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Our 5-year-old niece Kim Jong- Mika is a huge fan of Captain America/Chris Evans, so we’ve been reviewing Chris’s movies to determine if they are appropriate viewing for a child. (Nyahaha that’s what children are for!)

She’s already seen Captain America and The Avengers (and yelled “I love you Captain America!” in the theatre, sorry moviegoers). The two Fantastic Four movies are stupid (We only watched them for the scenes in which the Human Torch reverts to civilian gear…which has been burned off by his transformation!) but innocuous, and we think she can deal with the idea of apocalypse in Sunshine (the Danny Boyle SF movie).

This is a druggie? What’s he addicted to, protein shakes?

Chris is phenomenal in Puncture, based on the true story of an ambulance chaser who takes on Big Pharma and the health care industry. He plays a brilliant drug-addicted lawyer whose life is always two minutes from falling apart—it’s one of those unlikely hero movies.

The problem (and we never thought we’d use the word in this context) is that Chris is still built like Captain America—something we cannot fail to notice as he spends half his screen time walking around in boxers (Cue stampede as readers abandon their screens to find the movie). We don’t believe he’s a junkie. True, there are addicts who seem perfectly healthy, but this is a bit much. An astounding performance is wasted because we can’t see past that body.

Rating: Not appropriate as Mika may stab other kids with toy syringes and she’s a strong girl.

This is your neighbor and you’re looking up your exes??

We’d already seen What’s Your Number, in which Chris plays Anna Faris’s mostly naked promiscuous annoying/adorable neighbor and felt like strangling their respective agents. How could they allow their clients to be in this drivel? The DVD version is still drivel, but much funnier than we remember. Turns out the best jokes were deleted from the theatrical version. Why? Because they were about sex.

You know how it is in this hyper-Catholic country: horrific violence is allowed onscreen, but sex is verboten. Which is weird because given the population growth—unchecked at the insistence of the church—what do you think people are doing? They can’t be praying for Jessica Sanchez to win American Idol 24 hours a day. Is that the point of the church’s resistance to the reproductive health bill: to produce more people of Filipino descent who can get into American Idol?

Rating: Not appropriate as the child might lace her vocabulary with expletives and get expelled from the first grade, for which her parents will blame us. But it is funnier, more entertaining, and contains more Chris Evans than the version we watched.

Next we’re accompanying Mika to a toy store to decide which action figures are appropriate for a child her age…

Our niece also likes Thor/Chris Hemsworth. We’re not taking her to see Snow White and the Huntsman because she’s going to yell at the screen. However: excuse to review all his movies (as if we needed one)!