JessicaRulestheUniverse.com

WARNING: IN THE WORDS OF THE OLD BOARD OF CENSORS, FOR ADULTS ONLY.

Before we go on we have to say that we feel bad for the kids who have no memory of Charlie Arceo’s movie reviews. Charlie Arceo was a production designer who also reviewed movies on a Sunday afternoon showbiz chismis show. He had strong opinions about the cinema, and his cleft palate (Ngongo; political correctness never caught on in the Philippines) gave him a unique style of delivery. During one Metro Manila filmfest he pronounced all the entries “Munok, mahura” etc. He was especially contemptuous of Payaso, the all-star German Moreno movie directed by Celso Ad. Castillo: “Ang miningunang ino ay munok, mahura…” It made us want to watch Mayaho, este Payaso.

Cut to: favorite movies we’ve never even seen. Not content with his 17-movie Top 10, here is Noel’s list of movie’s he is obsessed about seeing but will likely never see (or see again). As usual, it has more than 10 items.

1. Bagong Hari by Mario O’Hara
2. Super G starring Nora Aunor
3. The Greatest Performance of My Life, starring and directed by Ate Guy. “Everyone who claims to have seen the rushes claims it would ruin her career if it ever gets shown. Of course this just makes me more keen on seeing it.”
4. Bilanggo Sa Dilim by Mike de Leon


5. Tubog Sa Ginto by Lino Brocka
6. Wondergirl Vs. Fantastika! “Alma Moreno versus Pinky de Leon!”
7. Elektrika Kasi, Eh starring Trixia Gomez. “Which I’ve seen only once hence my obsession with watching it again.”
8. Gemma, Ang Babaeng Kidlat starring Evangeline Pascual. “I was fixated on its trailer.”
9. Kung Bakit Dugo Ang Kulay Ng Gabi by Celso Ad. Castillo. “I never saw it in its entirety but it scared me to death anyway.”
10. Black Coffee to Remember, Scotch on the Rocks to Forget by Ishmael Bernal. According to George Sison who was one of its producers, this was the first Filipino movie completely in English and it starred Rita Gomez and Vic Silayan. We will pay good money for a copy.
11. Good Morning, Sunshine starring Ate Vi and directed by Bernal. “Saw this in the theatre, barely remember anything but Liza Lorena’s campy babaeng bakla performance. By the way, the predictive text for bakla is balls.”
12. Payaso. In which Kuya Germs played the sad clown ahead of Krusty in The Simpsons. Probably sang “Send in the Clowns” too.
13. Pito Ang Asawa Ko by Ishmael Bernal, starring Vic Vargas. When we were kids Vic Vargas was the paragon of Filipino manhood. He was always cast as Lapu-Lapu in those Kasaysayan Ng Lahi pageants during the martial law era. Our idea of masculinity was based on Vic Vargas. You poor kids.

Cut to: Our Vic Vargas story. In the 80s, our friend worked as an art director on Celso Ad Castillo’s Mga Lihim ng Kalapati. In one scene Vic Vargas was supposed to be crucified. Being Vic Vargas he refused to get taped: he did the scene naked. While waiting for the cameras to roll, he was standing on a chair with his arms strapped to a crossbar. When Direk Celso yelled “Action!” someone would yank the chair out from under Vic Vargas, leaving him hanging by his arms.

At the time our art director friend was a demure baklita (“I still am.” Chos.) It amused Direk Celso to assign the demure baklita to hold the chair upon which stood the naked Vic Vargas. So our friend was standing in front of Vic Vargas, hands on the back of the chair, Vic Vargas’s Vic Vargas staring him in the face. Our friend averted his eyes from the family jewels. This took a lot of effort, not looking. Naturally the crew took a long time to set up the shot. A very long time. Our friend’s neck was beginning to hurt from the strain of turning his face away from the very sight he wished to behold.

Vic Vargas totally understood what our friend was going through. He said, “Tingnan mo na kasi. Sige na, tingnan mo na.” (Go on, look.)

Cut to: Ginger’s list. “I want to make my top 10 movies!” said our friend Ginger Spice (not his real name). “Puede bang lima lang? I have a very bad memory.” Ginger Spice goes to the movies only twice a year—we know because we drag him. Moviegoing is such a rare event that in his excitement he brings bags and bags of movie snacks. Trailer pa lang, pagod na kami sa kakanguya.

“Of course you can complete a top 10,” we said, “We’ll help you.”

In no particular order…

“Sinasamba Kita!” Directed by Eddie Garcia, starring Vilma Santos, Lorna Tolentino, Philip Salvador. “I love Ate Vi!”

“Ano yung pelikula na si Maricel (Soriano) at Richard (Gomez), yung local version ng The Heiress?” Ikaw Pa Lang Ang Minahal by Carlitos Siguion-Reyna.

“Yung kuwan, yung si Ace Vergel nakahubad.” We have no idea. Does anyone know the title? (Newsflash: Gerry does! From the key words “Ace Vergel naked” he recalled the answer instantly. “Inay, directed by Lino Brocka, starring Alicia Vergel.”)

“Ano nga yung ano, yung callboy si Bembol Roco?” Only the Filipino classic by Lino Brocka, Maynila: Sa Mga Kuko Ng Liwanag.

“Ano yung nag-abroad si Ate Vi at bwisit na bwisit ako kay Claudine Barretto…” Anak by Rory Quintos.

“Ano pa ba ang movies ni Ate Vi…” Sister Stella L? Rubia Servios? Pahiram Ng Isang Umaga? Tagos Ng Dugo? “Yun ba yung kasama si Francis Arnaiz? Yun yun!” Tagos Ng Dugo by Maryo J. delos Reyes.

“Insiang. Ang ganda-ganda ni Hilda.” Insiang by Lino Brocka.

“Ano yung movie na nagka-affair si Ate Vi kay Aga (Muhlach) tapos muntik nang ***ngin si Aga nung asawa ni Ate Vi?” (I-googels kaya natin ang ‘Ate Vi Aga ***ng’.) Sinungaling Mong Puso by Maryo J. delos Reyes.

“Eh yung si Jackie Lou Blanco may matchy-matchy na Louis Vuitton luggage?” Friends in Love starring Sharon Cuneta, William Martinez, Rowell Santiago. Or My Only Love with Sharon and Gabby?

“Wala na akong maisip.” Ang Pagdadalaga Ni Maximo Oliveros? “I love that!” And that’s 10.