In lieu of Twilights
Each time we see the trailer for the last Twilight movie the same thought pops into our head: Holy crap she’s a superhero now. So the Washington state vampires and werewolves alliance goes to war against the Italian old school vamps and it’s like the Pelennor Fields without cavalry, orcs, or anything we care remotely about.
Of course we’re going to watch it, and we hope it’s even more terrible than we imagine.
Here’s a poem by Baudelaire to remind us that literature about vampires used to be an estimable enterprise.
As you know Twilight has spawned another bestselling juggernaut: the Fifty Shades series, which started out as Edward-Jacob-whatshername fan fiction. Last week we stopped by the newly-opened National Bookstore in Glorietta 2 (next to the spot where it stood for many years)—the shelves aren’t fully stocked yet, but we were pleased to see so many dedicated to Fiction. (If you’ve been looking for Swamplandia or Ender’s Game, they have several copies.)
In one aisle there a woman hunkered on the floor, reading a book in an attitude we can only describe as furtive. What was she reading? Well she was kneeling in front of a shelf bearing many copies of Fifty Shades of Grey, and the book she was holding was of the same color. Whenever she saw someone approaching she would straighten up and act like she was looking for something on the shelf.
We understand the secrecy: we’re exactly the person you do not want to run into while holding that book. It’s like meeting Judge Dredd while you’re covered in another person’s blood. You will be chastised, not by us but by the voice in your head.
There’s only one way to deal with this: Brazen it out. Stand up straight and hold the book in front of your face for everyone to see. Contort your face in an expression of horror, as if the asinine prose is giving you acid reflux. Then titter theatrically, and if your acting skills are up to it, read a particularly idiotic passage out loud to show your disdain for the material.
The other customers will think you’re nuts, but your taste will not be impeached.
Answers to questions you might be asking, unless you wandered onto this site purely by accident >>>
November 7th, 2012 at 06:07
” … as if the asinine prose is giving you acid reflux.” Ang kulit! Haha.
At least, when you think about it, people are starting to read again. It takes time to develop a taste for what’s good in literature, but reading works like these may be the start of something beautiful.
November 7th, 2012 at 10:16
It’s the literary equivalent of singing a pogi-rock song into your hairbrush in the bedroom as your mom walks in.
November 7th, 2012 at 12:57
This is exactly why I go to bookstores to sniff the books. Smelling is far easier to conceal on account there isn’t much concentration required in my preferred monkey business. Oh, I buy books, too, but I’m not buying none of that Twilight cat vomit or any of it’s inbred versions.
Muahness from Pasig Cirehhh!
November 7th, 2012 at 16:53
My friends tried to read 50 Shades but none of them could take it. They all agreed that one is better off reading Anne Rice’s Sleeping Beauty Trilogy.
November 7th, 2012 at 17:34
“Of course we’re going to watch it, and we hope it’s even more terrible than we imagine.”
Hahaha my attitude exactly.
As for “Fifty Shades,” if people wanted to read some really graphic porn novels, they should turn to Anne Rice’s “Sleeping Beauty” trilogy (written under the name A.N. Roquelaure). Rice may be a bit verbose, but she has more imagination, and the “Beauty” trilogy has some of the wildest written-porn ever (straight sex! gay sex! lesbian sex! orgies! chains! spanking! lots and lots of spanking!) while maintaining creative integrity.
People who think “Fifty Shades” is actually good have never heard of Rice’s “Beauty” series, much like people who think Lady Gaga is some kind of fashion-statement trailblazer have never heard of Björk.
November 7th, 2012 at 18:43
That one movie ad for Breaking Dawn 2 is brilliant.
It’s sort of like that of The Hunger Games where they put pictures of the characters and the fighting skill that’s suppose to be their specialty. Only with the Twilight version they indicate the character’s “gift” or superpower or whatever the hell it is the Twilight vampires have.
What’s hilarious is that if you’ve read the books, you’ll know that Meyer’s Vampires have the lamest superpowers ever invented.
So you have a very constipated looking picture of a guy named Marcus and underneath him is his “gift”: “Relationship Identifier.” What does that even mean? How is that intimidating?
And then there’s this Rosalie character who is even worse. Can you imagine, her gift is “Enhanced Beauty”. How do you fight with “Enhanced Beauty?”
And we’re expected to be excited for “The Final Battle”. (Dun, dun DUNN) You start wondering how this whole “Battle” would look like when the participants have these for “superpowers”.
Oh wait. There is no Final Battle.
And even if you haven’t read the book it’s apparent who has the upper side in this “War” that I don’t know why they bothered with the whole “Coven versus Volturi” stuff at all.
There’s like seven Volturis in all against 16 members of “The Coven” and that’s not even including Jacob’s wolf pack.
November 7th, 2012 at 18:53
I suspect – and this is what annoyed me the most – that Fifty Shades is responsible for the re-classification of books in one of the stores in Greenbelt. There’s now an ‘Adult Fiction’ section. It immediately brought to mind the closed-off areas in old betamax and VHS rentals.
Erotica books were doing fine in the Literary shelf; just keep FS in General Fiction. But I guess it’s fine if it will interest people in checking out the other books.
November 7th, 2012 at 19:01
Sample use of “Relationship Identifier” gift: Edward, Jacob is not your former rival turned future son-in-law. He is…your secret boyfriend!
Edward and Jacob execute mutual suicide pact.
Two down!
November 7th, 2012 at 20:06
Oh my God.
I take it back. That would be exciting! Imagine the drama!
November 8th, 2012 at 08:35
“Enhanced Beauty” – the ability to put Dr. Belo out of business with but a mere enhancement of one’s look in a snap. That’s powerful!
The frightening thing is, the actress who plays Rosalie isn’t even that attractive.
November 8th, 2012 at 09:09
My wife got hold of the 50 Shades series. I only have two words for it — THANK YOU!