Auntie Janey’s Old-Fashioned Agony Column #50: Are you the girlfriend or the tension relief?
Dear Auntie Janey,
I have been single for the past two years and some months now. Previously, I had a boyfriend who seemed to be an amazing man of God. We would exchange passages each morning from our daily devotions, he would fetch me after work, we would spend time talking with each other and just having a good time watching movies and listening to music. One morning, I just found out that he was still married and everything he said about his supposedly ex-wife is a lie. After finding out that he was cheating with me, I broke up with him and have been single since. It is not like no one has ever found interest in dating me, but I just have not found interest with the men who have been asking me out on dates. However, 7months after the break up, I started hooking up with a good friend of mine and we’ve been like that for a year and some months now. He is in a long distance relationship and has been on and off with her, and sometimes I think to myself “couldn’t it be that its you and me?”
Now am 25, turning 26 in December; and he is 36 turning 37 in December as well. At my age now, many of my friends keep on saying that I should settle down already, and have kids of my own. I keep on telling them that I cant even take care of myself how much more other people. And they would tell me that I should start to shape up, because my “expiration date” is coming up really fast. In reality, of course I want to be in a serious and stable relationship, but am too scared to really start dating and opening myself to other people again. At the same time, I have this man whom I have been seeing consistently for the past almost 2yrs, but I have no idea if he sees me as someone he could fall in love with or just really someone he could release all his tensions to. My thinking is that if the two us is ever going to work out as bf/gf, then it should’ve happened a long time ago. Maybe its stupid of me, because in spite the fact that i know he has this long distance girlfriend i still stood by him and still hope a little that one day he wakes up in love with me.
Recently we had this pregnancy scare, and both of us made sure that i was not gonna get pregnant. He research on female body clock and at the same time i took a 24hour pill to prevent possible pregnancy. During that phase, he showed concern about how i was doing and feeling, but thats about it. I think he was more concerned on assuring that i was not pregnant. Then i told him that if in any case the situation present itself, i am not going to force him to do anything he doesnt want to do. The next morning he apologized for how he acted and i told him that it was ok. Now, we are again back to how we were… We go out to movies, dinners, and whatever else.
So this is telling you my story in the hopes of maybe clarifying somethings in my life. Should i stop seeing this man and just find someone else to date? And if its better for me to see someone else, what exercise could I do so that I do not shut down immediately men who find interest to date me? If its a good idea to try and be with this man, then how should i begin telling him that i want us to try us be bf/gf?
Thank you Auntie Janey, hopefully I could read from you soon…
Pilya
Dear Pilya,
I’m writing this while taking a break from packing my stuff for a three-day trip to some remote beach in Camarines Norte. I am not particularly fond of the beach but I do take interest in rock formations, marine life, and in anything that would allow me to pretend I’m hosting a nature show on Discovery Channel. In the process, I make myself paranoid. I remember a time that I went to this island called Snake Island, because literally it was the nesting site of sea snakes during high tide. My inner Discovery commentator with a British accent said “Sea snakes are one of the most venomous snakes in the world”.
Speaking of snakes, I think you are playing with one. It’s a dangerous game that you are playing and you got almost bitten once. We all have this fascination for the dangerous despite our misgivings and it is such a thrill to do something which we know could backfire on us. It becomes more thrilling knowing that if we eluded harm or injury once, we could do it again. So we continue the dance.
I think you already know that you are just there to relieve his tensions, figuratively and literally. All the convenience without the corresponding obligations. Why should he make it more complicated by anointing you as his official girlfriend when he already gets what he wants without you making such a fuss about it? And as you yourself observed, if he wanted the two of you to be together, he would have already declared on Facebook that the two of you are in a relationship.
You could test the waters by withdrawing all your services from him. Let him chase you around a bit. Make yourself less available and try to do things on your own and with other people. I’ve written about this in my first ten columns or so, please look them up. If he pursues you, well and good. There is a chance that he would discover that you are the one. If he just let’s you go, well honey at least you had some good boinking.
It would be a bad idea to tell a man that you want to take things to the next level. “The Talk” will not do any good in your situation. You have been doing all the duties of a girlfriend or wife yet you do not have the official status. It has been going on for so long that I think you are just a buddy with benefits for him. A self-cleaning tissue, some mean people would remark(me).
I think you will have a hard time letting him go and dating other men because you have spent so much time on him already. But, if you do want to date other men, the best exercise is to go out there and actually date. When we are constantly exposed to something, our defenses are eventually lowered because we are already comfortable with it. You have only gotten used to just one man and by allowing yourself to meet other men(meet ha not sleep with) you may eventually get used to them and be at ease. See less or no more of him and throw yourself into the dating circle.
I’ve just noticed that my newly-bought humongous mountaineering bag(the original plan was to climb up some mountain) still has lots of space, I must restrain myself from stuffing all of my closet into it.
Truly Yours,
Auntie Janey
agoniesforauntiejaney@gmail.com
Answers to questions you might be asking, unless you wandered onto this site purely by accident >>>
April 6th, 2012 at 10:21
Dear Pilya: Are you my doppelganger? Because your “amazing man of God” sounds almost exactly like the thirty-something theologian that I fell in love with not too long ago, when I was still your age. Oh, what a genius he was in speaking of the word of God! And oh, what a jerk he was when he let me down. It took me three years to get over him, and two more for me to realize that he was actually into “daisies”… meaning, daisy-ocho anyos ang pag-itan ng edad nila ng kanyang bagong jowa. Haha.
Nothing more to add to Auntie Janey’s advice, except to suggest a little soul-searching on what you’re getting from turning yourself into a human masturbation device for the men you get involved with from time to time. (Oh yes, you read that right. Think about that for a minute.) While you’re at it, why not give those guys who ask you out another try? Sure, you might not feel anything for them now, but there’s no reason to count them out yet if they still have a few redeeming qualities in them; all you have to do is pay close attention. Good luck!
PS. You don’t need a relationship to watch your ovulation cycle; in fact, it’s better to do that on your own, while you’re still single, and not keeping yourself too busy (ahem) with a sexual partner of any sort. Think about that for a minute, too.
April 6th, 2012 at 18:13
Dear Pilya,
My unsolicited advice starts below:
If I suggest that you drop that dude who has shown “concern” for how you were “doing and feeling” during that phase when both of you were trying to NOT be pregnant, could/would you do it?
Answer only with a YES or NO,
not maybe,
not `YES but’,
not `NO but.’
For a change, stop thinking about him and start thinking as if you are him. Imagine yourself as a dude who has a girl at his easy beck and call (lets call her close-distance girl) whilst also having another girl waiting somewhere out there (lets call her longdistance girl). How does it feel to have 2 girls one of whom is more than willing to bend over backwards for you, take the 24 hour pill and is willing to let you go scot free even if in case you get her pregnant? How does it feel to be SO wanted? Does it feel good? Does it feel filling? How does it feel if you suddenly learn that closedistance girl almost got pregnant. What should a man like you do? Answer: Make sure she doesnt get pregnant. If she gets pregnant, youd either have to man up & be responsible or at least pay for the maternity bills. Worse, that would defeat the purpose of that relationship, you’re only there for the easy-beck&call-ness of it, It’s not supposed to be hard. Thats why you make sure she wont get pregnant because pregnancy is obviously complicated. You know you’re not doing this for her, you’re doing this for you. Who else should you do this for? It’s a bonus if she agrees with you and is doing all she can to make this true. Plus, she also gave you permission to screw her and leave. That is why a vague apology is enough to hook her back in. That’s a sign that she cares for you enough to start going back to both your old patterns and activities because you know that you can do no wrong in her eyes and that she is willing to take whatever crap you give and she will accept it all.
Now, Pilya, for a real change, start thinking about your Self.
Read your own letter and see how you already know the answer to your questions.
“I have no idea if he sees me as someone he could fall in love with”
You have no idea because he’s not giving you any. Because you have a ton of clues and enough history to know he wont fall in love with you. Still you insist to see him and your relationship thru rose colored glasses when you yourself could smell his stench from a mile away. See, even Auntie Janey can smell his stench. Where is this HOPE that youll soon be bf/gf coming from? Be honest, what gave you the idea that you are merely “someone he could release all his tensions to?”
“I cant even take care of myself how much more other people.”
This is where your attention should be. Take care first of yourself girl and you dont have to worry about other people.
“am too scared to really start dating and opening myself to other people again.”
And this is why you’re with him in the first place. You dont want a relationship, you want justice. You can never get it from him. You were duped to accept crap from your first snake, stop accepting crap from that slithering dude you have now.
“and still hope a little that one day he wakes up in love with me.”
He doesnt love you girl, and he doesnt love his long distance girl too (would he be seeing you behind his girl’s back if he truly knows how to love?). He couldnt love anyone. One or both of you is his booty call. Dont be/ stop being it.
Auntie Janey is right.
Go NO CONTACT with him. See if he can stand not getting his usual supply from you. Dont answer his text/calls/email/whatever, dont see him.
Use that time to SEE you, to KNOW you.
You deserve to see, know and love you. You owe that to yourself.
If you want tools to be able to do this, I could send you links. Just say so.
April 6th, 2012 at 23:10
sobrang nakakainis talaga yang mga tao sa pinas na laging nagsasabi na may “expiration date” ang mga babae. i find that really offensive. wag kang makinig sa kanila. prove them wrong, like i did. i got married at 33 to a 27-year old loving and cute french guy, whom i met outside pinas. wala kasing mashadong matinong lalaki sa pinas, sa na-experiene ko, having been surrounded with mostly guys as friends and colleagues because of my studies and line of work.
April 7th, 2012 at 06:51
No labels, no responsibilities, no expectations, no pain. Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free? And you have been a very good cow, it seems. Either you stay being his personal cow until he milks you dry or you go beyond that fence he seems to have trapped you in. I say burn the fence, graze greener pastures and get to know yourself (and your worth) more.
April 7th, 2012 at 14:35
Dear Pilya,
If a man wants you, he’ll make you his own. Pack your bags and leave him NOW. Watching him walk away from you later on is gonna hurt your heart bad and beat the crap out of your already bruised self-esteem. There’s no use banking on “what ifs” and what “could’ve beens” those are just shitty songs.
Save sum face. Walk on. When in doubt,listen to U2. Bono has answers for everything. :D