Auntie Janey’s Old-Fashioned Agony Column # 2
Here’s Din’s reaction to last week’s column by Auntie Janey: a cartoon by Jules Pfeiffer (It is not truncated, it was drawn that way apparently).
And a reader’s:
# 8 ficklecattle Says: I’m not sure I agree. I think it’s okay for a girl to show some interest as long as it doesn’t cross over to stalker territory. This sounds too much like “The Rules” for me. And not all men who fall for assertive women are douche bags. An unfair generalization I think.
Besides, I think the advice only works on women who are actually beautiful, intelligent, and confident. The homely, mediocre and shy types need to use other tricks.
* * * * *
Here is Auntie Janey’s reply.
Bees only hover over flowers that are out in the field or sitting by an open window. The flowers that sit in the dark corners of the house will wilt without having ever been pollinated or, worse, get only cockroaches or other undesirable vermin crawling all over their lovely petals.
I did say that you, by that I mean women, should not doggedly chase a man, but nobody should stop you from flaunting and spreading your petals. It is the obligation of every flower to put forth her best petal and exude her sweetest scent to get the best bees. Some are born, by our standards, pretty and for some who are not so pretty, you have a lot of work to do. Yes, it is unfair. Some are born rich and most are born poor. The poor ones have to work hard to be rich.
Have you noticed that most of the girls who get the best guys are not really that pretty? What all these girls have in common is self-confidence and self-respect. Their choice of clothes, how they move, how they talk and how they interact with other people reflects their self-esteem. When you are confident, you give off a vibe that you deserve better. And the better bees pick up on this vibe.
Consider my friend, let’s call her Agatha. She was unceremoniously dumped by her long-time boyfriend. One day he just vanished from the face of the earth. Three days later, she got a text message saying that their relationship is over. Of course she was crushed and very, very angry. After a year, she got herself together and she resolved to move on with her life.
She took French lessons, bought an SLR camera and joined a group of photography enthusiasts, took up yoga, went on treks to climb mountains, went jogging, enrolled in a gym, got her own place, and went on field trips. She overhauled her wardrobe, got her hair done, learned how to apply make-up and bought lovely bags and footwear. She did it all for herself and in the process she discovered that she could become better and that she was capable of doing many things. By undergoing a transformation, she was healed and she renewed her confidence in herself. Then the boys came. A whole lot of them. Lawyers, doctors, businessmen, and holders of post-graduate degrees hovered about her.
Someone took her out to a very expensive shabu-shabu dinner and brought her to a resort in Tagaytay the following weekend. Somebody gave her a Persian cat complete with papers, cat food, cat carrier and immunization. A doctor from Bulacan even stalks her at her Makati office and basically follows her around on his days-off from hospital duty. Wherever she goes, men strike up conversations with her. Secretaries try to hook her up with their bosses. All these happened because she invested in herself. She had become valuable.
Women must make themselves valuable. And the more men think that a woman is a worthy prize to be won, the more valuable she becomes. Men only exert themselves to win a prize worthy of their efforts. Men keep and treasure those prizes they worked so hard to get
Whenever I walk around in the mall with Agatha on my arm, I feel proud. I get envious looks from men, some of them married, who think she is my girlfriend. She notices this too and we laugh. A man wants a woman he can be proud of. When Agatha finally chooses a man, I’m sure that that man will be most proud.
To flowers that are still budding in the shade, get yourselves into the sunlight. Dig your roots deep into the earth and absorb all the nourishment that you can get. Spread out your leaves and catch the light of the sun. Take very good care of yourselves. When you are in full bloom, the bees will surely come.
* * * * *
Auntie Janey lives in the 19th century and likes telling people what to do. Auntie Janey is not in a relationship. Do you have a problem for her to chew on? Post it in Comments; bloodcurdling details much appreciated.
Answers to questions you might be asking, unless you wandered onto this site purely by accident >>>
February 10th, 2011 at 09:20
Robert Heinlein had something to say about this, too: “A man does not insist on physical beauty in a woman who builds up his morale. After a while he realizes that she is beautiful — he just hadn’t noticed it at first.” –Lazarus Long
Which is not to say that a woman should pander to a man’s insecurities, only that she not exacerbate them.
February 10th, 2011 at 11:04
Medyo nawindang ako sa fact na na-feature ang aking comment. Hahaha. Anyway.
I’m still not sure I agree. And taking a page from Auntie Janey’s book, I will tell a story:
I have a friend named Agnes. She’s pretty enough (not movie star pretty, but I think enough to be attractive to some men), extremely (repeat, extremely) intelligent, and confident to the hilt. She’s now a very successful lawyer.
Also, she never goes out of her way to attract guys or to show interest. She is interested, since she can’t stop talking to her friends (including me) about her crushes, only she feels that boys should run after her, and that it is their job to do the wooing, and that her only job is to make sure she stays pretty.
She’s pushing 30, and has been single (read: no boyfriend) since birth. She’s still following the same rules about staying pretty etc., and letting the boys do the wooing. I’m not even sure the boys she likes know she exists.
I also work in a law firm, and a lot of the women here are still single precisely because they are too intelligent or confident for most men.
My point: Extremely intelligent and confident girls can be intimidating. Not a lot of boys can handle it. And if you (meaning any woman reading this) are not willing to compromise or to take matters into your own hands; well, it is possible that you will hit the jackpot and the love of your life will find you, but there is also that strong possibility that you will spend the rest of your life alone.
My advice is to take a chance and just tell that boy you like that you like him. Sincerity can also be attractive. All this passive-aggressive drama just seem so old-fashioned to me.
Of course you have to find the proper opportunity to do so, but if all the elements are in place, and when I say elements, I mean it in a general way that would depend on a case per case basis, I don’t see why a woman should not show how she feels, while a man can. Isn’t the ability to be honest and sincere about how you feel also a form of confidence? And the inability to do so also a form of insecurity?
Just my thoughts. I’m also gay, so it is very possible I’m way off base here.
February 10th, 2011 at 13:02
@ficklecattle – From personal experience, I don’t see it as men being intimidated. The question is usually “Is this intelligent confident woman worth the trouble?” or “Is this intelligent confident woman HOT enough?”
February 10th, 2011 at 14:10
@ficklecattle: HEAR HEAR!
February 10th, 2011 at 15:00
That cartoon might have been drawn by me.
Sound advice, Auntie Janey.
February 10th, 2011 at 15:24
Well, “old-fashioned” is right. Although are we sure that Auntie Janey is from the 19th century? The Middle Ages seem more accurate.
Auntie Janey, I have nothing against self-improvement, self-confidence, and self-worth. I do, however, object to putting these things at the service of getting the “best bees” (seriously?) to come over. There’s a reason why those things have the word “self” worked into their names. There are other ways of finding fulfillment in life, which don’t involve someone other than oneself, and which are just as satisfying, if not more so, and which aren’t “obligations” for anyone. The “best bees” can buzz off, or just do each other, which is what they’re wont to do these days (as in the Middle Ages, as well).
Peace!
February 10th, 2011 at 20:11
I think it won’t hurt if a woman does a little flirting. Or rather, master the art of flirting, for the simple reason that guys are incredibly dense. I’m talking supermassive blackhole dense. (If your man can practically read your mind, be wary.)
I’ve often heard women argue against making the first move. “I don’t want him to get interested in me simply because I showed interest in him.”
If a guy is not interested in you, no amount of flirting will get him interested in you. Only a skirt-chasing jackass would pounce on any woman showing interest in him. (Translation: “Yung tipo ng lalake na paldahan lang ang poste, liligawan na”.)
February 10th, 2011 at 22:57
Torn ako.
On one hand, it feels great, beyond words to be pursued. Ang sarap sarap ng feeling! Lalo na if you’re being pursued by someone like Robin Padilla, who I heard treats his leading ladies like a princess.
On the other hand, there are guys who are either shy or lazy or dense and a woman needs to give them a little “push” to take a hint.
Ugh decisions, decisions.
February 10th, 2011 at 23:27
I’m really looking forward to Auntie Janey’s rebuttals to ficklecattle and drewa.
February 11th, 2011 at 02:53
Auntie Janey’s advice applies generally to Western men. Filipino men (gay and straight) are a different specie… at least the “pure” Pinoys ones — born and educated in the Philippines. I don’t know with you, but I’ve been to straight clubs and gay clubs and I rarely, RARELY, see or hear men who actually come up to women. Most of the time, they just stay in their little circles and “projecting.” Filipino men are PEACOCKS.
Now, attracting a man can be quite simple — just sit pretty like a flower. But it takes a different type of woman who, not only attracts the good men, but who also actually gets to KEEP them. Some women marry the good guy… and turn him into either a slobs or a monster. But there are women, who, despite their utter lack of femininity, marry the playboy and turn him into an obedient dog. Case in point: Annabelle Rama.
February 11th, 2011 at 05:48
Men loves a subtle “flirt.” Based on experience, I’ve had four relationships wherein the girl was the one who made “papansin,” by doting on me, or showing interest.
And all four were strong personalities, and I didn’t feel intimidated at all, but EXCITED.
Two were foreign girls and really beautiful and two were Pinays, but all of them were HOT.
If a woman wants a man, and she’s not really a looker, she can compensate by making ‘papansin,” : extra attentive to the man, stirke the first conversation, laugh at his jokes, etc. I tell you, he will notice, and then MAKE THE MOVE.
After he’s done that, the woman should then RESPOND.
Guys, be warned: There are women out there who’s the typical “hele hele bago quiere ,” or will flirt, and then when a man gets interested, she’d play hard to get. FORGET HER, she spells trouble.
February 11th, 2011 at 09:08
Robin Padilla is a somatic narcissist, so there.
February 11th, 2011 at 09:11
yey! pala for Agatha taking very good care of herself.
February 11th, 2011 at 10:03
I, unfortunately, have nothing to offer on this ongoing debate about who makes the first move, because I’ve already made a conscious choice to remain single right now.
That said, I do have a question for our Aunt: What’s the best way to deal with other people’s breakups?
I ask this because I’m the kind of person who tends to be friends with the couple, especially when I’ve known both of them as friends since the very beginning of their courtship – and especially when the relationship becomes something close to long-term. In any case, I’m always the “supportive” friend who lets them vent while I listen to their problems… but even I get the urge sometimes to slap everyone involved and tell them that they should never have let all of this go too far in the first place.
The worst part of it all is when I find out too late that the relationship has actually turned emotionally abusive… and that the person who has been confiding to me all along was, in fact, the real abuser in the relationship. (And the only thing worse than that is watching the couple put up a front to make it look like it’s all cordial between them, even though the truth about their relationship has become the proverbial elephant in the room.)
Am I a doormat for not intervening during these breakups? Or should I gauge my level of support on a case-by-case basis?
February 11th, 2011 at 10:49
I must point out that the grammar in Comments is going straight to hell. Sampling:
“Men
loveslove a subtle flirt.”“Filipino men (gay and straight) are a different
speciespecies.” etc.A little consideration for our moderator, please.
February 11th, 2011 at 11:20
@stellalehua you’re a codependent.
the one confiding in you who later turns out to be the emotional abuser is a narcissist.
February 11th, 2011 at 11:22
@stellalehua stop poking into other people’s business & mind your own!
February 11th, 2011 at 12:01
Ignore my previous response; here’s my actual reply, corrected for grammar.
@Medy: Thanks for your input – but to be clear, I wouldn’t be writing here if I really am meddling in their business.
Besides, I don’t talk to those other friends any more, and I now spend more time with people who aren’t as neurotic. So maybe I didn’t need to ask that question in the first place?
February 11th, 2011 at 12:23
Hello there. Pardon me for belatedly answering your queries. I was out in the garden tending to my roses and ensuring that the rabbits and raccoons have not ruined my cabbage patch. My ancestors who lived in the Middle Ages had it easy. They had scores of peasants to order about. And nobody questioned their will. They were feudal overlords after all. Oh and the gorgeous jewelry and softest furs!
There is nothing tragic and pitiful about a girl who is pushing 30 and who has not yet had a boyfriend since birth. Some girls just have better things to do than dally with boys. But there are a lot of girls who dallied with boys in their maiden days and now they are regretting it. Plus, having a string of past boyfriends is not an achievement but a record of failure. What I want the ladies to learn is how to snag and keep a quality man. The quality of a man is best determined after spending a lot of time with him. And quality is hard to find these days especially when the good ones have become gay.
Extremely confident and intelligent women are not per se intimidating to men. Actually, such qualities are attractive to men, especially men of quality. A woman’s confidence and intelligence can be her greatest asset, or greatest curse. I know a lot of intelligent and pretty women and I can classify them into two groups. The ones who use their intelligence to beguile, charm and enlighten, have boys flocking to their side. Some of them are happily married and are busy popping children out of their bellies. The ones who use their intelligence as weapons and as a means to assert their alleged superiority over others, and these are the ones who are usually bristling with insecurity and who constantly utter the line “I am much smarter than him/her”, are just left alone by boys. As jake.astig aptly asked: “Is this intelligent confident woman worth the trouble?” Most of the time, they are not. Why would one bother to stay around someone who is difficult to be with?
If a man does not notice that you exist. He is not interested. Period. Sure, if you ask him out, he might be flattered and go with you on a date or two. You can even offer him your peach on the first night. Most guys would take that peach. Are you kidding, it’s free! After your free dessert, then what? You follow him around? Make frequent calls asking why he isn’t spending time with you? You will only come off as pathetic and needy – two things that guys abhor in girls.
If you tell a guy that barely knows you that you like him, it will not work. Sincerity is indeed very attractive but that alone does not make a relationship. A girl that I vaguely knew in college once said that she liked me but that did not make her attractive. I felt that an emotional burden was placed on me and I was cornered in an awkward position. I pretended to not have heard it and made some stupid attempts of changing the topic. I was overcome by a need to stay away from her. Honesty and sincerity are very important when you are already in the midst of a relationship. Being honest and sincere can actually get you a guy. But being totally open with your feelings just to get somebody start a relationship with you? Not a chance. It opens you to abuse or you could fall prey to the opportunistic boys.
Being alone is not a terrible thing. Just because you are alone does not mean you are lonely. Some of us need to be with others to go through life. Others are perfectly fine going through life alone. Many married people I know wished they were never married and never had kids. It is a terrible thing to say but it is true. It is better to wait for the jackpot to come along than to spend your life with a crackpot.
The best bees are actually doing each other right now. They are having a grand time doing it in the saunas, toilets and even behind potted plants. And who said that self-improvement, self-confidence, and self-worth should be put at the service of men? What a ridiculous notion! What I said was if you want to have somebody attractive, confident and fulfilled, you should have the same qualities as well. Opposites attract but opposing forces tend to push against each other and one force is bound to be crushed by the other. On the other hand, birds of the same feather flock together and they tend live with each other peacefully.
February 11th, 2011 at 12:31
Oh and ladies. if a man lets you do all the work in the beginning of the relationship, drop him. Not worth your time. A lot of us boys are looking for somebody to take the place of our mothers or are just keeping tabs on who’s laid the most chicks.
Also, a lot of men don’t make any effort these days because women don’t require them to do so anymore.
February 11th, 2011 at 12:45
i had a long time bf of 9 and 1/2 years. we broke up because i was doing too many things — studying french, climbing mountains, traveling all over the philippines, doing volunteer work… but i guess i ended up with a better guy (or several much much better guys) just a few months after the break-up. and now, i’m with a fabulous and cute french guy who is so in-love with me. true story.
do take auntie janey’s advice. it never hurts to improve yourself. and always think that you are doing it for yourself. not just for some guy. ;)
February 11th, 2011 at 12:53
#11 sparky — “If a woman wants a man, and she’s not really a looker, she can compensate by making ‘papansin,” : extra attentive to the man, strike the first conversation, laugh at his jokes, etc. I tell you, he will notice, and then MAKE THE MOVE”
Hmmm, interesting.
Question: What if after all that, the guy is still NOT interested, what should the girl do?