Auntie Janey’s Old-Fashioned Agony Column #26: Marrying for a green card??
Dear Auntie Janey,
My close friend, let’s call her Suzanne, migrated to the US 10 years ago. She and her folks visit Manila from time to time. Recently Suzanne’s mom was in town so I went to see her.
The mom, let’s call her Tita Betchay, texted me to drop by their house so I could pick up the pasalubongs from Suzanne. When I got there we chatted for a bit. She asked me, a workaholic geek, if I have any plans of going to the US for work. I said No, seeing as there’s a recession on. Tita Betchay refuted that and said I would not starve to death in America because I am hardworking and smart. She added that only lazy and unmotivated people starve in America.
“But you know dear,” Tita Betchay said, “Only US citizens or permanent residents can hold high- paying jobs there”. I nodded but at this point I had tuned out because I was so sleepy. Then she said, “In order for you to become a US citizen quickly, you can do these fixed marriage arrangements with Suzanne’s friends for a price.”
I sat up as if I’d been slapped in the face. “What do you mean Tita?”
She said I had to pay around 30,000 USD to marry a US citizen so I can be a US citizen. After 2 years I can divorce my faux hubby and be free. Right there she called Suzanne and said, “Oh, your friend wants to go to the States pala, you don’t even help her out. Let’s fix her up with what’s-his-face so they can get married and she can be a citizen and work there”.
But I never said anything of the sort, Auntie Janey! I wasn’t asking for “help” but Tita Betchay just shoved it in my face like it meant life or death for me. I have a stable job and I’m very happy with my career. Yes, I have been single for the longest time and it’s by choice and I enjoy it very much. Tita Betchay, whom I consider family, thought I needed to be saved from a terrible situation. I know she meant well but her timing and delivery were waayyy off.
Auntie Janey, does this mean that I walk around like I have a sign on my forehead that says “Help me, I’m over 30, single, I have a mediocre career and the only way to solve this is to get married and go to the US”? How can I refuse Tita Betchay’s offer without offending her or causing any unwanted tension between me and Suzanne, who has been my friend for 18 years?
Thank you,
Single & workaholic but not desperate
Ikaw bata ka, paglaki mo magpapakasal ka sa taong di mo kilala para makapagtrabaho ka sa Amerikah! Oy nanood na kayo ng Zombadings 1: Patayin Sa Shokot Si Remington? Dali!! Kahapon inulit namin sa Glorietta. Nung opening day andoon siya sa maliit na sinehan, pero second day inilipat siya sa dalawing malalaking sinehan! Yung kalaban ang inilipat sa maliit na teatro. Yung lang.
Dear Single & Workaholic but not Desperate,
Rrrrrrrrreeeeaaaaaalllllllyyyyyyy…
I have questions for your Tita Betchay and What’s His Face. 1) Does What’s His Face live in a state which allows same sex marriage? 2) If yes, does he have any qualms about marrying a guy or is he strictly for the heterosexual female market? 3) If we are to be married, do we have to perform a simulation of the act of procreation? 4) Is sex important to him? 5) Can I live in his house? 6) Can I claim the tax deductions for married people? 7) Do I have to give him a gift on our anniversary? 7) What if I get in trouble or get hospitalized, will he take care of me? 8) Will he willingly donate blood? 9) Do we need to sign a prenuptial agreement?
Please forward these questions to them.
I do not think you have such a sign plastered on your forehead. In our country, if a woman is over 30 and still single, total strangers immediately spring up and offer their matchmaking services. The candidates usually include the volunteer matchmaker’s relations, officemates, friends, friends of friends, and friends of friends of friends. The usual line is: “Sa ganda mong yan hindi ka pa nakahanap ng lalake? Ano ba ang type mo? Baka masyado kang mapili kaya ayan tuloy.”
My boss has this advice to my single female officemate: “Lumandi ka naman!” and has even twice subjected said officemate to her matchmaking experiments. She went as far as to host a dinner a day before Valentine’s.
You do not have to say NO! outright to your Tita Betchay’s face. You can just smile and laugh it all off in a girly non-sarcastic way (the key is to do a slight falsetto). When she is badgering you about it, plaster a polite smile on your face and nod once in a while between sentences. After a while change thd topic and ask about your friend. Gossip! Everyone loves to gossip! It can effectively distract most people from other things. If she won’t let up, crumple your face like an adorable toddler, stamp your foot a little and cutely say, “Ayyy…Ayoko poooohh…Kaloka naman po… Ayoko kong magpakasal ng ganyan…Gusto ko yung mahal koh”. Then stick out your lower lip.
I find it strange that I know how to employ female charms and I’m not even female. (Light bulb!) Is it possible for me to audition for the role of Remington in Zombadings 2? I can do the dance routines and I can flawlessly utter the line “Kalerkey ang mga bakler! Winnar!”. I will need some workshops, though, in the scenes where I have to kiss and grope Jigs or other male characters. “Winnar ang churvaloo ng mga boylets sa Stairway to Heaven!” Did I say it right? Direk?
You can also tell your friend that you have no plans of moving to the States. Your friend can tell her mom that you don’t want to do that. In Filipino diplomacy you sometimes have to go through channels just to get a message to the person who is sitting right across from you.
Last question. Is What’s His Name cute?
Fabulously,
Auntie Janey
The opinions expressed in Auntie Janey’s Old-Fashioned Agony Column are those of the agony columnist alone and do not reflect the opinions of the owner and administrator of JessicaRulestheUniverse.com. As with all advice, follow at your own peril.
Would you like Auntie Janey to meddle in your life? Email agoniesforauntiejaney@gmail.com.
Answers to questions you might be asking, unless you wandered onto this site purely by accident >>>
September 2nd, 2011 at 12:25
Saving Private America.
September 2nd, 2011 at 12:42
Ay, akala ko babae si Auntie.
Sa palagay ko pwede mo nalang ‘wag pansinin. Kung hindi mo babanggitin ulit kay Suzanne o Tita Bechay ang tungkol sa greencard, iisipin nila na hindi ka interisado.
September 2nd, 2011 at 13:02
$30,000 for a man !? mahal naman. wla ba discount.
September 2nd, 2011 at 13:10
HAHAHAHA! People who have been suspected of being Auntie Janey: 1) Me. 2) Justin. 3) Jon. Correct answer: None of the above!
September 2nd, 2011 at 13:25
HAHAHAHA! People who have been suspected of being Auntie Janey: 1) Me. 2) Justin. 3) Jon. Correct answer: None of the above!
>>> Pati si Justin at Jon pala, napagsuspetsahan hahaha!!!
September 2nd, 2011 at 13:50
“Ay, akala ko babae si Auntie. ”
Auntie Janey’s previous column which featured a Kylie Minogue tribute video was a giveaway.
September 2nd, 2011 at 16:36
Ay! Akala ko din si fafa Jon
September 2nd, 2011 at 17:04
Nais ipaalam ni Kuya Jon na crush niya si Demz Espinosa.
September 2nd, 2011 at 17:32
Wow, Demz Espinosa? Parang hindi yun yung minention ni Jon sa interview nila sa In the Limelight hehe :D
September 2nd, 2011 at 19:42
…I am sad that I am a gay guy and have no concept of feminine charms whatsoever. However will I snag a man otherwise? There goes my chance at a green card! Oh woe.
September 2nd, 2011 at 22:36
$30,000 roughly PHP1.2M?!? Whoever has that much money is better off applying as a skilled worker in Canada, Australia or New Zealand. Number one reason is that the USofA isn’t the greatest nation in the world for unemployed new immigrants, no matter how hard working they are. (Their unemployment rate is at an all-time high of 9% average nationwide). Those other countries I mentioned are not great either but at least applying as a skilled worker and using that $30,000 to invest in yourself and in starting a life in a new country is better than helping enrich a lazy ass whats-his-face.
Times have changed and are still changing. It used to be that being a nurse was a fast ticket to the USofA but with the moratorium or quota or whatnot imposed a few years back, several hundreds/thousands of Filipino nurses are idle in the Philippines. It used to be that computer programmers were scooped up by American companies but nowadays, depending on your skills, those jobs are or have been outsourced to India, China or the Philippines. So to Single & workaholic but not desperate, thankfully you are not desperate. But if you tire of the lack of work-life balance, tire of the meddling by strangers and even people who are like family, feel free to look around the world and pick a place to get away from the likes of Tita. =)
September 2nd, 2011 at 23:01
Justin and Jon – guys that are hotter, stronger and more muscular than me
I am starting to feel twinges of insecurity.
September 2nd, 2011 at 23:44
Nais kong ipaalam na crush ko si Jon.
September 3rd, 2011 at 00:52
Nais kong ipaalam na marami na kayong nagpaalam na crush ninyo si Jon pero wala kayong mapapala kung sa akin ninyo sinasabi at hindi sa kanya. Maaari kayong pumunta sa mga laro niya o kaya sa pagsasanay at doon magpakilala.
Kung talagang di ninyo kaya, subukan ninyong tawagin ang mga spirito upang kayo’y tulungan sa inyong pangliligaw: “Charoterang sprikitik, umapir ka vakler! Magpa-feel, magpa-sense ditey sa balur. . .”
September 3rd, 2011 at 00:57
Auntie Janey: But they enjoy have their faces smooshed on turf or breaking their teeth on people’s skulls, pleasures that do not necessarily aid in dishing out advice.
September 3rd, 2011 at 01:03
Haha! Ngunit wala siyang Twitter o Facebook man lang para aming ipaalam ang nararamdaman. Maraming salamat sa iyong blog.
September 3rd, 2011 at 01:11
Nais niyang ipaalam na may twitter na siya. Hinihintay na niya ang inyong mga harana hahaha.
September 3rd, 2011 at 01:22
riot ang patayin sa shokot! well-acted hanggang sa supporting roles at extras. Pulidong-pulido maski sa dubbing. wala ni isang kournikovang joke. easily the best pinoyfilm of 2011! sugod na sa sinehan, tyak na hindi masasayang mapa-isandaan o dalawandaan o apat na daan (ilagay nyo na sa imax ito, esem) ang bili mo sa tiket. palakpakan sa sinehan sa rob galle kanina. bravo!
September 3rd, 2011 at 01:28
Maraming salamat, Turmukesh. Kita niyo na? Getching ng mga min ang Zombadings kaya gorabelles na sa sinehan.
September 3rd, 2011 at 01:36
Ayyy – gorabelles na aketch para juranahin si Jon sa Twitter na itey!
September 3rd, 2011 at 02:42
Teka, slow. Sinong humihingi ng USD 30M, si Tita o yung lalaki? Kung si Tita, ka-turn off.
Available si Jon?! So hindi niya kasintahan yung babaeng nakita kong kasama niya sa isang bar. Patawad, tsismosa lang.
September 3rd, 2011 at 11:13
Sinabi ba naming available? hahaha
September 3rd, 2011 at 13:02
Patawad din po. Chismosa din ako. Nung gabi ng August 30 pagkagaling ko sa premiere night ng ZOMBADINGS sa megamall ay naabutan ko sa balur ung guesting nga inyong Papa Jon and friends (Snake, Ken, Uncle, Hitch, Ever) sa show ni Arnold Clavio kung san sila pinakain ng balut, dinuguan, puto at higit sa lahat…hindi sila nakasando! Arnold asked them sinetch sa kanila ang taken. Si JL nagtaas ng kamay. Nadurog ang puso ko. I wanted to watch the clip again to verify but I just can’t. Shokot akez.
September 3rd, 2011 at 13:55
ok lang na hindi siya available, for sure madami sa mga admirers niya dito ang willing to share him, lolz.
September 3rd, 2011 at 20:33
tara: Plunging neckline with matching beads! Tama ka ‘teh, may jowabelles na si Jakey Lettching. Di namin alam kung ano ang fezlaboom nitech pero labs talaga siya ng bet nyo at matagal na sila.
September 3rd, 2011 at 22:12
plamingpinkplamingo: correct. witiz shokoley ang udangchi ditey sa fezlaboom ni Jowabelles na wish ko lang hindi super kalerkey!
(may zomba-hangover pa talaga.)
Ms. JZaf: *le sigh* dahil dyan, can I send an inquiry to Auntie Janey?
Dear Auntie J, Talaga po pang mas madaling mahuli ang manok na nakatali? I have a feeling this may be against your morals but teach us how. XOXO. —– hahaha. lawlz.
September 3rd, 2011 at 22:44
ifrico — The money is for the hubby to be, looks like it.
tara — Napanood ko nga din yung Tonight with Arnold Clavio guesting nila. Akala ko nga lahat sila magreraise ng hand dun sa tanong na yun eh. Oh well, that’s life hahaha…
Fave Zomba word:
INIDORA THE EXPLORER!!! AWARRRRRRRDDDDDD!!!