Auntie Janey’s Old-Fashioned Agony Column # 16: Sending signals, a.k.a. Deception and manipulation
Dear Auntie Janey,
I have a mad crush on this guy whom I don’t see very often. As in I only get to see him when our mutual friends have a party. We’ve spoken a few times and I don’t think he’s completely indifferent to me, but how will we get to know each other? I know you disapprove of girls openly pursuing guys, so what kind of signals can I send him?
Distant Admirer
Say it in semaphore
Dear Distant Admirer,
Men have little plans running in their heads and they follow small routines to get them hrough the day. To women, men’s lives are mundane: a little TV here, a small game there, a few drinks with the buddies somewhere. Women complain that men are too focused on one thing and oblivious to others. And when women are attracted to a man who is focused on something, they flutter and preen in order to get noticed by this man—a bright hello, a wide-eyed smile, and for the brainy, witty conversation.
Most of the time these women end up frustrated for although this man responds to their attentions, the response falls very short of their expectations. Men always prioritize their little plans and small routines. They will only allow a woman in their tiny world if that woman will fit in it. Or is interesting enough to make them abandon everything and dedicate their lives to her.
Distant Admirer, if you have seen each other many times and he has not asked for your contact information or gotten it from your mutual friends, he is really not that interested. He might be just friendly. But you must have him! How do you get him to snap out of his world and notice you and you alone?
or hieroglyphics
For those who prize honesty and integrity stop reading now. For the amoral, deceptive and manipulative at heart, hear what I have to say. This advice will help you get the attention of the man you want. However it will not necessarily mean that you will get love. At best you will only get short-term gratification.
If you have heeded my warning, let us begin! (Lightning, thunder, mad cackling)
Before a huntress can ensnare her prey, she should first study her prey’s habits. Know everything about the man. What are his hobbies and interests? What food does he like to eat? Where does he like hanging out? What time does he sleep? What time does he wake up? You must be an all-seeing Artemis (if you do ensnare him, you can no longer refer to yourself as Artemis. Flatter yourself by calling yourself Aphrodite—a goddess you can never fault for being a virgin).
A huntress employs stealth and strategy to capture a wary beast. Never crowd your man. Instead, give him space. Just stay in his periphery. Allow him to get used to seeing you in the background. Secretly follow him around but never let him know that you are tailing him. If you have figured out all of the places he frequents, let him see you there at different times and occasions. Make it seem like your being there was just a coincidence. Be extremely warm and friendly on some occasions and distant and cool on the rest. Do not give them too much attention.
Once they have gotten used to seeing you, talk to them to get to know them better. Establish a semblance of friendship but never appear to be too interested. Make them trust you. To do that you must appear benign. Once they have lowered their guard, make some off-hand comment or gesture that would cause them to wonder—do ordinary friends do that or is there something more between you?
At the outset, you must also project a certain image or quality. Are you demure or a party girl? An intellectual or an outdoorsy girl? Choose one but do not let your man believe that that is all you are. If you chose to appear demure and innocent, occasionally show your wild side. If you are a party girl, occasionally appear shy and secretive. Let them have a general idea of who you supposedly are but let them see a different side of you once in a while. By doing this, you will capture the interest of your man because he thinks there is something more to you that meets the eye. He will find it worthwhile to deviate from his routine and take time to explore you.
To ignite passion, make him jealous. Yes, this is the stuff of afternoon soap operas and Precious Hearts novels. Appear to be very, very interested in another man. Suddenly withdraw your attention from him and feign focusing all your lust on another. Neglect him. Put yourself in situations that make it appear that others desire to have you i.e. surround yourself with other men and be friendly with them.
If you want to further seal the deal, you must deceive your man into believing that you are the only one who can make him light up. To do this, make him feel insecure about himself. Point out what is seemingly wrong with him—he does not go out all that much, he is not well-travelled, his clothes are too drab, etc etc. In a way, mother him. Take him out with you to exciting places and hang-outs. Take him to great restaurants. Accompany him shopping and get him to buy clothes that you think would make him more attractive. Make him feel wonderful whenever he is with you.
Practice insinuation. Insinuate that there is a different pleasure waiting for him if he takes the extra step.
Finally, we all trust people who appear similar to us. The man will definitely be more enamored with you if you reflect his likes and dislikes. You will have to lie to do this.
If you think this method takes too much work and is not in accord with your ideals of honesty, candor and good will, forget it. Do it the old-fashioned way. Wait for the man to make the first move. Period.
Aunt Jane
The opinions expressed in Auntie Janey’s Old-Fashioned Agony Column are those of the agony columnist alone and do not reflect the opinions of the owner and administrator of JessicaRulestheUniverse.com. As with all advice, follow at your own peril.
Would you like Auntie Janey to meddle in your life? Email agoniesforauntiejaney@gmail.com.
Answers to questions you might be asking, unless you wandered onto this site purely by accident >>>
June 8th, 2011 at 08:39
Grabe Auntie Janey, A for effort ha. Well, nobody said it was easy.
This part is my favorite hehe:
“To ignite passion, make him jealous. Yes, this is the stuff of afternoon soap operas and Precious Hearts novels. Appear to be very, very interested in another man. Suddenly withdraw your attention from him and feign focusing all your lust on another. Neglect him. Put yourself in situations that make it appear that others desire to have you i.e. surround yourself with other men and be friendly with them.”
Tricky, very tricky because this requires to be around a lot of men, which in my case is pfft. Good one, Auntie Janey!
June 8th, 2011 at 10:15
lol! follow at your own peril nga. you have been warned. — this is so dangerous kelangang may disclaimer talaga?! may ganon?!
June 8th, 2011 at 10:35
to Distant Admirer: i’d have to say, it might take some time, but this guy will eventually see you for what you really are. unless he’s really, really dumb. but you never know, you might get lucky. he might even fully accept you as the sly, cunning, conniving b*tch that you really are! (i meant that as a compliment)… napasubo na eh… :p
to Auntie Janey: mabuhay ang mga balahura at mapagmarunong na Auntie sa mundo! (i meant that as a compliment too) sana dumami pa ang mga katulad mo sa mundong ibabaw. :)
June 8th, 2011 at 12:03
Don’t hold your breath waiting for this guy. Exploit your resources to maximize getting-to-know face time with him. Exploit shared interests. If you don’t share his interests, express curiosity and tolerance for them.
Above all, be yourself. Any guy worth his salt will be able to see through the tricks.
June 8th, 2011 at 14:16
Sorry if it’s mababaw, but this column reminds me of the Semaphore version of Wuthering Heights: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kqiUGjghlzU
I hope he doesn’t see through you easily though. Being a good actress will help.
June 8th, 2011 at 15:28
i just told a common friend i liked him. he asked me out the next day.
June 8th, 2011 at 15:45
Yup, the most stress-free solution! No acting required.
June 8th, 2011 at 17:08
I did all those to my ex – background research, found out his routine, made him see me frequently, tolerated his interests, had regular communication, went out a couple of times… It was fun. He began bringing me home to his family, making me befriend his neighborhood barkada, his younger sister started treating me like her bestfriend. Everything was perfect. But after a while our story ended. He met someone else, got rid of me and pursued her instead.
Indeed, guys like to do the pursuing, and not the other way around. But hey, Auntie Janey’s advice does work. Just saying… ^^
June 8th, 2011 at 18:56
This is exactly how I snagged my fiance. Yes — familiarity, common interest, mystery, crushing on “the other guy” (fiance even acted as “the bridge”), stroking his ego in the right places — all the right ingredients for the Pursuit of Happiness.
“Once they have lowered their guard, make some off-hand comment or gesture that would cause them to wonder—do ordinary friends do that or is there something more between you?” — right on the nail!
EXCEPT THAT I wasn’t really out to get him in the first place. I remember Tom Hanks once said in an Ellen D. interview on his relationship with wife Rita, “We liked each other at first. The love thing just happened, and stayed.” Like shit, love happens.
June 9th, 2011 at 03:44
No signals for me. I once told this guy that I will totally pursue him if he didn’t have a partner. And it goes a little something like this:
“Alam mo, ipu-pursue talaga kita kung wala kang partner.”
To his face. Of course, we were on our sixth pitcher of Red Horse. What I’m, saying is no signals for the intoxicated. Ahaha!
June 9th, 2011 at 10:01
#10 Momelia — Jackpot hahaha!!! Anong sinabi ng inhibitions sa alcohol hahaha :) Last Friday I was able to tell my friend that her relationship with her girlfriend is unhealthy and she needs to end it. Well, I can still tell it to her face that she has an unhealthy relationship, but because of my new friend, Margarita (all 18 of them!), I was able to add that she had to end it, hehe.
I guess madali lang sabihin ang totoo sa taong gusto mo. Yung mahirap eh yung isasagot niya sa’yo, kung kakayanin mong marinig yun.
June 9th, 2011 at 16:11
I totally agree, Bru. Iinom na natin yan.
June 9th, 2011 at 18:58
Another reason I can’t interact with people: I hate the taste of alcohol, and people look at me funny when I say I don’t drink.