The winner of the LitWit Challenge: The Universe is a library is…
From our Book of Writing Backwards: Excerpt from the Bene Gesserit Manual in Dune. (In silver ink, hard to read.)
allancarreon: Good work and properly weird, although we wonder why you would portray a haven of books as…that place, and the practice of writing as a form of torment. Conflicted! Horror stories are all about atmosphere, even if the location seems ordinary.
“Behind him, a doppelganger of the man had appeared and was now following Annie closely…” could be made creepier. Don’t say “doppelganger”, describe it. “Suddenly there were two of him, and one was shadowing Annie…”
You are not eligible for the prize as you are the Keymaster of the Social Media Propaganda Ministry.
Helvatica123: Great concept, execution not bad, though this is more a concept paper than an actual story. Grammar and usage need a little work, but nothing the spelling and grammar checking function on Word can’t fix. We like the way you casually let the readers know what the books are made of without hitting us over the head with the information. The nonchalant tone adds to the horror when it sinks in. Keep on writing, we want to see more.
Momelia: Thank you for that tale of real-life horror. Apparently if you ask people to write stories set in libraries, they come up with visions of hell. This is more a diary entry than a story, but you clearly enjoyed writing it, and the bit about the bacon getting Facebook likes could be developed. In fact you could expand this into a story about a character who can’t move until her Facebook friends have affirmed her decision with 200 likes. We’d like to read that.
Check out the short stories of Saki, you’d love him. Sweet and nasty. “Children are given us to discourage our better emotions.”
lois: We have not read The Book Thief but we gather this is inspired by that. Good effort, and we like its ambitious scale. The execution needs work: you explain everything at least thrice and you overdo the dramatic description. However your plot is interesting, and with continued practice you will learn to “hear” yourself. The ability to self-edit comes with time.
joyeah: There’s a fascinating Twilight Zone-ish story in here, but you have buried it under a lot of adjectives and overwrought descriptive passages. It’s a mess. It might be useful to do an outline for this, with short profiles of the characters, and rewrite it. Try writing it in chronological order first, then when you’ve worked out your plot, you can do your structural experiment.
aspiringwriter29: Listen to yourself. “The potentially perpetual grim looming over the spectacle I have for a visage is now all but perpetual.” All that verbal writhing, just to say “The grimace is fixed on my face.” This piece is overwritten, the prose so purple it is overripe eggplant. You’re trying to write in a high, formal style before you have even figured out how to write a clear sentence. Since you’re writing about angels and demons, why not read the Old Testament, esp. Genesis and Exodus, King James Version? The sentences are short, unadorned yet powerful. None of this lurid stuff.
The winner of The Universe is a Library LitWit Challenge is Helvatica123. Congratulations! Post your full name and email address in Comments (It won’t be published) and the elves will tell you how to claim your prize.
Answers to questions you might be asking, unless you wandered onto this site purely by accident >>>
April 24th, 2014 at 06:51
Thanks, Jessica – especially for the feedback since I was planning to revise this for a collection in the future (once I have enough ideas for more horror shorts). In hindsight, you’re right; I probably implied that a haven of books is… that place, though that wasn’t the intent. It was more of a “punishment fits the scene of their greatest sin” concept. I’ll see if I should clear that up or leave it ambiguous.
I did like Helvetica123’s entry, too. I agree it reads like a concept paper as opposed to a story with more “movement,” but I think the approach does add to the atmosphere of the piece. I wouldn’t mind seeing that world “expanded” and finding out more about this line of Librarians (without taking away their mystique).
April 24th, 2014 at 11:42
allancarreon: Then there’s Rupert Giles. Always loved the idea of Librarians as Watchers.
April 24th, 2014 at 15:05
Oh man, Helva. You will soon be in possession of everybody in here’s most coveted set. And, unlike everybody, you got it for the piece you wrote. For free. I could strangle you now, in spirit, but what you wrote made me moist, in parts, so I best stop here before I erupt in a volcanic tantrum.
Jaaazzz keeeddeeeengg! Congratulations Helva! Muahness from Pasig Cirrehhh! :)
April 24th, 2014 at 16:00
Jessica: agree! One of the best aspects of Buffy is the acknowledgement that knowledge is a powerful tool in the war against evil. A great metaphor to promote knowledge and kill ignorance. Reading books and researching in the library was a very positive thing they included which Whedon deserves credit for.
April 24th, 2014 at 18:30
allancarreon: I agree; it does work best with horror. I’ve been experimenting on different ways to write short stories, and in some modern collections and flash fiction I’ve noticed an emergence of this descriptive, dialogue-less style. A good example (and my base inspiration for my fic) was Neil Gaiman’s Don’t Ask Jack.
I thought your story was well-written. I could picture it clearly in my head, which is always great. Was Loren seeing ghost!Annie even before she died or was it just a preliminary vision? I find that watching back-to-back episodes of the NBC series Hannibal helps create good ideas for horror stories (and nightmares.)
To anyone interested in answering, why has bacon been featured in two fics? Is it just that cosmically good?
April 24th, 2014 at 19:25
Thank you for the advice, Miss Jessica! It’s a lot of help and I would try my best to improve.
April 24th, 2014 at 21:01
Helvatica123: This “descriptive, dialogue-less style” is not some newly-emerged form. It existed BEFORE dialogue, in the proto-science fiction of the 19th century, and probably its finest exemplar is Jorge Luis Borges. Look him up.
Don’t get cocky. Read more, avoid lapses in grammar, and try to find richer, more complex sources than television shows that are overdependent on production design. Look up H.P. Lovecraft, M.R. James, Shirley Jackson.
P.S. The TV series True Detective is inspired by the work of Robert W. Chambers, particularly The King In Yellow, available at Project Gutenberg.
April 24th, 2014 at 21:17
joyeah: Check out the early story collections of Stephen King (Different Seasons, Skeleton Crew), and read The Lottery by Shirley Jackson twice.
April 24th, 2014 at 21:35
Helvatica123: bacon is the universal language. I could probably write a story just about bacon, then have a throbbing nape after.
Regarding your Loren question, I haven’t really thought about where the, ummm, scenery change happened since that story ended up in a different place than what I originally intended. But sometimes, it just happens when you write that the words take you elsewhere unexpected.
I agree Lovecraft is a good source for horror (I haven’t read the other two that Jessica mentioned, so now I have two new authors to hunt down). A good volume of Lovecraft stories is Necronomicon, a copy of which I found last year in Fully Booked Eastwood. The price was a steal for a fairly thick hardbound glorious edition. See pics in the link below. I’m not sure they still have copies, though; it was the only one at that time. But if you come across it, go for it.
https://twitter.com/axelcarlisle/status/378778970293944320
https://twitter.com/axelcarlisle/status/378779099138777089
By the way, I featured your win on Babel’s social media accounts. Check it out if you haven’t.
April 24th, 2014 at 21:37
Momelia: *offers neck* Please do. I’ve got spares.
I love your writing because it looked so organic and effortless. Do you ever find yoursef self-censoring?
jessicazafra: Apologies if it sounded like I was bragging. Thank you so much for the reading suggestions. It’s difficult to find weird horror fiction in libraries over here, so the internet’s a blessing. I will do my very best to improve. :)
April 24th, 2014 at 22:02
Helvatica123: Naah, it’s how we get people to finish manuscripts. We got the idea from Zero Dark 30. First, torture them. Then offer them a sandwich. Very effective. All writers need a combination of praise and condemnation. Determining the mixture is the trick.
P.S. Given that levels of ability differ wildly, “your very best” means nothing. Don’t declare intentions, just work.
April 25th, 2014 at 11:52
Thank you for the feedback Miss Jessica. Yes, it is inspired by the book thief. This is my first time to write a short story, so, I hope I will get more tips from you on how I can better “hear” myself.
Thank you very much.