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Minister of Propaganda (MOP): Okay, excuse me. Now I need to pee. (After a few minutes) Grabe! He’s so tall pala!

LOT: I know! I was dwarfed. I couldn’t pee because the handicapped stall was locked. I couldn’t pee in front of Papa P!

MOP: Maybe that’s why they call him Papa P. We get so starstruck, mapapa-pee ka na lang next time!

LOT: I wasn’t so much starstruck as I was star-terrified.

MOP: Sumisixteen, teh? PBB Teens lang? Me, walang keme-keme. I went inside the stall, although I couldn’t look him in the eye. Not with a bodyguard following me in. Do I look like Erika Christensen in Swimfan?

LOT: If it’s dark. Really, really dark. Like, pitch black.

MOP: I saw the actress who played the maid in Kimmy Dora. She’s also in Moon of Desire, which—judge me now. She was in the bathroom talking to Papa P. I suspect that’s even less appropriate than me hanging around in there. Surprisingly, I actually wanted her autograph more than Papa P’s.

LOT: I believe she’s Papa P’s PA.

MOP: Even in the washroom, he needs a PA? What sort of assistance does he need inside the men’s room? And can I apply for the job?

LOT: You know, this pasta tastes like nothing.

MOP: It’s pasta? I never would’ve thought!

LOT: And you would think a place as ritzy as this would at least try to stay away from artificial creamer and give us the real stuff!

MOP: And use cups that don’t look like they came from Rodic’s.
(Note: Rodic’s is a diner in the UP Shopping Center.)

LOT: The presscon is starting!

MOP: The host is a girl. She’s so sosyal. Can I also have her job?

LOT: Only if you can properly say, “Ladies and gennelmen.”

MOP: I’m not sure I can get the right combination of adorable, fascinating, and annoying.

LOT: She says Anne Curtis was the first Filipina to be featured in this E! Asia series. What does that make Papa P?

MOP: The second.

LOT: Speaking of! Papa P is here!

MOP: Wait. Is he… singing?

LOT: Yes. “If I Fell” by the Beatles.

MOP: To be fair, his CDs achieved Gold sales. Or was it Platinum?

LOT: Shhh. Listen. He’s now talking.

MOP: I’m still wondering if his solo CD was better than his time with The Hunks.

LOT: The Hunks have long disbanded. 40% of the team have no careers.

MOP: Shhh. Listen.

LOT: I said that first.

MOP: So Papa P didn’t like being called Papa P, eh? But he just got used to it.

LOT: Like he could do something about it. Besides, it’s become its own brand, that nickname. Do you think there will be a Q&A? Or will this go straight to photo-ops?

MOP: Well, it looks like no one’s going straight! See? They’re beginning the Q&A.

LOT: These questions are so safe. They’re boring.

MOP: They’re so safe, they’re practically time-locked.

LOT: Why even have this presscon if they can just tell us to watch the show for the juicy details?

MOP: As juicy as can possibly be within the bounds of reason and taste, I assume. Because this is, after all, Papa P. And not It Takes Gutz To Be A Gutierrez.

LOT: Not that we should complain. Look at Papa P’s bone structure. It makes me feel mortal. On a side note, I’m curious if he has plans to direct any movies.

MOP: Well, that girl just asked. And there’s his answer.

LOT: He thinks Pinoy celebrities have the advantage over others because our artists can supposedly act, sing, dance, and host.

MOP: Heck, they can even become congressmen and senators.

LOT: Well, not counting the politics, he’s obviously done all of that.

MOP: What do you expect? He’s apparently versatile!

LOT: So what persuaded him to appear in this supposedly no-holds-barred reality feature?

MOP: Well, he’s been in the business for over twenty years. Frankly, he deserves this more than Anne Curtis. But then she probably could buy E! Asia, their friends, and their houses.

LOT: Papa P still has the power to make me panic. I’ll give him that.

MOP: Yes, the kilig factor is still there. Ay! The Q&A is done?

LOT: That’s it? Oh, well, at least there’s a raffle!

MOP: Who cares? I never win these things. Okay, once. Pizza in high school. Okay, twice. Won a TV in my old job. Wait. I won an underwater cam the following year. So what are the chances again, right? So dedma.

LOT: The grand prize is a Samsung Galaxy phone.

(Papa P: Minister of Propaganda… Where is the Minister of Propaganda?)

LOT: That’s you!

MOP: It’s me?

LOT: It’s you!

MOP: OMG! That’s me! He said my name! Binigkas nya ang pangalan ko! Mahal na nya ako!

LOT: I hate you.

MOP: You want to buy it?

LOT: Yes, I’m in dire need of a new phone! How many “gives”?

MOP: Too bad! It’s not for sale. It’s my birthday gift from Papa P. And I don’t even like Samsung much. I’m Steve Jobs’s bitch.

LOT: Do you think he’ll save his number on the phone?

MOP: Hope so. Wait! Is the launch over?

LOT: Your raffle prize ended the launch.

MOP: So I’m the face that ended a thousand launches.

LOT: Look at these giveaways! Nice pillows with Papa P’s face on them. We should get one for the Minister of Teleportation!

MOP: Why?

LOT: He looks like you-know-who! He can take a picture with it, and let’s see if people can tell the difference. The rumors will fly. It will require another tell-all.