When your neighbors are hunks, killers, or hunky killers
The trailers told us everything we needed to know about What’s Your Number and Dream House.
They said, “Don’t watch this.” And still we went to see them! We have no one but ourselves to blame.
Yan ang kapitbahay mo. Ano kaya ang mangyayari?
We watched What’s Your Number because we thought Anna Faris was brilliant in Smiley Face and because there was a 110 percent probability that Chris Evans would take his shirt off. What’s Your Number is about a woman who goes into a tailspin because she reads in Marie Claire that women who have had sex with more than 20 partners never marry. How does she deal with this earth-shaking information? By looking up everyone she ever had sex with. Meanwhile she becomes friends with her neighbor who lounges around her apartment in various states of undress. Hmmm, what could possibly happen?
Well, there are three separate renditions of Three Times A Lady by Lionel Richie, which makes three separate reasons to run screaming out of the theatre. This is the kind of movie where the daffy heroine and the hunky neighbor will play strip basketball for no reason whatsoever and New Order’s Bizarre Love Triangle will start blasting for same. Chris Evans does take his shirt off and hold it over his naked crotch, but full frontal nudity could not save this piece of crap.
Yan ang kapitbahay mo. Di niya alam kung ano ang nangyari.
We watched Dream House because it stars Daniel Craig, Rachel Weisz and Naomi Watts and is directed by Jim Sheridan who made My Left Foot. Plus there was a 90 percent probability that Daniel Craig would take his shirt off. Dream House is about a man who quits his publishing job in New York and moves to a house in the country with his wife and two daughters. For some reason everyone in the village looks at him strangely but no one will say why, probably because they’re all hoping he will take his shirt off. It is revealed that a murder took place in the house he bought, but no one thinks of chasing the realtor with an axe.
This is the kind of movie where things go bump in the night and strange men turn up at the window and the hero goes outside alone in the dead of night to investigate a noise. The twist doesn’t even qualify as a twist because we saw it in the trailer. Daniel Craig does take off his shirt and pants and get into the bathtub but full frontal nudity could not save this piece of crap.
Leaving us with the question: Which is the bigger piece of crap? What’s Your Number is badly-written, insipid and flat, but Dream House is badly-written, insipid, flat AND made by people with actual talent. So the “winner” is Dream House, a movie that does not help its own case with a poster that calls to mind Stanley Kubrick’s The Shining.
Skip them.
Answers to questions you might be asking, unless you wandered onto this site purely by accident >>>
October 12th, 2011 at 09:15
I haven’y seen either one, but judging from what you posted, I may just buy the DVD’s, play ’em on mute, and fast-forward to the various states of undress of Evans and Craig. Do you think that will be helpful for at least some form of entertainment?
October 12th, 2011 at 09:57
I love that GIF of Naked Chris Evans. Heee!
Speaking of Chris Evans: Just watched the new Avengers trailer on the Apple/iTunes trailers website. I liked it, but I’ll leave the rest of the judgment to the rest of the peanut gallery. ;)
October 12th, 2011 at 10:41
The second I read the title and laid eyes on Chris’ gif, I though he’s the hunky killer. At pinatay niya si Anna Faris at the end of the movie. Hahaha.
October 12th, 2011 at 10:45
To be fair to the actors and the director, according to wikipedia:
“Daniel Craig, Rachel Weisz and director Jim Sheridan (who had the film taken away from him by Morgan Creek Productions to implement their own cuts as well as changes) disliked the final cut of the film so much that they refused to do press promotion or interviews for it. This forced Morgan Creek to resort to using on the set footage and taking bits and pieces of other interviews from press junkets that mention Dream House to give to the press. The trailer cut by Morgan Creek Productions has come under fire for revealing the main plot twist of the film.”
October 12th, 2011 at 12:15
@ifrico: I will pay full price to watch that movie.
October 12th, 2011 at 13:16
That’s OK, JZ. We’ve all got our cinematic kryptonite. My personal equivalent of having to watch movies no matter how odious the plot or circumstance would be anything that’s got Mary Elizabeth-Winstead or Elizabeth Banks. Their respective bombs that I’ve borne witness to would be Final Destination 3 and Heights.
October 12th, 2011 at 14:50
I’m gonna channel Mommy Dionisia on that Chris Evans GIF: ” Ang laswaaaaa!!! Malaswaaaaaaaa!!!” LOL! Joke lang!
Chris, akin na yang mansanas!!! Akin naaaaa!!! Pati yang tuwalya, daliiiiiiiiiiiiii!!! LOL!!!
Na-enjoy ko naman si Chris Evans kahit 1.5 hours lang, but that doesn’t make up on how ridiculous that movie was! And my gosh, Anna Faris was there! I love her! Arghhhh!!!
October 12th, 2011 at 15:34
Actually we get paid to make fun of stupid shit so this makes life easier.
October 12th, 2011 at 15:48
Effective ang pagkain ni Chris Evans nang mansanas ha! Napabili tuloy ako hehe! Saraaaappppp!!!
October 13th, 2011 at 00:32
Anna Faris deserves to be in a better comedic vehicle. She’s really talented. That being said, I find her scenes with Martin Freeman (the ones where she fakes a British, and, later on, a Borat accent) funny. Oh, and I think she and Ryan Reynolds are great together onscreen.