JessicaRulestheUniverse.com

Etang Discher is second from the right.

Read our column at InterAksyon.com. Meanwhile, enjoy this video combining two of our obsessions.

Sounds like Azarenka. (That is not tennis-watching kittens behavior but kittens fascinated by laser pointer behavior.)

We had tea at TWG, that new place inside Greenbelt 5.

– It’s very pretty.
– Cluttered.
– Flattering lighting and shiny wooden shelves. Could use some books.
– The staff seem self-conscious. Relax, it’s just tea.
– Expensive tea.
– Lovely silver and crockery. Wonder if someone is assigned to do nothing but polish the silver.
– The linens are nice too.
– They certainly have a lot of tea varieties. (To wait staff) We’ll share a pot of tea.
Waitress: Sorry, we don’t allow sharing.
– But tea is a social event.
Waitress (after conferring with someone): We’ll allow it this once.
– The tables are too close together. How can you be snooty if you’re all smooshed together?
– I know, we can’t discuss anything really interesting.
– Maybe the point is to make friends with other tea drinkers?
– Something tells me there won’t be many unescorted straight guys to introduce ourselves to.

Pot of tea from Php195, pair of muffins with clotted cream and jam on the side, Php150.

– (Tea arrives) How is your tea?
– Hmmm…uhhh…tastes like Lipton.
– This one’s good. Red chocolate tea from South Africa. It’s red and…chocolatey.
– There are no tea leaves in the pot. You can’t ask them to add hot water.
– So you have to order another pot.
– Maybe that’s how it’s done in Singapore.
Waitress: How is your tea?
– Well…
Waitress: Oh, really? (goes to next table)
– But I hadn’t said anything yet.
– Must be psychic.

Here’s a much more intriguing story about tea: Tea by the alarming Saki (H.H. Munro).

We graduated from grade school eons ago, but we’re no different from kids who feel melancholy at the end of a holiday. Aargh, the humans have returned to our city, which was so pleasant and restful with half its population away. With the humans come traffic, noise, smog, aggravation and thoughts of violence. Ugh the Xmas shopping season is almost upon us, and you know that brings out the worst in people.

Director Jeffrey Jeturian and production designer/art director/make-up artist/hairstylist/visual artist Jay Lozada.

The last day of the long holiday was also our friend Jeffrey Jeturian’s birthday. Attendance is mandatory at Jeffrey’s birthday dinners; we hardly see him the rest of the year as he is shooting his TV series. He is so busy shooting his TV series he hasn’t made a movie since Bisperas last year.

We suggested My Kitchen (at The Oasis Boutique Hotel beside Paco Park, Manila) because we keep hearing about how great the food is but have never eaten there.

We left the menu to Jay, who had no compunction about ordering red meat, cholesterol, calories and all the wicked things that make food so delicious. Dinner started with Chef Chris’s famous panizza

You can roll up arugula, roasted peppers and whatnot in the long strips of panizza, which seemed like a lot of effort to us so we ate the panizza by itself. Mmm mmmm mmmmm.

Then we had spaghetti with fresh salmon, dorado, snapper, prawns, mussels, sauteed with olive oil, tomatoes, olives and capers. Followed by this white truffle oil-infused parmesan risotto with salmon fillet, prawn tails, broccoli, mushroom and asparagus. Nnnnggg mmmpph.

When the food is this good you can dispense with vowels. Grilled home-made Italian sausage with caramelized garlic in red wine sauce, with lentejas and golden fried potatoes. Wwwww fffff.

And Snake River Farms American Kobe: wagyu outside skirt with rosemary garlic marinade on baked potatoes, olive-oil roasted carrots, pumpkin and broccoli. Bbbbbb gggggg rrrrrh.

At which point we ditched the picture-taking to concentrate on eating. So no photos of the whole slow-roasted chicken or the fantastic lemon and lime cheesecake or the decadent chocolate cake.

Our post-holiday melancholia had turned into naked satisfaction.

Happy Birthday, Jeffrey!

We know exactly three places at Maul of Asia: the IMAX theatre, Uniqlo, and Sebastian’s. Last Saturday we were at MOA for a movie premiere and we took a detour through the ice cream parlor. Our favorite flavor is Once In A Blue Moon: blue cheese ice cream served with honey and walnuts (Php140). Yeah, we love our kesong may amag (Mmmm stinky cheese, corpse cheese, stuff that smells like something dead). This blue cheese ice cream is sharp, but not blue enough to scare off non-fans. You have to try it.

Our friend had the Mangga’t Suman ice cream, which tastes exactly like…mangga at suman! We haven’t had the Manggang Hilaw with Bagoong ice cream, but we love the concept.

After the movie we crossed the ocean of traffic to get to Teresita’s of San Fernando on Tomas Morato corner Scout de Guia in Quezon City. Yes, we live in Makati, went to MOA for the movie, and then went all the way to QC for a very late dinner. And it was worth it! The taxi fare cost us more than dinner.

Teresita’s is descended from the famous Razon’s Halo-Halo of San Fernando. We had the embutido (Php105 with rice), which is excellent, and the kare-kare (Php105 with rice), which is heavenly. The kare-kare is thick and gooey—it’s like drinking peanut butter. You have to eat lots of rice with it to soak up the viscosity from the roof of your mouth. As Noel puts it, Best 105 pesos we’ve ever spent on food. In fact we’re just about ready to crown it Best Kare-Kare, unless you have other nominees.

After the main course we drank hot tea and took a 15-minute recess from eating. Then we had dessert: the famous halo-halo with langka (Php95). It’s the finely-shaved ice that makes the difference. Best Halo-Halo.

So for Php200, you can have a full meal that is exponentially more delicious than fast food cardboard. Our memory of Teresita’s kare-kare was so intense, we hardly ate anything the next day—we could still taste that peanut buttery goodness.

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The Quattro Formaggi Story

A diner ordered a four-cheese pizza at a restaurant, and when it arrived she freaked out. She berated the waiters, shouted at the kitchen, demanded to speak to the owner. The owner arrived and asked the diner what her problem was. “I ordered the quattro formaggi pizza!” the diner yelled, “And they served this!” She indicated the pizza on the table. It looked exactly like…a quattro formaggi pizza.

“May I ask what’s wrong with it?” the owner said.

“Can’t you see?” the dinner shrieked. “Look at that! May amag ang cheese ninyo! (Your cheese is moldy.)”

It was Gorgonzola. Of course it was blue.

“My child was going to eat that!” the dinner went on, horrified. “I’m not paying for that!”

The owner told the furious diner that the meal was on the house so she would go away.

Torta Limone by Carlo Estagle. Who needs a bouquet? Walk down the aisle carrying this.

Our guest Carlo the pastry chef loves cake, but more than that he loves looooove. Why don’t you love him? Why? Why?

(Carlo has approved this message.)

Episode 6 of the weekly podcast is here. Listen, download, subscribe on iTunes.

Grand Cru Truffle Torte by Carlo Estagle, a.k.a. Death, Resurrection and Death Again by Chocolate

* * * * *

The winner of last week’s podcast quiz is alex. Congratulations!

Update: Alex, you or your rep can pick up your prize at the Customer Service counter of National Bookstore at Power Plant, Rockwell, Makati.

The prize for this week’s podcast quiz is this stack of books:

A well-known French novel that was made into a movie, a guide to etiquette by the great-grandson of Emily Post, and the blockbuster erotic fiction trilogy. Because sex and cake go together. Yes we sneer at those books, but don’t you want to see what you’re sneering at? Afterwards, since it’s been called “mommy porn”, we dare you to give the set to your mom.

Just one question, essay-type: In Carlo’s world, what is the connection between pastry and love?

Optional bonus questions for readers who want to increase their chance of winning: Do you think you and Carlo would be happy together? For how long?

Thanks to National Bookstore for the books. Post your answers in Comments.

We saw the PETA production of Bona last Sunday with Manny and Ren. We were told to come early—the only tickets left for the sold-out shows were balcony, free seating—so we decided to grab a bite nearby.

As we were unfamiliar with the dining options in the neighborhood, we landed at a Chinese restaurant chain that has fallen on hard times (Not Ma Mon Luk, which we still love). The waiter turned on the airconditioning as we took our seats, which should’ve been our cue to flee, but fond childhood memories of their dimsum kept us in our seats. Our beloved tausa pau (black bean) siopao had vanished from the menu so we ordered asado pao and siomai.

While we waited for our orders a cockroach crawled onto our ankle—another cue to flee, which we also ignored. (It was raining, we didn’t want to be late for the play.) We killed the cockroach before our friends could scream. Have we mentioned that we are the ipis slayer? We believe in squishing them with extreme prejudice. (The other PETA is welcome to write us on behalf of cockroach rights.) Ren asked the waiter very politely to take away the liquefied corpse. The waiter did this without comment.

The asado pao was steamed into goo, the hot sour soup Manny ordered was sweet, and Ren’s fish fillet with bean curd must’ve been microwaved on high because it was hot enough to vaporize your tongue. The portions were generous but given the food quality was this a positive? One got the distinct impression that a gang had broken into the restaurant then decided to keep it running.

After the play, which we enjoyed very much (All resemblance to Lino Brocka’s Bona are almost purely coincidental; this is not a dramatization but a reworking. It’s a comedy, and the acting makes it work. Review later. Watch it!), we walked to the parking lot at the nearby church and noted that there was a bath house and gay bar across the street, very convenient for the guilt-ridden.

Our default late night restaurant is Old Swiss Inn (at Somerset beside the Pen), where the chocolate fondue banished the memory of the gooey siopao, sweet soup and friendly insects. This midnight snack was spiced up by the conversation from another table, which began with the words “Anal stimulation is a very controversial topic” and moved on to erectile function and the urethra. We don’t think it was a convention of urologists, but the vocabulary was very refined.

When we got home we got a message from a friend who suddenly remembered that near the PETA theatre is Teresita’s of San Fernando, where “the kare-kare and halo-halo are to die for, best Php200 I’ve ever spent on food”. Argh.