JessicaRulestheUniverse.com

To keep from running amok at boarding gates, I read this poem to myself. Of course if you always fly first or business class, you may not know what we’re going on about.

Thank You for Waiting
by Simon Armitage

At this moment in time we’d like to invite
First Class passengers only to board the
aircraft.

Thank you for waiting. We now extend our
invitation
to Exclusive, Superior, Privilege and
Excelsior members,
followed by Triple, Double and Single
Platinum members,
followed by Gold and Silver Card
members,
followed by Pearl and Coral Club members.
Military personnel in uniform may also
board at this time.

Thank you for waiting. We now invite
Bronze Alliance members and passengers
enrolled
in our Rare Earth Metals Points and
Reward Scheme
to come forward, and thank you for
waiting.

Thank you for waiting. Accredited
Beautiful People
may now board, plus any gentleman
carrying a copy
of this month’s Cigar Aficionado magazine,
plus subscribers
to our Red Diamond, Black Opal or Blue
Garnet promotion.
We also welcome Sapphire, Ruby and
Emerald members
at this time, followed by Amethyst, Onyx,
Obsidian, Jet,
Topaz, and Quartz members. Priority Lane
customers,
Fast Track customers, Chosen Elite customers,
Preferred Access customers, and First
Among Equals customers
may also now board.

On production of a valid receipt travelers of
elegance and style
wearing designer and/or hand-tailored
clothing
to a minimum value of ten thousand U.S.
dollars may now board;
passengers in possession of items of
jewelry
(including wristwatches) with a retail
purchase price
greater than the average annual salary
of a mid-career high school teacher are also
welcome to board.
Also welcome at this time are passengers
talking loudly
into cellphone headsets about recently
completed share deals,
property acquisitions, and aggressive
takeovers,
plus hedge fund managers with proven
track records
in the undermining of small-to-medium-sized ambitions.
Passengers in classes Loam, Chalk, Marl,
and Clay
may also board. Customers who have
purchased
our Dignity or Morning Orchid packages
may now collect their sanitized shell suits
prior to boarding.

Thank you for waiting.
Mediocre passengers are now invited to
board,
followed by passengers lacking business
acumen
or genuine leadership potential, followed by
people
of little or no consequence, followed by
people
operating at a net fiscal loss as people.
Those holding tickets for zones Rust,
Mulch, Cardboard,
Puddle, and Sand might now want to begin
gathering
their tissues and crumbs prior to
embarkation.

Passengers either partially or wholly
dependent on welfare
or kindness: please have your travel
coupons validated
at the Quarantine Desk.

Sweat, Dust, Shoddy, Scurf, Feces, Chaff,
Remnant,
Ash, Pus, Sludge, Clinker, Splinter, and
Soot:
all you people are now free to board.