JessicaRulestheUniverse.com

My new favorite shirt Spoilt. Contains spoilers. Thanks, Mark., originally uploaded by 160507.

If you write movie reviews, you hope that one of two things will happen every time you see a movie. One, that the movie is very good, so you can devote a whole column to explaining how it works, or two, that it is very bad, so you can devote a whole column to mocking it. It’s the mediocrities that are of no use to me.

Therefore I am pleased to report that The Other Boleyn Girl (You pronounce it ‘Bullen’) is awful!! It’s like a Tudor teen Dynasty with bad accents. I can’t deny that it’s fun to see history reduced to a soap opera, but other than Henry VIII being king and divorcing Catherine to marry Anne Boleyn, I wouldn’t believe anything in the movie. I remember that when Shekar Kapoor’s first Elizabeth movie opened, Ted my publisher was spitting nails over its historical inaccuracies. Someone get the tasers ready.

So the ambitious Boleyn at the urging of his brother-in-law the Duke of Norfolk pimps his daughter Anne to Henry VIII, who goes for her sister Mary instead. But Anne the scheming wench manages to steal Henry from the good-hearted Mary. Catfight! Vamping! Batted eyelashes! Cleavage and bad acting all around. Still, this movie will appeal to the following demographics:

1. Those who find Eric Bana hot, i.e. 85 percent of everyone I know, plus myself.
2. Those who find Jim Sturgess hot, i.e. Across The Universe fans, esp. Kermit.
3. Those who find Natalie Portman hot, i.e. Star Wars fans and the pervs who watched Leon twenty times.
4. Those who find Scarlett Johansson hot, i.e. males of the species.