The Weekly LitWit Challenge 7.8: The Intervention (Read the letters. Weep. Laugh. Weep and laugh.)
Obviously you are deeply moved by recent revelations in the form of non-revelations so let’s LitWit this to death. Here is the situation: Your dear friend is in love with a totally unsuitable person who is perfect on paper but is really not good for them. And they know it but out of pride or obstinacy (because everyone warned them this would happen but they went ahead anyway) or masochism or contractual obligations they refuse to get out.
Write this dear friend of yours a letter in 1,000 words or less telling them the awful truth and urging them to save themselves. If you need inspiration read this famous letter.
Post your letter in Comments on or before Saturday, 3 December 2011 at 12 noon. The winner will receive these books:
Now go.
The Weekly LitWit Challenge is brought to you by our friends at National Bookstore.
Answers to questions you might be asking, unless you wandered onto this site purely by accident >>>
November 29th, 2011 at 14:30
Francesca, dear. I have bad news.
When you called me last week to invite me to a dinner with you and ‘someone’, honest to God, I was afraid. Afraid because the many previous ‘someones’ you made me meet in the past( 50 to be exact, according to my journal) were all different permutations of the word ‘jerk’. And that night was one of my Chamomile Nights when I will do nothing except slather on baby powder and read. Anyway, I was in Empire Falls, Maine reading about community despondency when you startled the wits out of me by calling. When you said your intentions, I tried to cajole you by saying I have amoebiasis but you know me that much to know I am lying even on the phone so I consented. What friends are for right?
You must have remembered that I hesitated to come in your booth at the restaurant. You were waving at me yet I just stood there looking like a callboy waiting for his client. Honestly, I didn’t think you have the fashion sense to don that v-neck black dress and to put on that much make-up. I concluded that this ‘someone’ must be so special for you to really be dolled up. You reached for my arm and led me to the labyrinthine pathway until we reached your table and you introduced Grant.
I really have to apologize for sneezing at that exact moment, Fran. My nose had been itching since I entered the restaurant. It must be those aerosol sprays. Now, I have to stop blabbering and get to the point.
Fran, HE IS NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU. Sorry, for the all-caps. I know how much you adore him and how you referred serendipity as the sole reason on why you chanced him on Yahoo Messenger and how much he kept on giving you the tingles and how good he is in finding your ‘spot’. You kept on showering him with many adjectives even as we eat that I did not finish the beef stroganoff despite the fact that I have not eaten since lunch.
Fran, I’m not being racist but I think you deserve someone whom you sing the same national anthem with. You deserve someone who will not only look for your ‘spot’ but will also satisfy your brain. You deserve someone whom you can be happy with even outside the confines of the bedroom. And most of all, you deserve someone who had known you ever since and has been at your side through thick and thin. And, modesty aside, I think that someone is ME.
Sad to say but I know you are planning to go home with him to Virginia. I hope this letter will reach you before your trip. If this does not reach you, then I hope you are happy. You’re a big girl, you know how to take care of yourself. If this does reach you, I hope you reconsider and answer this question as honestly as you could: WILL YOU MARRY ME?
Your bestfriend, Louis
November 29th, 2011 at 14:43
Hoy friend,
Hindi dahil ngumingiti siya kapag kasama ka niya e gusto ka na niya. Minsan, masyado ka lang ilusyonada. Siguro kasi kakapanood mo ng Glee, Awkward o kung ano pang TV series na pinaniniwala tayong laging may pag-asa ang tagilid na pag-ibig. Oo, tagilid, dahil isa siyang panginoong-may-lupa at isa kang aliping sagigilid.
Minsan, may mga tao lang talagang mababait. Ngingitian at tatanguan ka pag nagkita kayo, tatabihan ka sa upuan kapag lunch, itetext ka ng “Saan ka na, anong ginagawa mo,” at magyeyes lang nang magyeyes sa lahat ng gusto mo. Pero hindi ibig sabihin noon e gusto ka niyang maging syota. Masyado lang siyang mabait. Huwag ka munang magdaydream, masakit iyon kapag hindi nagkatotoo.
Minsan, gusto ka lang talaga niyang makasama kasi hindi corny ang jokes mo, palagi kang nanlilibre, hindi ka amoy putok at wala kang bad breath. Maraming dahilan kung bakit gusto ka niyang makasama palagi. Sabihin na nating mga 756 reasons. At isa lang dun ay yung gusto ka niyang maging girlfriend. Huwag magpakalunod dito, may 755 pang ibang dahilan. Parang pagkapanalo sa lotto ito. Mas posible pang tamaan ka ng kidlat kesa makuha mo ang gusto mo. Sabi nga ng nanay ko, para mong pinapana ang buwan.
May mga taong ipinaglihi sa kutsara. Stir lang ng stir. Paasahin ka sa wala. Alam niyang gusto mo siya, at gusto niya iyon kasi may ego massage iyong naidudulot. Syempre hindi niya iyon aaminin. Gagamitin pa niya iyon para i-affirm ang katotohanang hot shot talaga siya. Sasabihin niyang gusto ka niya, yayayain kang magsine, magsesex kayo at gagawing profile picture sa Facebook ang photo n’yong dalawa, pero wala lang ‘yon. Bored lang siya at walang magawa, at hindi available ang primary friends niya ng araw na iyon.
May mga tao ring cryptic. Pamysterious kumbaga. Mag-uupdate sa Facebook at Twitter ng lyrics ng kanta, o kaya e huhugot ng quote galing kay Nicholas Sparks. Huwag agad isipin na ikaw ang pinatutungkulan ng mga iyon. Ayos lang kiligin, pero maglaan ka ng oras para mahimasmasan. Huwag agad mag-update ng post na sumasagot sa status message niya. Subukan munang magkape para kabahan ng kaunti. Hindi siguro ito sinasabi sa iyo palagi ng mga tunay mong kaibigan, pero sometimes the world is not about you. May mga taong postmodern lang talaga, gusto lang nilang gawin ang isang bagay kasi why not.
Isang gabi, pwedeng sabihin niyang mahal ka niya, subalit huwag itong ituring na Gospel truth. Huwag muna itong isulat sa diary. Kung isa kang sigurista, itext siya sa umaga para iverify ang lahat ng kanyang soundbites na hindi ka pinatulog nang gabing iyon. Icorroborate ang information sa kanyang malapit na kaibigan, at kung kinakailangan ay magmultiple sourcing. Huwag idepende ang feelings mo sa iyong mga sariling pagmamaganda. Harapin ang katotohan at maging matapang because weakness is so mainstream.
Kung malaman mong isang malaking kahibangan mo lang ang lahat, huwag mag-alala, kasi hibang ka naman talaga. Lilipas din iyan. Ikain mo na lang. Huwag ka na ring makinig kay Adele at magpost ng mga status message na parang naging kayo talaga, baduy ‘yun.
Kung hindi mo siya maalis sa isipan mo, isipin ang lahat ng kanyang pangit na attributes: Lagi niyang napagpapalit ang letters p at f kapag nagsasalita, favorite TV show niya ang Jersey Shore at favorite word niya ang irregardless.
Sikaping kumbinsihin ang sariling ayos lang sa’yo na bitawan na siya. Nakaya mo namang kumbinsihin ang sariling mong may pag-asa kayo, di ba.
Nagmamahal pero naiinis din kasi tanga ka,
Me
November 29th, 2011 at 17:13
Dear Friend,
Your boyfriend smells like shit. Not the fetid shit smell we’ve all become accustomed to, oh no, it’s very rare, very vibrant, you see, and it’s not something I can really describe to be honest….
I love you and all but your boyfriend’s armpit smells like a labia in full bloom, and I can still remember him telling me how much you enjoyed dry humping his armpit with your tongue.
Your disgusting, but I love you, I really, really do.
Therefore, I, being the good and condescending friend that I am, suggest that you gift him with three cartons full of soap and muriatic acid (to kill the germs!). Buy a blanket of cyanide for yourself, the candy flavored ones; you’re not going to need them yet, but you’ll need then when you wake up.
Keep him clean!
You beloved friend,
Satan
November 29th, 2011 at 17:50
M,
These things happen to the best of us.
That’s not so comforting, isn’t it? How about, maybe you love too much, and wrongly? But is there such a thing? Stephen Dunn has a poem about this: “Often a sweetness comes / as if on loan, stays long enough / to make sense of what it means to be alive, / then returns to its dark / source.”
Maybe he was beside you when the surplus sweetness came, and you, perpetually in your dark place, looked for an outlet, and turned to him, and found him smiling. Maybe his eyes did “shine,” like how you put it, in that dimly-lit booze joint in Cubao where, after your successful thesis defense, he held your hand atop the table and his thumb grazed the rippling roof of your knuckles. Maybe he really does love you, you know?
There are girls – and people – like you. They ignore the signs. They believe in the eternal goodness of men, in their capacity to change. And in the first undeniable signs of defeat, they still trudge on. They don’t give up until all is lost; don’t leave until it’s absolutely unbearable. And in the aftermath, all they have is a shadow of their old selves, scarred beyond recognition, beyond repair.
But you see that’s not important right now. Right now, all I can remember is your wailing last night on the phone – the third this week – where you said you wanted to leave but couldn’t, because you don’t want to be alone again, and the bed was too big and the room was full of reminders, and “This hurts, G, this hurts.”
Right now, all I can remember is you. The you outside of this relationship. The you that is my best friend. The you that I hope to God will try to stay the same, despite the few bruises, the few aches. The you that you have ignored for the longest time. I can no longer recognize her. But in the end, there is you.
What should I tell you? That there is a time for leaving even if you have nowhere to go? That you will find someone better than him? That we will laugh about this (supposing you do decide to end things) in a few years’ time? No. Instead, consider a line from the same Dunn poem: “There is no sweetness / that doesn’t leave a stain.” Ask yourself, who is the stain in your relationship?
Love,
G
November 29th, 2011 at 22:21
Darling:
Puwede ba, pakinggan mo nga ang sarili mo?
Sabi mo sa simula, cute siya pero friends lang ang gusto mo. Pero noong panay ang imbita niya sa iyo na mag-coffee at mag-almusal, bigla mong in-edit ang kuwento para magmukhang love at first sight ang naramdaman mo sa kanya at nagandahan siya sa iyo.
Sabi mo noon, ayaw ka niyang halikan dahil gentleman siya. Sabi mo pa, ayaw ka niyang tawagin na girlfriend dahil nasaktan na siya noon at natatakot lang siyang mag-commit. Yun din ang dahilan na binigay niya kaya ayaw ka niyang ipakilala sa friends and family niya. Pero panay ang text nang text niya bago ka matulog, at sabi mo gusto lang niyang pangalagaan ka.
Sabi mo nga, hindi namin maiintindihan ang pagmamahalan ninyo sa isa’t isa, dahil hulog siya ng langit sa iyo. Siya lang ang nakakaintindi sa ka-kenkoyan mo. Lahat ng favorites niya, favorite mo na din. (Pati ba naman yung low-fat vanilla-caramel latte na palagi niyang ino-order niya sa Starbucks, idadamay mo pa?) Siya lang ang lalakeng hindi inihian ng aso mo noong bumisita siya sa bahay mo.
Ngayon? Panay ang request mo ng “The Man Who Can’t Be Moved” at “Love The Way You Lie” sa karaoke. Panay ang kulit mo sa amin para turuan kang uminom ng tequila at magdamit-sexy para maka-score ng lalakeng makakapag-paselos sa kanya. Nagpapasama ka sa gimik dahil ayaw mo nang magkulong sa bahay at manood ng mga pelikula ni Channing Tatum habang inaakap mo ang doggie mo.
Bakit? Dahil naniwala din siya na hanggang friends din lang kayo. Dahil nakaplano na’t lahat ang kasal ninyo – hanggang sa design ng singsing, flavor ng cake, at color scheme ng mga abay – pero hindi pala ikaw ang The One para sa kanya. Dahil ngayon mo lang nalaman ang matagal na naming alam: Hindi ikaw ang girlfriend niya.
Aminin mo na, nag-settle ka na din eh. Hindi niya sinabi na ikaw ang girlfriend niya, di ba? Hindi rin niya sinabi na mahal ka niya. Dinaan na lang niya sa pagpapakilig at pagpapa-ligoy-ligoy tungkol sa “fear of commitment.” At talagang hindi lang nakukuha sa venti latte at pag-retweet ng mga quotes ni Paulo Coelho ang true love. Coincidence lang iyan, hindi serendipity.
Kung talagang mahal ka niya, pinanindigan ka na niya sa mga minamahal sa buhay. Kung talagang mahal ka niya, bigla na lang mawawala ang fear of commitment niya. Kung talagang mahal ka niya, sana hinalikan ka na niya at sinabi na niya ito: “I love you, and I want to be your boyfriend.”
Pero kung mahal mo talaga siya, sana pinanindigan mo talaga ang sarili mo. Let’s face it: you wanted more than what he was willing to give. Eh bakit nagtiis ka pa rin?
Hindi ka na bata, dear. Hindi mo din makukuha sa bisyo at kalandian ang pagkalimot mo sa taong ito. Huwag ka nang magmadali at magpadaan sa kilig-kilig na iyan. Makakalimutan mo din siya, maniwala ka. Pero tanungin mo na muna ang sarili mo: “What exactly did I see in him that was missing from my life?” Pag-isipan mo iyan ng mabuti.
Laging nagmamahal,
Ang mga kaibigan mo
November 30th, 2011 at 05:58
Hennabells,
Masaya ako ang naghiwalay na kayo kahit hindi iyon ang inaasahan kong ending ng relationship ninyo dahil siya pa pala ang nakipagbreak sa iyo. The nerve! To be honest, matagal ko ng dini-daydream ang saga na ito sa buhay mo. I may sound mean peo alam mo naman siguro na natural na sa akin ang maging mean. Kaya nga naging kaibigan kita. Alam mu badette, madami na din naman kasi akong napapansing hindi kaaya-aya diyan sa boif mo este ex pala. Sana tumatak ito sa kukote mo at ng makapag-move on kana bukas na bukas din. Hindi ka si Bea at hindi siya si John Lloyd para hintayin niyo pa ang three months para maka-get over. Ang buhay ay hindi isang Star Cinema. At wala talagang One More Chance sa totoong buhay. So let me count the ways of how i loathe your guy:
+ Payatot siya. Mas malaki pa katawan ko sa kanya. Baka nga pag nagsuntukan kami, titilapon na lang siya bigla papuntang Russia. Nung nabalitaan kong hiniwalayan ka niya, talagang umariba na ang urge ko to kick his bony ass papuntang outer space. Pero nagmakaawa ka with your tear-stained face. Mabait ka talaga bakla. Minsan, masarap ka din suntukin.
+ Tadtad ng pimple mukha niya. Malaki naman sweldo niya pero hindi siya nagpapaderma. Meaning to say, hindi siya marunong talaga magprioritize. Not good for a prospect.
+ May mga past stories siya about women na iniwan lang din niya dahil hindi pa siya handang pumasok sa isang commitment like marriage. Kinwento mo iyon sa akin diba. I was flinching when I heard his escapades from you. I’m sad at naging bahagi ka na din ng mga escapade na ikwekwento niya sa mga mamemeet niya pa.
+ Lage siyang tulog. I understand na call center siya nagtatrabaho kaya given na lage siyang puyat but isn’t it a bit insulting na nasa gitna kayo ng date ninyo at bigla ka lang niyang tutulugan?! Oo nga at binibilhan ka niya ng bonggang mga gamit at sandamakmak na branded apparells pero alam kong alam mo na hindi nun macocompensate ang mga kakulangan niya sa iyo. Ibenta mo na nga iyang mga pinamigay niya sa iyo at nang may makuha ka namang maganda sa kanya!
+ And lastly, kinuha niya sa iyo ang national treasure mo na pinakaiingatan mo na para sana sa magiging asawa mo in the future. Alam niya kung gaano kaimportante iyon sa iyo. Alam niya na konserbatibo ka at hindi ka kagaya kong super post-modern. Alam niya na mababatukan ko siya sa kilikili pag sinira niya yung tiwala na binigay mo. Alam niya. At naiinis akong isipin na hindi siya marunong magpahalaga.
Kaya masaya ako na wala na kayo. Masaya din ako at dahil sa experience mong iyon, super post modern ka na din gaya ko. Gustuhin ko man budburan ka ng sangkaterbang bad influence sa katawan para magalit ka ng husto sa kanya at maghiganti, alam kong hindi mo din magagawa iyon sa lupit ng kabaitan sa katawan mo. Kaya sige, pagtiyagaan mo na lang ang Kleenex na binigay ko. Ubusin mo agad yung laman para may mapaglagyan naman ako sa taong tatadtarin ko.
Nanggigigil sa galit,
Ako
November 30th, 2011 at 18:58
Look, I don’t really meddle in anyone’s love life. I may chismax to others about it but meddle, nah. Therefore I will not meddle in yours. I will not meddle even if I think he’s a douche. And a serial dumper. And clutches his spoon when he eats. I will not meddle even if I see less of you (believe me, not by choice) because I know that sooner than later, I will again. I refuse to meddle because love is a cold with no cure. Ride it out. Starve it. Feed it. Sweat buckets. Nothing works. So I will not meddle. Just so we’re clear.
December 1st, 2011 at 05:17
kaaliw yung post ni johnbristol6
-May mga taong ipinaglihi sa kutsara. Stir lang ng stir. Paasahin ka sa wala.
-May mga taong postmodern lang talaga, gusto lang nilang gawin ang isang bagay kasi why not.
-Isang gabi, pwedeng sabihin niyang mahal ka niya, subalit huwag itong ituring na Gospel truth. Huwag muna itong isulat sa diary.
December 1st, 2011 at 11:33
Dear K,
I didn’t want to do this since you have been talking about this girl since forever. Mukhang in love na in love ka talaga, at sino ba naman ako para basagin ang trip mo, di ba? Pero sa mga panahong ito, parang kailangan mo lang talaga ng kaibigan—kaibigan na tutulungan imulat ang mata mo sa nagbabagang katotohanan: she’s not that into you, the way that you never seem to be in her (double entendre po ito).
Nagulat laming lahat ng ipakilala mo siya sa amin. According to all the fragrant stories you plied us with during your “private” courtship, “class na class” ang babaeng ito, magaling manamit, magaling mag-English, edukada, at matalino. At higit sa lahat, maganda. Nanggaling tayong lahat sa isang art school kaya naniwala naman kami sa mga kwento mo—may tiwala kami sa taste mo. Pero nung Christmas party natin noong isang taon, proud na proud ka pang dinala ang babaeng ito—I wouldn’t even dare call her human, kasi the term human kind of connotes someone raised in an organized society. Walang aspeto ng babaeng ito ang maganda—mula sa mukha, taste sa pananamit, jokes, pananalita, at in fairness, boba siya. Simpleng paglalagay ng date sa isang affidavit, hindi niya maintindihan. At pag-upo niya sa upuan, inalis kaagad niya ang sapatos niya at tinaas ang paa niya. Noong sumakay tayo sa kotse mo, tinaas din niya ang paa niya sa dashboard. At in fairness, ang pangit niya manamit—saan mo ba nakilala ang babaeng ‘to? Dati ba siyang pokpok? Lahat ng damit niya ay one size smaller sa dapat niyang isuot. Kung akala niya sexy ang ganon, pakisabihan naman na mukha siyang pinagtripan ng wicked stepsisters.
Isang parte lang ng pag-ayaw namin sa kanya ang pagiging panget niya from top to toe and from the inside and out. Gusto lang niya kasi ang pera mo. Gusto niya ng taga-hatid at taga-sundo. Gusto niya ng maayos na trabaho sa kumpanyang pinapasukan natin para hindi na siya maghintay ng mga kustomer sa Ermita o sa Quezon Ave. Napansin mo rin bang hindi siya nagbabaon ng pagkain at hindi rin siya kumakain pag wala ka? Kasi gusto niya ibili mo siya ng Jollibee araw-araw. Siguro, hindi rin siya pumapayag na halikan mo siya kasi mahahalata mo na lasang Jollibee siya kahit bagong toothbrush kakapabili niya sa yo ng fast food meals.
Naalala mo rin ba nung minsang naglambing ka sa kanya, pinagbantaan ka niyang papatayin gamit ang tinidor? Medyo kinilig ka pa nga non e, habang nahihindik kaming lahat na nakatingin sa inyong dalawa. Naalala mo nung sinabihan niya ang nanay mo, na isang napapakabait na tao, na pakialamera at ayaw daw sa kanya? Concerned lang naman ang nanay mo nung araw na yon na nabati niya ang palda ng girlfriend mo. Kala kasi ng nanay mo, parte ng pang-itaas yung napaka-iksing palda na yon. Yung pamunas ko sa salamin, mas mahaba pa sa palda ng girlfriend mo.
Pero ang mas matindi, nung nagpabili siya sa yo ng iPhone. Ang lambing lambing niya non, pero nung naibili mo na siya ng iPhone, nakalimutan na niya ang pangalan mo. Hoy na lang ang tawag nya sa yo. Pinagyabang pa niya ang iPhone niya na parang pinaghirapan niya talaga ang pambili non. Siguro nga pinaghirapan niya—pinaghirapan niyang hingin sa yo.
Naalala mo pa ba nung nagpabili siya sa yo ng vacuum cleaner kasi marumi daw ang bahay nila? E yong time na ikaw na lang ang nagbabayad ng bills nila? Pati flashlight at walis para sa bahay nila, ikaw na rin ang bumibili. K, masyado ka pang bata para maging azucarero de papa.
Alam namin na in love ka talaga, at medyo generous ka pag in love ka. Pero nakita siya ng tropa natin na nakikipaglaplapan sa afam sa Morato nung isang araw. Yung afam na yon, for sure hindi mo kasing-generous, pero infernez, maganda raw ang katawan. Instead na i-confront mo ang girlfriend mo sa nangyari, pinadalhan mo pa siya ng flowers. Para saan? Sorry na hindi ka kasing-hot nung afam?
Sige, K, in love na kung in love. Pero kung wala kang pera, tatagal kaya kayo? Sayang kasi ang emotional (at financial) investment mo para sa kanya. Bumili ka na lang ng aso, at least kahit gastusan mo, nare-reciprocate naman ang pagmamahal mo. O kaya teddy bear. Yung pinakamahal at pinakamalambot na pwede mong yakapin sa gabi.
Gising na, smell the coffee percolating, at wag na umarte na parang trese ka lang at first love mo ito. Trenta ka na at hindi maganda ang ekonomiya para sa mga girlfriend na manggagamit. Leave that to the DOMs.
Concerned lang naman,
Kaming mga tunay mong kaibigan
December 2nd, 2011 at 03:45
Hey You,
Yes you’re cool! We agree! Please stay with her. Line a table with coke at a bar somewhere and get high and feel all mighty then jump off the rooftop of your building and land on the front page tomorrow. Or pass out in front of that club you two frequent because nothing says “I am a smart and wonderful person” than finding yourself swimming in your own puke the next morning on a sidewalk. Wave the evil system that has corrupted all of us, your other friends, your middle finger because we’re such sad little people who’ve chosen the boring old shitty 9-to-5 path, unlike you two, you free spirits, driving 120kph while shitfaced drunk because there’s nothing absolutely amazing than being a quadriplegic. We’re really sorry for being such losers and we apologize that we’ll never get to experience giving sad old ugly people blow jobs when our parents finally kick us out. You two are such anti-conformists!
United in schadenfreude,
your boring friends
P.S. Tell us how senior citizen jizz tastes like, okay? Seriously. We’re curious. :-)
December 2nd, 2011 at 10:36
Bru, ?
Asan ka? AWOL ka na naman daw. ?Nag-away na naman kayo ng jowa mo ano?
Lagi ko namang sinasabi kasi sa ‘yo, tigilan mo na ang mga beinte anyos at hindi sila para sa ‘yo. Yang mga cougar cougar na yan na napapanood mo sa The Tyra Banks Show ay puro kailusyunan lamang. Nililinlang nila ang mga sarili nila. Iisa lang ang Ralph Recto sa mundo at nakuha na ni ate Vi.
Muntik na kitang itakwil nung di mo pinaalam sa akin na nagpa-Belo ka pala dahil gusto ni Karl ang malalaking suso at makakapal na labi. Friend, di ko lang masabi sa ‘yo, pero muntik na ‘kong mapakaripas ng takbo nung una kitang makita pagkatapos kang magparetoke. Hanggang ngayon nagkaka-nightmare pa ako pag naaalala ko ang itsura mo noon. Para kang si Margarito pagkatapos pulbusin ni Pacquiao. Inubos mo ang ipon mo para dito; ngayon gusto mong bumalik sa Belo clinic dahil nabibigatan ka sa suso mo. Lagi ka rin kamo sinisiksik ng mga lalaki sa jeep. Well, magtiis ka.
Lagi akong tinatanong ng asawa ko kung bakit kita pinagtitiyagaan. Sabi ko, ako na lang ang natitirang kaibigan mo. Pinasumpa ako ng nanay mo noong nasa ICU siya. Alagaan daw kita. Hirap na siyang huminga noon pero nakuha pa niyang ihabilin ka at sinabing “Girlie, ikaw na ang bahala sa kinakapatid mo, medyo kakaiba siya,” tapos nalagutan na siya ng hininga.
Kakaiba ka nga friend, pero di ko akalain na ganito ka kalala. Itinakwil ka na nga ng mga kapatid mo. Pano ba naman pati binatilyo ng landlady mo pinatos mo. Nakakahiya talaga ang itsura mo noong sinundo kita sa me barangay hall kung saan nakakalat ang mga maleta at mga damit mo.
Saang istasyon ng bus na naman kaya kita hahanapin? Maloka-loka ako sa kakakulit sa mga sikyo at yosi boy sa lahat ng Victory Liner terminals noong isang buwan dahil nagwala ka at gusto mong lumarga sa kung saang lupalop sa Pilipinas dahil nadiskubre mong nagdate si Karl at isa sa mga kaklase niya sa night school gamit ang perang binigay mo pang-tuition niya.
Sa totoo lang, pagod na pagod na ko sa kaka-blotter kada nawawala ka sa sarili mo. Me template na nga yung mga pulis sa WPD dahil sa dalas kong mag-report sa kanila. Di pa man ako nakakapagsalita ina-announce na nila (dinig pati ng mga preso) “o, si Ms. Supsup – marahil dahil sa kapal ng labi mo – missing in action na naman.”
Bakit nga ba tumagal ka diyan ke Karl? Yung mga nauna, fling fling lang. Alam ko, napakatigas ng mga muscles niya, kulay lalaki siya at maganda ang ipin niya. Sabi mo nga, dahil siguro mahilig siyang mag-floss. Pero naman, di ka ba nahihiyang madalas tanungin ng mga kakilala natin kung anak mo siya? Na sinasagot mo lang ng isang malutong na halakhak. Di ako nanlalait ng kapwa, pero di lang edad ang malaking pagkakaiba ninyo. Me MBA ka, siya high school lang ang natapos. Hayaan mo na sina Gerald Anderson at Sarah Geronimo sa pagkakaroon ng “langit at lupa” na pagmamahalan. Madalas di totoo yun. Pero dahil sa kahibangan mo ngayon, di ko na alam kung sino sa inyo ang mas matalino. Ang alam ko, praktikal lang siya. Ikaw ba naman ang me limang libong allowance buwan-buwan.
Di ko alam kung bakit nakuha mo pa siyang dalhin sa high school reunion natin. Diyosko, nakakahiya! Nakatunganga lahat, lalo na si Ms. Dimalanta, parang mahihimatay nung nag-dirty dancing na kayo. Ang lalaswa ng mga pics ninyo. Nakita ko sa FB. Balita ko natanggal daw si Karl sa security agency na pinagtatrabahuan niya.
Ewan ko kung mababasa mo ‘tong mahabang text ko. Nag-pm din ako sa FB. Me wifi-on-board na ang mga bus. Sumagot ka. Pudpod na suwelas ng sapatos ko.
-Girlie
December 2nd, 2011 at 15:29
DEAR CHI,
You are an astronaut. He is just an onlooker. You have worn your spacesuit. Perfect. Now my friend Nancy Van Pelt says in a forum I mean book THAT “ Before an astronaut steps aboard a space capsule, he receives careful instruction.” Hey! Don’t look on that pathetic onlooker. Look at me. Damn, I hate him. Loathe. Lovely loathing.
Stop seeing him, Chi. You are a bemedalled astronaut. While he is a bemedalled onlooker! I am not slagging with his life nor his personality nor his damn credentials! I am just stating a point: remember that episode where you see me with my frustration over that liquid correction pen. I was ecstatic when that first flow of white deletees came out. It worked because you followed the instructions. Thank you big for that! YOU are good at following instructions. And by that, my students under me—from 1-Love to 1-Hope ( my ubercute 80 advisees!) to 1-Charity to 4-Quezon have developed that sense of instruction. You are my inspiration. Truly. I always lecture them with the words, “No matter how intelligent you are…but if you will not follow the instructions, it is useless; your intelligence is USELESS!” (“Bozo, in short. Right, sir?” EXACTLY!) I would give them daily exercises on it. Like, Draw the Philippine flag; shade the bottom field; write the name Laarni at the left side of the flag; grid the name; draw the symbol of drama at the ride side of the flag. Or this—Write your name in anonym! Or this—Draw a four-shelf open cabinet; at the topmost shelf, draw the symbol of Tragedy; at the bottom shelf, draw four teardrops (with its IPA) !!!!! Now, every examination whether from Division to TESDA to Ateneo to Y8.com, my students, under me, read that fine print on how to take the test. Including the seat number, CHI!
It is YOUR TURN NOW to follow my advice: LEAVE the kitchen, CHI, LEAVE! The kitchen is haunted. Please do not stand on statue platform. But you still climb up with your big butt. Breasts shaking. You stand there as if you were a policeman. People close to you yell as if there were toddlers messing the detergent bar on the soap dish. Then you do your 37th planking. Hang shirt with print facing direct sunlight for at least 8 hours before laundry (Modtrade tag) yet have you hung the green shirt? Ex-president Arroyo, as of this writing, has followed the “Move to the VMMC” court order.
Before the breeze would turn into gust; a bite into a sore, stop the crap, Chi. You are not Penelope that waits. Gurgle the solution for 30 seconds. For best results, use Listerine Extra-Strength…He vandalized your Facebook wall. As if all of your friends were out there in Zagreb. Forgiveness is not an option. Tomatoes are. A little research here, he punched his former GFs. No that’s not the research part. His father, according to Alo, when drunk, punched his mother!
I can give you ten metaphors, 20 million hyperboles, and 1 personification for that asshole. 18 portmanteaus—inuman (inutile plus manhid), pera (pest plus negative aura)!
I don’t want to hear someday this: Oh, how’s Chi?…Chi’s fine. She is a walking punching bag! Or this—I saw Chi on TV!…On Cooking Mommies with Judy Ann?…No! On Face to Face (episode: Leaving the House Too Late and Blue…and Black!); or this—Grand Alumni Homecoming and we would see you “In Memoriam” (cause of death: unknown…but known to us!)
He barely managed your bakery business. That alone is a sure winner of getting your passport and coat and be offshore!
From the start, I don’t like that bald. His offering smiles were soul-wrenching. His responses, far-fetched. Almost twisted! I talked about Abu Sayyaf and he peppered his statements with SM malls and Rubik’s cube! And he has this corny expression of “Bullshit!” Plus, that fishy stare. Imagine me having that eye dynamics. Ugh! How’d he do that? Intricate.
Tie with scrunchie. Apply liberally as often as necessary. Wear ID in the premises. Keep silence. Avoid leafy vegetables for your gastritis. Wacky-wacky! Be there before boarding time. Don’t talk about our relationship with Iraq. Next time. There are a lot of directions here on earth, Chi, but I hope you follow the greatest commandment ever: ABORT THE RELATIONSHIP. ASAP!
Miguel
December 2nd, 2011 at 16:03
Dear Roque,
Certified third-rate copycat ka talaga! Kailan lang ba nang mag-Claudine ka’t naglupasay dahil nilimas ng hombre mo ang joint account nyo? Ngayon naman feeling KC dahil na caught in the act mo habang nagcho-chorvahan sila ng beking mas sariwa sa ‘yo. Ano ang susunod, mag-aala-Claudia Zobel ka na?
Napakatanga mo matandang datungera! O hayan isinampal ko na sa ‘yo ang tatlong salitang hate na hate mong ikapit sa ‘yo! At pasukdol na ang antas ng pang-uring ginamit ko, ha. Sino ba ang nagpayo sa ‘yong makipagbalikan ka sa kanya matapos nyang itakbo ang dolyares mo? Si Ate Charing? Ngayon parang gusto mo nang mag-hara-kiri dahil may kasalo ka pala sa nota nya. Aba, si Madame Butterfly naman ang kokopyahin mo? Napaghahalata tuloy na lampas na sa kalahating siglo ang edad mo. Bakit di ka nalang lumaklak ng silver cleaner? ‘Yan ang uso ngayon sa mga tulirong tanga na gustong matigbak sa mundong ibabaw! Gumising ka Maruja! Siguro waterproof , bulletproof at shockproof ang safety helmet mo’t kahit i-umpog kita ng bonggang-bonga, wa effect pa rin.
Datungera ka! Sobra! Ano ka, bebing nangingitlog ng ginto? Lalo namang hindi mala-kalabaw ang beauty mo para gawing gatasan, di ba? Si Kris Aquino, may karapatang maging sugar mommy pero ikaw, wala! Wala! Akala mo lang, meron. Talo mo pa ang gobyerno sa pagre-rehab ng pamilya nya! Pambili ng pampasadang sidecar, educational foundation ng mga kapatid, at house and lot loan sa PAG-IBIG…winner ka, Teh. Ikaw na talaga! Isaksak mo sa cerebrum mo na hindi nabibili ang pag-ibig! Kahit na anong edition pa ng thesaurus ang buklatin mo, hindi talaga magkasinghulugan ang pag-ibig at andalus, kuha mo?
Matanda ka na! Amoy-lupang hinirang ka na kahit ilang bote pa ng Issey Miyaki ang ipaligo mo! Ano ka ba, Rue? Kailangan pa bang magbigay ako ng PowerPoint presentation para mas madali mong maintindihan? Kumain ka nga ng maraming mungo para gumana ang mga brain cells mo!
Blessing ni Pacing din ang mga pangyayari dahil may pagkakataon kang makapag-isip at magkaroon ng bagong pananaw sa inyong relasyon. Hindi ka nya love at hindi ka nya binigyang halaga! ‘Yan ang radyo veritas na malinaw pa sa deionized water! Hindi ko naman inaasahang suklian ka nya ng dalisay at wagas na pagmamahal. Suntok na sa buwan ang ganon. Respeto man lang sana sa iyo at simpleng pagtanaw ng utang na loob sa mga nagawa mo sa kanya. Rue, hindi mo kailangang mang-amot ng pag-ibig para mabuhay! Umahon ka na sa kumunoy ng relasyong tigmak sa dusa’t pighati, echos! Seriously,Teh i-endo mo na syaa! Kung si Demi nagawang diborsyohin si Ashton nang itoy’y nangaliwa, ikaw pa kaya? You’re made of sterner stuff samantalang siya’y made of plastic lang, mapamukha o mapa-dibdib man. Kaya mo yan!
Joy
P.S.
Sorry sa pagiging harsh ko. Hindi pa kasi tumatalab ang nilaklak kong Norvasc at Cozaar kaya sumirit ang bp ko. Ito nga pala ang control number (5691649827) ng $500 na ipinadala ko sa Western Union. Loan ko sa yo, pandagdag sa puhunan mo. Natanggap ko na kasi ang Ramadan bonus ko. May interest ‘yan, lokah! Saka ‘yong paborito mong Issey Miyaki, ipadadala ko sa kasamahan kong magbabakasyon dyan sa December. ‘Yong maintenance mo pala, hwag kalilimutang tumungga ng Caladryl para mabawasan ang pagiging higad mo! Smile ka na.
December 2nd, 2011 at 20:01
Dear Best Friend,
So I know that you’ve been dating this guy you met at work for a while now and I just want to tell you how happy I am for you. You won’t admit it but it’s obvious how crazily in love you are with him, and I must admit, he really is the perfect guy for you. You’re a match made in heaven. You were just destined to be together.
It makes me so happy how you two remind of Tom and Summer. They both liked The Smiths, right? And the two of you also have so much in common. You really like eating out and watching movies. It’s as if you were really made for each other. That’s a great sign of a great relationship!
And I must say that you’re really lucky to find a guy like him. He’s so not like all the other guys that I know you’ve dated. He doesn’t text as often and he rarely asks you out on date. He won’t be a needy husband for sure! I also like how he keeps secrets from you, how he tells lies sometimes (white ones, I’m sure), and how doesn’t like you asking too many questions. Relationships need boundaries, and it’s rare for a guy to acknowledge that. That’s makes him a really great catch.
The thing I like the most about him is how often he makes you cry. Sometimes with reason, and most of the time without. He is giving you lots of chances to show him how much you really love him and how much you’re willing to sacrifice your happiness for him. What more can you ask for? And I’ve seen how happy you are knowing that you’re willing to endure all the pain and suffering just to save your relationship. If that isn’t true love, then I don’t know what is.
Anyway, I just want to say how seriously excited I am for you guys to get married. I’m sure that you’ll have a life full of happiness with him. He is just perfect!
Love,
Your Best Friend
December 2nd, 2011 at 20:05
Dear Kristina,
You do not and will never have a penis.
Sincerely,
Your Gaydar
December 3rd, 2011 at 21:32
Dear Nimfa,
As I read your email last Tuesday night, the overall reaction was a raging consternation and surprise. For years Nimfa, you have clamored, keened, drank, upset yourself and threw your grandmother’s antiquated glasswares out of reasons with which I cannot restrain myself from slipping into contortions while laughing my ass off. Reasons schizophrenics like me may never apprehend: to love. Not so long ago, I found out that you were dating some guy. The next day I learned that you two hooked. From then on your relationship reeled over gravel, scathed your cuticles and dodged anvils falling from the sky. But it was only when you have sent me your email that I found out what was really going on. Why have you entrusted this intel to me after so many years? You told me you were sick of his peculiar, obsessive-compulsive habits but, however, you still kept to him. Nimfa, just recalling those things makes me retch.
And you know what? Making a deliberate introduction is tedious, therefore, I resolve cutting to the chase:
Spare yourself from the ignominy of having your bra worn over his face every time he sees them dangling on the clothesline. Remember how he showed his genuine love to your relatives by giving them scented candles and picture frames each Christmas for five years straight? You wake up each morning and squander eons putting on pounds of foundation over your face just to avoid being mistaken as his personal assistant. Not that I’m saying that you look like one. Aren’t you tired of the fact that, despite the arresting looks, his IQ cannot even exceed the size of his penis? He can’t even eat pasta without soiling your tablecloth which, by the way caused you hours of arduous scrubbing.
Nimfa, it is distressing enough to visualize the time when you embarked on macrobiotic diets that resulted into fits of anorexia nervosa. You literally cannibalized your health just to look pleasing for that jerk. And surely, he did very well congratulate you. Your skin begins to tighten, curves begin to appear and your fat thaws away. You were killing yourself to look acceptable, feel acceptable, you wanted to belong to his pathetic wing. You were enslaved by the compulsion of submitting yourself, and by the time you realize it, you’re a rickety mass of bones. He never cared if you were starving yourself to look good before his lenses, all he wanted was fresh meat served on a golden platter. Even if it came with a body count, all that matters is the meat, meat, meat.
Dear, you know very well that you deserve more than this. Why, then, do you insist on pairing with this beast? You’ve got a face that can trample Helen of Troy’s, and provoke an intergalactic armada to a snap mobilization. Aphrodite would stage a war if she catches glimpse of you. Even the gayest man would switch to being straight just to marry you! Truly, you are one of the nicest, most noble women I have ever known. You stand on your principles, your righteous indignation, you stipulate for justice and demand rectification for what is not. Not to mention that you graduated Suma Cum Laude from Ateneo. You’re the complete package! Why stick to the apes’ forebear? Why grind your ego on someone whom you would never deserve in all of the general unified theory of everything? What’s up with your masochism slash martyrdom? You have the means to get rid of this psychological wringer! This isn’t love! This isn’t how real relationships should work! I can’t even tell if you are really, insanely, madly in love with each other for crying out loud! You do not need a dweeb who is such a pain in the ass! Come to your senses Nimfa! Do I have to pinch or slap you to wake you up? I do not think that fate or destiny would lob a walking atrocity to be your lifetime partner! What keeps you up with that cantankerous Pierre, I have no idea. Ditch him before he screws you. And stop doing his laundry because they smell like it had been marinated in a bog along with preserved plants.
The way we look upon you, the manner through which we admire you, it’s as if the universe ought to stop expanding. Even the mutinous noise in Manila would drop to a few octaves lower that you could hear a strand of hair drop.
I am leaving the decision to you, Nimfa. It’s either you let those constraints crush you into a padded cell, step into the noose without thinking twice or letting go of yourself. For once you’ve decided your verdict, there will be no U-turn; the glob of slime and nerve endings will dement the hell out of you forever and ever, way beyond the end of time.
Just live life the way you want to live it, watching time billow along with the gust. Make unbiased decisions in your favor. Flutter away before the retractable tongues catch and gobble you down into voluminous stomachs. In the meantime someone has a few words to come by. I will always be here dear friend, waiting in the wings.
Your Bestfriend,
Adamant Millefiore