Auntie Janey’s Old-Fashioned Agony Column # 30: Your intelligence is not the problem.
Dear Auntie Janey,
I am a girl who has looks but has no appeal (my guy cousin told me this). Not bragging but I’m one of the kids from the higher honors list and my mind speaks better than most of the people within my age bracket.
In the past I told myself that my personality is just stronger compared to other girls’, and men who are intimidated by me don’t deserve my time.
But in the course of life and reading books, I’ve learned that men don’t get intimidated by the girls they truly like. Aside from that, I heard that “Daig ng malandi ang maganda.”
I’m starting to get jealous of all the girls and gays from my batch who frequently rant about their love lives. Seriously, I never thought they’d get a relationship way before I do.
I come from a very conservative family and culture. I love being in it. But how will I ever get a worth-it man if this is what’s in real life?
I’ve had suitors too, but they don’t pass my standard—they have to be in my IQ bracket. (I’m ashamed to say that I’ve been courted twice by unemployed guys and one of them did not even graduate college.) Do I really have to learn flirt or just accept that I won’t attract men of substance?
I’m surrounded by old maids, Auntie Janey, and I’m so afraid to be one of them.
Hoping to hear a positive reason for being 25 and still single since birth,
Miss feeling-intelligent-kunwari
Dear Miss Feeling-Intelligent-Kunwari,
First of all, my friends who are over thirty and still single since birth will scalp you. Your situation is not dire.
Second, men of substance do not focus on how high a woman’s IQ is. They are men of substance after all and they look at…substance.
Third, if you constantly hang out with spinsters, you will become a spinster.
Fourth, there is nothing wrong with being conservative.
If you want to attract men of substance, you have to be a woman of substance. Having a high IQ and being part of the higher honors list does not automatically make you a woman of substance. I have been around women with high IQs and honors and I must confess that I sometimes have the urge to conk their heads with thick iron pots, tie heavy stones to their legs, and throw them into the river. They can be assholes—arrogant, rude, and inconsiderate (and they are really not that smart despite their grades and honors). It’s the unpleasantness they exude and not their allegedly searing intelligence that turns people off.
I do have female friends who are highly intelligent and yet have no problem with gathering men. They are gracious, humble, and genuinely respectful and considerate of other people. No wonder they are liked by people around them, especially by men. Intelligence is not everything, and those very intelligent women who understand this have gotten the men they wished for or are in the process of assessing viable candidates.
I am not saying that you should lower your standards. On the contrary, I recommend that you stick to them. Just remember that substance in a person is a quality that cannot be quantified or measured.
I am also of the belief that the people you constantly hang out with will influence the way you perceive and think about yourself and the world. You don’t want to be a spinster? Spend less time with them and get out more. Do your best to get down from that pedestal you are standing on and occasionally mingle with the commoners. There are some things on the ground which you cannot see from high above. You would be surprised at the things that you will discover are not in books.
So what if you are conservative? It’s not a liability. It’s just a way of life. There are still conservative boys out there you know. You just have to find them and let them find you.
The most important thing I want you to remember is this: Love just happens. If evil festers in the holiest of churches, love can blossom in the most fetid of pits.
Yours sincerely,
Auntie Janey
The opinions expressed in Auntie Janey’s Old-Fashioned Agony Column are those of the agony columnist alone and do not reflect the opinions of the owner and administrator of JessicaRulestheUniverse.com. As with all advice, follow at your own peril.
Would you like Auntie Janey to meddle in your life? Email agoniesforauntiejaney@gmail.com.
We cannot resist, we just have to butt in.
1. It is probably not your IQ that turns people off, it is the air of superiority.
2. Nobody likes to be reminded that your grades are higher than theirs.
3. There are many kinds of smarts.
4. Try to cultivate a sense of humor and learn to make fun of yourself.
5. Life is not a race to the top of the Dean’s list.
6. Watch Say Anything starring John Cusack and Ione Skye.
Answers to questions you might be asking, unless you wandered onto this site purely by accident >>>
September 30th, 2011 at 11:50
Research says that in successful marriages i.e. the ones that last, mostly the female is more intelligent and the male is older by at least five years.
September 30th, 2011 at 12:11
Haneh, if you’re smart you don’t let on how smart you are, you allow other people to feel smart. It’s the considerate thing to do.
September 30th, 2011 at 12:58
Ibig sabihin magiging matrona ako dahil napapaligiran nila ako? Hindeeeeeeee!
September 30th, 2011 at 19:49
brava auntie janey. loved this line: “Do your best to get down from that pedestal you are standing on and occasionally mingle with the commoners.”
PAK PAK PAK!
October 1st, 2011 at 03:48
“(I’m ashamed to say that I’ve been courted twice by unemployed guys and one of them did not even graduate college.) Do I really have to learn flirt or just accept that I won’t attract men of substance?”
So unemplyed guys and guys who did not finish college are not men of substance?
October 1st, 2011 at 14:36
Get yourself some gay friends, loosen up, and try to develop a sense of humor. An army of gays should do a fine job of hooking you up and putting you back to earth. And please, no mention of how smart you are when on dates. Turn off yan kahit san, mapa-girl, boy, bakla, tomboy.
October 1st, 2011 at 14:54
lestat, that’s brilliant. Honey, get yourself some gay friends. And let other people notice how smart you are don’t point it out yourself, it’s obnoxious.
October 1st, 2011 at 16:02
Magdadala ako ng mga bagong labang damit at isasampay ko sa kuwarto mo habang natutulog ka. Tuyo yun, overnight. Mahangin ka eh. Waahahahaha!
If you would be loved, love and be lovable. — Benjamin Franklin. Brainy rin sha, teh, pero knowsline nya yung mga ganienching spluk. Vakeet???
October 1st, 2011 at 19:23
“Aside from that, I heard that “Daig ng malandi ang maganda.””
Neng, ngayon mas daig na ng bibo ang maganda.
October 1st, 2011 at 20:02
i totally loved the youtube video on this post.
to the girl who wrote the letter: if you keep going like this, you will only get wimpy guys who may be “book-smart”, but in all the other stuff, such as “real life”, usually not really that smart. ;)
btw, jessica, did you see how pathetic the french were against tonga today? ugh. now i’m really glad i didn’t make it to wellington, nz. or i’d be squirming in embarrassment wearing a french jersey and sporting the french flag on my face. lol.
October 1st, 2011 at 22:20
Ay! Agree with lestat!
October 2nd, 2011 at 02:57
I love this line, Aunt Janey: “The most important thing I want you to remember is this: Love just happens.” It mirrors this quotation:
“We choose those we like; with those we love, we have no say in the matter.” – Mignon McLaughlin, The Neurotic’s Notebook, 1960
October 2nd, 2011 at 10:49
@ tara: Apir, madam! Humor is the best policy!
@ lestat: Awardan ka dapat ng trophy na kasing laki ng Jupiter.
@ momelia: Mataray ka, teh! Tuyung-tuyo ang labada mo. ;)
October 2nd, 2011 at 20:05
“…love can blossom in the most fetid of pits.” SNAP!
October 2nd, 2011 at 21:29
@Feeling-Intelligent-Kunwari – there was a time I thought that I wouldn’t date or marry anyone who had flunked a grade in school because I had been on the honor roll and because I thought that meant they were either stupid or lazy. when i met my husband, he was a friend who became a close friend because of many reasons – he understood me, he was supportive, he was mature and responsible – all things that i was looking for. sometime in our relationship (can’t remember if it was before or after he became my bf), i found out that he had flunked a grade in school. i was surprised but i quickly brushed it off as it didn’t matter anymore by then. i knew he was a decent human being, a hard worker and a very responsible adult. my tip for you is to come up with a non-Negotiable and Negotiable list. what is it that you absolutely must have/not have in a spouse? and what are things you’d like to have/not have in a spouse but wouldn’t be a deal breaker if it was so? example of a non-negotiable: there must be no other woman in his life.
and spending more time with couple-friends/friends in relationships instead of spinsters would be good, too. with the former, you will hear about their struggles and realize nothing is perfect, including the person they are in a relationship with, but they work on the relationship anyway.
@momelia, funny gurrl. i was wondering what laundry had to do with it.
October 3rd, 2011 at 09:54
“The most important thing I want you to remember is this: Love just happens. If evil festers in the holiest of churches, love can blossom in the most fetid of pits” – Panalo.
October 3rd, 2011 at 11:46
Agree with @henyo…
another good read: including the comments!!
October 4th, 2011 at 01:21
” It is probably not your IQ that turns people off, it is the air of superiority”
But what if the person’s just naturally like that? So, should she change just for other people who don’t like so-called know-it-alls?
I think there’s also a problem with the human culture. They hate smart girls. When a girl is smart and loves talking about trivias, etc, men don’t like her anymore. They can’t accept the fact that sometimes fun for some girls is equivalent to useless facts.
I feel you Miss feeling-intelligent-kunwari.
October 4th, 2011 at 09:27
“Trivia” is a plural noun. It means “bits of information of little importance” and can hardly be mistaken for intelligence.
October 4th, 2011 at 16:20
Thank you for the correction.
When I correct people like just what you did they automatically think I’m being a know-it-all.
I think the point here is not to argue what intelligence really means. Miss intelligent kunwari has the same psychological problem as what Meredith Rand had in David Foster Wallace’s book David Pale King.
Although Meredith’s problem is she loves being beautiful and hates it at the same time. She thinks people can’t see pass her beauty. She wants people to see that there’s more to her aside from her prettiness, but at the same time too she loves the attention she’s getting because of her face.
Similarly, Miss Intelligent kunwari loves being intelligent but wants people to see pass her intelligence. But she won’t hide her “intelligent’ side. She still often makes people aware that she’s smart, because she *loves* being like that. Yet she worries that people won’t like her because of it. You might also say that her real problem is she’s a trying hard crowd-pleaser.
October 5th, 2011 at 00:09
There is an appropriate time for everything. Intelligence, depending on how it is used, can be charming and boring.
Intelligence has never been a liability. There is no such thing as thinking too much or knowing too much.
Intelligence, unlike physical beauty, is not immediately apparent. It is an ability that can be unleashed at will. So if you constantly let on that your are intelligent, without regard for the time and place, people will not be able to see past it because that is only what you let them see. It can be boring and can kill any appeal that you have.
If you want them to know that you are goofy, then be goofy when the occassion calls for it. If you want people to know that you are caring, then show to them that you are there to listen to their cares – not to recite what they did wrong.
It’s all about finding a common ground with people without compromising who you are.
October 5th, 2011 at 01:36
“Past”.
October 5th, 2011 at 11:18
I think there’s a difference between being intelligent and obnoxious. If you know you’re smart and you just want to share your knowledge or illuminate a conversation, that comes off naturally. If you brag about how smart you are and all the “trivias” you know, that smacks of insecurity. Not a lot of people like being with someone with a chip on their shoulder. Kumplikado na nga buhay liligawan mo pa madaming issue…
October 8th, 2011 at 10:49
“I am not saying that you should lower your standards. On the contrary, I recommend that you stick to them. Just remember that substance in a person is a quality that cannot be quantified or measured.”
Exactly.
Perhaps she just wants a guy whom she can talk to without having to explain everything from square one and would have a worth-to-hear opinions about this and that. Unfortunately, yung mga manliligaw nya eh na supalpal sa question and answer portion.