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Update: Saffy has recovered fully and is eating twice as much as she used to.

Saffy in her carrier

I’ve just read this inspiring investigative report on the Online Cat-Industrial Complex, and I’m thinking of starting a new career as a feline interpreter. Having lived with cats for 19 years, I have figured out what their facial expressions, sounds, tail positions, ear angles, kneading, poop placement and other nonverbal cues mean.

The other day my calico overlord Saffy, who is 17 and 1/2, started walking around the house yowling. Then I noticed that she was drooling and batting the side of her face. Upon closer inspection, I saw that she had a pained expression while eating. Conclusion: She had a toothache. Saffy’s never been sick, but she’s had teeth extracted twice before, in 2010 and a couple of years ago. So I made an appointment with her vet for Monday morning. The hard part was putting her on a 12-hour fast before her appointment, because Saffy is a master of manipulation. I had to sleep with an eye mask and headphones so as not to see and hear her assortment of “Feed me” demands.

Saffy at the veterinary clinic

The tooth extraction went smoothly, though it took three men to administer the anaesthesia. We were home in a hour, and then Saffy woke up and freaked out because she couldn’t feel her limbs. She staggered around the house until the anaesthetic wore off, and then she devoured a can of Fancy Feast. While wobbling around she belly-flopped into the litter box and tracked bits of poop on the floor, so I had to clean up after her. I recommend living with cats to give humans a sense of proportion. No matter how great you think you are, you have to clean the litter box.

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Jean Cocteau, director of Beauty and the Beast and Orpheus, had a club for cat lovers!