JessicaRulestheUniverse.com

Saffy’s interests include ancient history and shredding cardboard boxes.

As I am writing a History of the World from the felid perspective, my human thought it would amuse me to watch the History Channel show, Ancient Aliens. This is a show in which quacks proponents of ancient astronaut theories trundle out “evidence” that extraterrestrials have visited the earth and played a role in human history, especially architecture. The classic text—hihihihihi, excuse me. The classic text in this field is Erich von Daniken’s Chariots of the Gods; the author himself appears wearing a hairpiece of paleoarchaeological interest.

Now I have no problem with scientists—hihihihihi, excuse me—claiming that visitors from other planets hung around this one. It would be nice to find intelligent life out there, provided they don’t eat us or make us worship Tom Cruise. We can all use new vacation destinations, and I can’t wait to see what extraterrestrial materials can be used as kitty litter. However, I find that much of the, uh, logic behind these ancient alien theories goes like this.

“Human beings could not have made that themselves. Therefore, aliens!”

Now I happen to like humans—they bother to produce thousands of varieties and flavors of cat food. But humans as a species are deeply insecure, and I say this as one who takes advantage of these insecurities—I don’t like this brand! You are a bad cat parent!

The “experts” on Ancient Aliens are always saying, “These pyramids are too complicated, they surely had help from aliens.” Or, “Why would they bother to build such a complicated thing to look at the sky if they weren’t for looking at the aliens’ home planets?” I’ll tell you why humans look at the sky: Because it’s there! They spend incredible amounts of time and energy on endeavors that seem foolish—because they dream!

That “zoo hypothesis” that says aliens haven’t made contact because humans are too primitive or stupid—come on. Granted, people have done spectacularly dumbass things throughout history, but why so glum? Human insecurity is the root of the most idiotic chapters in your history, and if you want to know more you should wait for my book.

Anyway Ancient Aliens keeps bringing up the pyramids in Egypt and how the Egyptians couldn’t possibly have constructed them using technology they had at the time. Here’s a preview of my book: You know how the Egyptians built the Pyramids? Toxo!

If you read this website regularly then you’ve heard of Toxoplasma gondii, a clever little parasite that lives in cats’ digestive systems and comes out in our poop. The toxo gets into mice and rewires their brains so they actually get excited when they smell cats. So the mice get really brave and foolhardy, and they approach us when they should be scurrying away. Well studies show that toxo also affects humans—it makes them feel invincible!

You know there were lots of cats in ancient Egypt so the Egyptians probably had toxo. And when the Pharaoh said, “Let’s build these massive structures that are too complicated for our existing technology,” they all said, “Sure!”

And that’s how the pyramids were built.