Green Lantern: Bo-Ring!
Fine, I was never a fan of Green Lantern, I think of him as the grown-up version of the Wonder Twins minus the monkey.
It was maybe the most anticipated movie of the (American) summer, but there was only one reason I would watch Green Lantern:
Ryan Reynolds’ body.
It’s ridiculous, it’s amazing, it is its own special effect! We have seen some crap movies for this very reason. That stupid Amityville movie—redeemed only by the vision of Ryan Reynolds chopping wood shirtless. Blade 3—a disappointment mitigated by the sight of Ryan Reynolds shirtless. That movie where Ryan Reynolds is buried in a coffin—we’ve even forgotten the name (Uh. . .Buried?) because even if it was two straight hours of Ryan in closeup, he was not shirtless.
[How could Scarlett Johansson bring herself to divorce this specimen? Well, she says as if the former Mr & Mrs Reynolds were her kapitbahay, that marriage was doomed. She’s worked with Woody Allen, she’s recorded an album of Tom Waits covers—she was predisposed to be unhappy with RRrrrrr. At the very least she would prefer an older guy (She is now reportedly involved with Sean Penn).]
Here’s a ring. It looks like something the mutant Angel coughed up. In the background is a glow-in-the-dark Green Lantern T-shirt. Lesson learned: Do not customize a T-shirt using dull scissors.
Going back to Green Lantern: I had an arrangement with my friends. “When he recites that oath I’m going to the bathroom.”
“The most powerful force in the universe is a lantern??” said Kermit. “It’s so inefficient.” Darna only had to swallow a pebble.
“Never mind inefficient, that oath is bloodcurdling.” The Green Lanterns: the Boy Scouts of the Galaxies.
The most interesting part in the Green Lantern movie is the one where Hal Jordan gets measured for his costume. Interesting because we get to see Ryan Reynolds horizontal and naked, with a white strip over his privates. (Bert: “Disente pala ang mga alien.”) Apparently advanced civilizations have moved on from cloth-based tailoring. The dumbest is the superhero’s first public appearance at a cocktail party where he saves Tim Robbins. (Tim Robbins what are you doing in this movie?? And you, Angela Bassett??)
That’s all I recall of the movie because I slept through much of it. Also I suspect that the 3D glasses are an ad for a cosmetic surgeon because when I put them on over my own glasses I need to have more nose.
Now that’s a ring.
Note: I didn’t even sleep through The Hangover 2, I left after the 20th monkey-giving-blowjob joke. They’d put so much faith in the universal appeal of a monkey that gave blowjobs, they forgot to write a movie.
Answers to questions you might be asking, unless you wandered onto this site purely by accident >>>
June 18th, 2011 at 01:38
wasn’t he the guy from two guys, a girl and a pizza place, shortened to two guys and a girl minus the pizza place?
June 18th, 2011 at 09:03
I thought I wanted to see this for the same reason – RRowrrrr, indeed – and for Peter Sarsgaard playing the ten millionth kontrabida on his film resume, this time under layers of heavy makeup. (Oh, Peter: you broke my gaydar over and over again, before anyone else ever did – pero dead na dead pa rin ako sa iyo, leche ka.)
But then three things convinced me otherwise:
1) THOOOOOOOOOOR;
2) The conversation I had with my cousin after THOOOOOOOOR, where he divulged that my other pretend-BF Nathan Fillion was supposed to play Hal Jordan (yeah, I know… but maybe, hopefully, in a parallel universe?); and
3) Blake Lively’s acting.
That was more than enough.
June 18th, 2011 at 10:56
Ryan Reynolds Aluminum in X-men!
June 18th, 2011 at 13:19
couldn’t agree more, J!
Thought it was worth watching, with all the hype, trailer, special FX and what not.
After the movie, we asked, ANYARE?
June 18th, 2011 at 15:13
ved: Yep. My cousin was also a big fan of the series, and he also finds it amusing that – in the eleven or so years between “Two Guys” and being named Sexiest Man Alive – Ryan still has the same haircut.
June 18th, 2011 at 16:26
Why is it that aside from the Batman and Superman movies, DC seems to be less successful in making films out of its characters than Marvel?
In any case, I suppose I will be watching this for the meat.
June 18th, 2011 at 23:24
For some reason, Ryan Reynolds reminds me of Luis Manzano.
June 19th, 2011 at 01:42
More baffling to me is the fact that this gets made before any Wonder Woman movie.
June 19th, 2011 at 13:17
I haven’t heard a single positive review of Green Lantern. And I’m still watching it because of…(by this time, we all know the ONLY reason for doing so)…Ryan Reynolds. I hated Sandra Bullock in that movie where she and Ryan are naked and run into each other (The Proposal?), and she falls over him literally. GRRR.
June 19th, 2011 at 13:23
I’m sorry, but weren’t the Superman movies pretty lame, too? The early ones had Christopher Reeve but all either amped up the Lois thing too much — she wasn’t all that, had annoying bangs and she couldn’t spell (but at least S2 had the scary Kyptonian troika) — or had bitin fight scenes. The last one had Supe fighting an island. Even Kevin Spacey and Parker Posey couldn’t save it.
June 19th, 2011 at 21:54
I just wonder if there was any truth to the rumor that Brandon Routh’s Supes had to be digitally altered because he filled the tights a bit too well. Mmm.
The Wonder Woman film is in Development Hell, struggling to get finished. There were stills released some time ago, but I forgot who was playing WW.
June 20th, 2011 at 08:59
Ejia: That might have been the proposed Wonder Woman TV series, which was not picked up at all. The name escapes me for the lead, but the costume was fugly (shiny Lycra leggings instead of the Wonder Woman booty shorts? WHAT?) and the wig made the lead actress look like Chyna from the WWE.
Heto siya: http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-K_wEbPlEvB0/TYRqcNjbkhI/AAAAAAAAGFM/_YtQW-wZHwk/s1600/wonder_woman_tv_02.jpg
June 20th, 2011 at 11:53
To be fair, the chosen actress would not have pulled off donning the classic bikini armor.
Come to think of it, WW seems to be a really tough role to cast.
June 21st, 2011 at 00:45
I should have known going into the film that there were more than at least 5 writers involved in the screenplay. That’s usually a troublesome sign.
I had a problem from the get-go with Blake Lively being cast as Carol Ferris. They should’ve casted an actress in her 30s to pull off the take-no-crap-from-anyone kind of woman. I also hated how in one scene, she was hinting…then going all out on how Hal Jordan was afraid, only to contradict herself later on when Parallax arrives and she remarks that he can’t do this.
Oh, and the GL corps looked like a bunch of douches for leaving one of their own to fight Parallax. This was the same entity that killed off a few of their “brothers” earlier on. I guess they didn’t mind that one more could be sacrificed. It left a bad taste in my mouth.
My theory was that there was a Black Lantern planted in the production crew to suck the life out of this film to power their own ring.
June 21st, 2011 at 22:04
When the oath was recited, I told my friend, “‘Charmed’ had better spells in its teleplays.” Course, the reason to watch this kind of drivel is Ryan and his Gluteus Maximus, which deserves to billed in the credits.