JessicaRulestheUniverse.com

Photo of Mercury from the National Geographic.

Have been feeling particularly useless since Monday. Nothing like an official confirmation of powerlessness to bring on the gloom. A burst of righteous anger would’ve perked me up, but I’m too tired.

I figured I’d read, sleep, and watch videos until the black cloud passed. (Always bear in mind that the black cloud passes, just keep yourself entertained and wait till it does.)

Yesterday I sent some money to my cleaning lady Linda on Smart Padala. She still can’t come to work, but I’ve been sending her money since March. I don’t have a Smart account, so I sent the funds to my friend, who sent it to Linda’s Smart Padala number. Then I called Linda and told her the funds had been sent, and she could pick up tomorrow.

When I went to bed I had an idea for a story about my powerlessness so I slept soundly.

At 7am my phone rang. My phone never rings at 7am because I put it on silent mode. In fact it was on silent mode so I don’t know why it rang.

It was Linda. She wanted to know if I’d sent the money. I hate being reminded to do something I said I would do. You can check with the various editors who have made the mistake of mentioning my deadline. It is not pleasant.

It was not pleasant, but sleep is my superpower and I went back to sleep until 10am. When I got up, there was a message from Linda at 9am. She can’t read, so she had asked someone to text for her. The text said they needed a reference number to claim the money. In my understanding, Smart was supposed to send her a text saying she had received funds. My friend had sent me the Padala receipt, which I could not forward to Linda because she doesn’t have a smartphone that can accept photos. I know because I gave her that phone. So I copied the reference number and texted it to her, along with the date, time, and amount of the transaction.

An hour later, a text. She needed the reference number.

I said, I already sent you the reference number. Here, I am sending it again.

Fifteen minutes later, she called. She needed the reference number.

I said, I already sent you the reference number. Here, I am sending it again.

You know the energy vampire Colin Robinson on What We Do In The Shadows? He discovered that he can feed on the energy of people online by pissing them off in chat groups and comment sections. I am especially susceptible to being drained of my energy by tech issues. I could feel it starting.

Another text: When did I send it and how much?

I replied: I already texted you the date, time, and amount with the reference number. Then I remembered that she can’t read, so I called her and told her same.

I had not even had my coffee yet.

Then my phone rang. It was the sari-sari store owner. She said she needed the reference number.

I already sent the reference number, I said. Then I read her the numbers. Twice.

She said, Send the receipt.

I said, The receipt is a photo! Do you have a smartphone I can send it to?

Well don’t be angry, the sari-sari store owner said.

I was not angry. I was exhausted, and it was only 11am.

Five minutes later, a text: They had received the reference number.

I called Linda and said, Do not wake me at 7am or the cats will hear about this.

She said the matter had been cleared up.

Then another text: They had not received the Smart Padala.

I called Linda and told her to hand the phone to someone I could talk to. Next some guy was on the line. I had the exact same exchange I had been having all morning. They said it was cleared up.

Then another text: Did I send it to the right number?

I called Linda and told her to hand the phone to the sari-sari store owner. I read her the Smart Padala number and the reference number. Both were correct.

I said, I can email you the receipt.

She said, I have no email. Do you have Facebook?

I do not have Facebook. Fuck Zuckerberg and his spreading the lies that annihilate democracy. Or don’t fuck him ever again, he should go un-fucked for the rest of his life, even by himself.

I said, I don’t have Facebook. Then I ended the call because I was completely drained.

Another text. They said to send the money again, to their Smart Padala number.

Why would I do that when I’ve already sent the money?

When my circulation was normal, I asked Bubbles, who manages my social media, if she could call Linda, talk to the sari-sari store owner, and send her the receipt on Facebook. (Bubbles’s superpower is finding things lost in the ether. The other week she got LBC to deliver a package to an address they claimed they couldn’t find.)

Five minutes later, Bubbles texted that the funds had arrived, it was a system delay.

It’s the Mercury retrograde, Dorski said. My laptop is not working again so I have to take it to the IT department.

Mercury retrograde is what the astrologists call it when the planet Mercury appears to be moving backwards (It’s not actually moving backwards, don’t be a dunce). It’s supposed to screw up communications, transportation, technology.

I said, Dorski, it’s not Mercury, that laptop has been screwy since you got it in January.

True enough, the IT department declared it screwy and replaced it.

Now I need a nap.