JessicaRulestheUniverse.com

I am a thirty-something woman working in a foreign land who, like most of your letter-writers, is clueless on matters of the heart. It’s just like the 500 Days of Summer, in reverse. How do I describe the first encounter? Kaboom! All my plans of just work, no play died. I am an insanely sane person, very stoic and can withstand all a**holes in the galaxy but why do I have to feel this way? My friends and the people around me say I am a late bloomer. This is probably the reason.

The problem is that guy doesn’t like me and treats me as a friend, and I can’t bring myself to break the friendship. I caught myself doing absolutely everything for the guy but of course I always get disappointed and feel so stupid because all effort is worthless.

It’s a shame though. We have the same taste in music, movies, and books—which endears him to me. I am petrified to confront him and tell him how I feel. I would feel moronic if I do it. I am 100% sure it will not end with us being together. I tried to stop seeing or texting him but, like I said, living in a foreign land makes it hard. It’s quite lonely at times. I break promises to myself and see him again.

I know…I know from all the advice you gave from previous letter senders (STOP SEEING HIM) but it’s so hard. I’m in my 30s, why do I have to feel like a 13 year old? I will probably let him go in time. But how to begin? How should I disappear? Like Rhett Butler in Gone with the Wind…

Aunt Janey I need your help please.

I haven’t watched 500 Days of Summer so I cannot relate. But I have watched a lot of boy-meets-girl movies, foremost of which, and I am not ashamed to admit this since I’m writing anonymously, is A Walk To Remember (“I told you not to fall in love with me. Now I hate God!”).

I think the more appropriate movie for you would be The Road Home which stars my very close friend, Zhang Ziyi. She plays a young girl living in a remote village somewhere in China. One day a twenty-something teacher arrives from the city. He is assigned to be the village school teacher. Upon laying her eyes on him, KABLAM!

The men of the village are tasked to help him build the school building while the women are asked to cook food for the men. She is bonkers with love. To demonstrate her love, she wakes up very early in the morning to whip up dumplings, hot pots, and other dishes that required a lot of ingredients and elaborate preparation. The products of her labour are then served in a large, intricate porcelain bowl—the best in her house.

The women are required to place whatever they’ve cooked on the table during lunch time. They are not allowed to chit-chat with the men. After placing the dishes on the table, all of them walk away and watch from afar while the men eat. They are only allowed to come near and pick up the dishes after all of the men have eaten and gone back to work. She has no means of knowing whether her beloved actually ate the food she painstakingly prepared. But she does it everyday anyway.

I will not tell you to stop seeing him. You have a friendship after all and good friends are hard to come by these days. What I want you to do is stop making him the center of your universe. I understand the loneliness that you feel, especially when you are new to a place and you know only very few people. I urge you to widen your circle little by little. Slowly make new friends here and there. I want you to see less of him and more of other people.

Try online dating or attending socials. I hear that people in foreign lands organize socials where singles mix and match. Force yourself to meet other people if you have to. Dragging yourself to an event and talking to other people can be fun.

Obviously the friendship you have with him is very dear to you. But the only way to make it last is to not let yourself put a strain on it. Distancing from him once in a while can be good for you. If he is not in your face all the time, you can actually see other things, other men even, who have been in front of you all along. Most of the time it’s just a matter of forcing yourself to expand your perspective and giving yourself more room to scan the horizon.