JessicaRulestheUniverse.com

I have been an avid follower of your column and I have enjoyed my position as a reader, reading through most of the love stories and sometimes vicariously feeling the letter senders’ agony. I never really thought I’d be writing you until I realized I needed and wanted to do so. I am 24 years old and I have never had a serious, labeled, and clearly defined romantic relationship with the opposite sex ever. The idea of being someone’s girlfriend scares me because of the responsibility, commitment and the “limited” freedom that it calls for.

I also have difficulty being vulnerable and weak in front of people. I would say I am a very logical, head-on person and I am never timid nor submissive. These greatly influenced my relationships with guys, which never really reached serious status and all ended up as mere short-term flirtations, teases and flings.

I had been comfortable with this kind of set-up until recently an old friend started reconnecting with me again after months of being “distant and cold”. These months of being “distant and cold” happened after his failed attempt to pursue me and he has been in two relationships since then. I rejected his feelings for me before because of my fears. Also I felt he was being impersonal as he would just express himself through SMS. I felt I deserved more than that so I dismissed him.

However, our communication relationship was not quite affected and when we talked he would act as if no proposal had been made and nothing happened (I must be honest, this bruised my pride).

Five months ago this guy and I had to meet to prepare our consolidated surprise birthday gift for our common friend. That meet-up started the re-connection. He would send an SMS to me and ask me about my day and we would end up chatting for hours. His messages would come in from time to time, becoming frequent until they became daily. I thought I was in control. I would tell myself “Hey, you’re familiar with this set-up” until I found myself actually liking him.

He would invite me to join him skimboarding or go swimming but I would decline because that is his territory and I would feel vulnerable. He would constantly say he misses me. At first I would ignore the messages but his persistence got me until I would respond by saying I miss him too (I truly do). Now we are like people in a relationship except for the fact that we really are not. One time while we were on a bus he held my hand as if we were a couple and I let him. He caressed my face and kissed my cheeks and I let him. He whispered that he misses me and that really made me happy.

I know I am supposed to be familiar with this picture, I’ve had this before, but I feel different, like it’s something deeper. I wanted us to be “us” but I don’t know how to make this set-up turn into the real relationship that I wanted. I don’t want to confront him because I want him to be the one do it, after all he’s the guy. I still have my fears but this time I think I am willing to take the plunge. I think? I am still haunted by his impersonal tendencies but I have become slowly resilient to that.

Help me Auntie Janey. What’s a girl to do? Should I be the one to confront him? How should I do that without surrendering to my vulnerability? If he ever confronts me about our status, what should I tell him? Should I tell him about my feelings, forget about my fears, throw away the fact that he is kind of impersonal, and just take the plunge? Too many questions, eh?

Help!

While I was reading your letter I could not help but be seized with kilig. I am happy for you. You are in love. I am pretty sure that the sappiest of songs will now make sense and all those romantic movies that you scoffed at have become relevant. The world would not be right if you are not with him. You cry in the middle of the night because you miss him so much and you laugh at yourself for doing so. You might even say that you are ridiculous but at the same time you don’t care because you are certain that you must have him. You are prepared to throw it all away just for him.

Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!

But before I could channel Lea Salonga and Brad Kane singing “All my life/I have dreamed of this/ But I could not see your face/ Don’t ask why two such distant stars/ Can fall right into place”, I reminded myself that I am supposed to be old-fashioned, slightly conservative, and objective.

After a thorough review of the instant report, it is the undersigned’s considered opinion that Mr. X has not yet explicitly offered the letter-writer the position of consort. Though a possibility of an implied offer can be inferred from his act of holding the letter-writer’s hand, caressing the letter-writer’s face, kissing the letter-writer’s cheeks, and from his declaration that he misses the letter-writer, the totality of evidence simply does not support such conclusion. It is a common experience of humankind that such acts and declarations can be easily made on the spur of the moment. These only carry presumptive weight and can easily be brushed aside by express denial and disavowal by the party who rendered such acts or declarations. Undersigned investigator himself/herself had performed similar acts and made similar declarations under intimate circumstances but reneged on them after an hour. Thus, it is advised that the letter-writer should not yet presume that she has officially become Mr. X’s consort. There is no binding contract yet in existence.

I applaud you for holding out and waiting for Mr. X to make the move. You are doing the right thing. If you want to push him to claim you as his, I suggest that you do the opposite of what you are feeling: distance yourself from him. Make yourself less available. Do not make any assertive step in clinching the deal. He must do all the work. He must make the first move on everything at this point.

How do you distance yourself? Not replying to most of his messages and calls is a good start. Do not make constant updates to your Facebook and Twitter accounts. Do not accept all of his invitations to dinner or whatever. If you do hang out with him, make sure the affair would only last for three hours or so. I have written about this before. Please look it up. But if he asks you to attend a wedding or any ceremony with him, go. It’s a step forward.

However, if he will not do anything within a reasonable amount of time despite your evasions and subterfuges, he is a dud.

And when he does ask you to be his and you accept, you will find yourself adjusting to the role. Do not be afraid. Take it slow and learn to communicate with him on different levels. You will become vulnerable and you will get hurt from time to time. But you should not yet worry about these things for we have yet to see if he will step up and pluck you from the cherry tree.

For now all I can do is wish you good luck.