and relationship. Love conquers all etc etc. I do not discount its beauty and power. I have witnessed its wonderful effects on people. But all these people, who are in a loving and stable relationship, know themselves very well and never lost their heads even in the grips of infatuation. I am also not oblivious to the fact that life is ambivalent and there can be peace in the midst of turbulence. We all have our cycles and patterns. But these patterns and cycles are a product of our minds. Most relationships that failed had people in it that confused love with neediness and dependence. Or the lovers never truly knew themselves and they grew apart. In order to love, one must be also self-sufficient and must possess self-knowledge.
You do not have to look for love actually. It just happens. It will come to you when you are truly ready. True love will make you and your partner better persons.
For those who want it all, I suggest you clear your minds of the idea of monogamy. There are cultures where polygamy is perfectly moral and legal. :-). Somewhere in the Himlayas, a girl can be wed to a set of brothers and she bears all their children. I think there is a culture in which a man can be wed to a set of sisters with the intention of keeping property within the family.
We can opt to go back to our primal selves. After all civilization and all its appurtenances are artificial. As some scholars would say, the daemonic – the chthonian – will overcome Apollo in the end.
June 25th, 2011 at 20:05
interesting guys! love to read your differing views :)