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Do you want the Zombadings bag with the matching Awaaard! filmfest button? You can have one if you’re proficient in Baklese or gay lingo. Some people still call it swardspeak, though gay men have long ceased to be called “sward”. They have returned the term to gardening, where its original meaning is “an expanse of short grass”.

Here’s an example of a translation: from the writers of Bubble Gang in 2007, Bahay Kubo in Baklese. As its speakers know, Baklese is a dynamic, swiftly-evolving language that incorporates elements not only from other languages such as Tagalog, English, Visayan, but from a variety of fields and disciplines.

For instance, Friedrich Nietzsche is not someone we usually associate with gay culture, but he may have contributed to the language. He titled his autobiography Ecce Homo, after the words uttered by Pontius Pilate in the Vulgate Bible. “Ecce homo” led to “Etching” or “Etchos” as in “Ano na namang etching yan?” which was later shortened into “Chos” as in “Ang salitang yan ay nanggaling pa sa may-akda ng Thus Spake Zarathustra. Chos!”

Now for the exercise. The French author Raymond Queneau wrote Exercises in Style—99 variations on one unremarkable story, told in a variety of styles. Below are three of these variations. Translate them into Baklese, bearing in mind that they all tell the same story but require different ways of telling.

We are using the translation by Barbara Wright.
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Anderson Cooper says it’s bad to describe something, say, electric cars as “gay”.

“I was sitting in a movie theater over the weekend,” he said during an Ellen guest appearance, “and there was a preview of a movie, and in it, the actor said, ‘that’s so gay,’ and I was shocked that not only that they put it in the movie, but that they put that in the preview, they thought that it was okay to put that in a preview for the movie to get people to go and see it.

“I just find those words, those terms, we’ve got to do something to make those words unacceptable cause those words are hurting kids. Someone else I talked to recently said that the words people use and the things people say about other kids online, it enters into their internal dialogue. And when you’re a kid, it can change the way you see yourself and the way you think about yourself, and the worth that you give to yourself…”

Ergo it is bad to describe CNN anchors as gay even when we mean happy. Oh, Anderson. Mahal ka pa naman namin. You should come to Manila. We say “Ang bakla!” and “Hoy, bakla” all the time. To girls.

The full story in HuffPost.

For years and I mean years I’ve been after Danton Remoto to write an official essential dictionary of gayspeak. “Oh yes,” he always says, “the GayDic. We’re working on it.”

“You’ve been working on it for years,” I point out.

“But my co-author wants it to have the proper research, citations, bibliography. . .”

“Tigilan ako ng academic ek,” I say. “The thing is to put it out as quickly as possible because gayspeak is so dynamic, it changes constantly, by the time your book is in stores its contents will be dated.”

“I know, I know. . .” Then he runs for public office. Still no official dictionary of gayspeak.

And now the straight guys have beaten him to it.

True, the subject is technically showbiz lingo and not gayspeak, but who do you think invents the stuff? It’s like jazz, all riffs.

And it’s not a dictionary, but a collection of ruminations on contemporary language (riffs on riffs).

And the author is Jose F. Lacaba a.k.a Ka Pete of Days of Disquiet, Nights of Rage, Mga Kagila-gilalas na Pakikipagsapalaran, the screenplays of Bayan Ko: Kapit Sa Patalim, Sister Stella L and others, and the Showbiz Lengua column in Yes! magazine.

Ka Pete ponders the etymology and usage of taray, kikay, krung-krung, carry-carry, kaposh, and other “words that usually have no dictionary existence” that have crept into everyday Filipino speech anyway.

You need this book to explain why we sound like this today.

Showbiz Lengua: Chika & Chismax about Chuvachuchu is available at National Bookstores, P295. Or you could win a copy in this week’s LitWit Challenge. Category: Best story written in gayspeak.

Dinner at Ambeth’s is always an intellectually satisfying experience. One picks up so many fascinating bits of information—most of it useless, but fun to repeat. There was the time we spent hours poring over a scholarly dictionary in Pilipino, looking for the definitions of common obscenities. Tonight’s discussion leaned towards the esoteric.

– In Thai the word for “ambassador” is khantoot.
– What’s the term for highest-ranking ambassador then?
– We went to a dinner where a delicious catfish dish was served, and when I referred to it as “hito” our host said, “Sssh! Don’t say that! Say “heto” instead.” Over there “hito” is genitalia.
– When I was in New Zealand our guide pointed to a blackbird and said, “That’s a common bird in these parts. It’s called pukeko.” I told him, “Never ever say that word in the Philippines.”
– Then what happened?
– He brought us to a town called Te Puke.
– New Zealand’s beautiful. In Tauranga they showed us some Maori games. “This is a titi torea. It is a long stick. It requires hand-to-eye coordination.”
– How do you keep from bursting into laughter?
– You choke it back up your nose.
– That’s probably why you have nasal polyps.

Quezon City police director Chief Superintendent Benjardi Mantele gestures as he presents some of the confiscated ‘double dead’ meat during a press briefing at Camp Karingal yesterday. BOY SANTOS. Philstar, 22 Sept 2010.

Continuing our discussion of how we have adapted the English language to suit our requirements:

“Double dead”. Diseased deceased livestock butchered and sold as fresh meat. (They only die twice.)

“Holdupper”. Someone who commits a holdup/armed robbery.

“Carnapper.” Someone who steals a car.

“I’ll tell you to the teacher.” Literal translation of “Isusumbong kita sa teacher.”

“Standby” or Istambay. One who stands around doing nothing; a bum. Derived from “on standby”—waiting to be deployed.

“You stop that or I’ll throw you this!” Yaya scolding her charge at the supermarket.

I remembered our favorite commentator on language, William Safire. I googled him. He died a year ago on September 27.

In Emotional Weather Report, today in the Philippine Star.

If the judge-inquisitor had been The Baldwin, Alec, instead of the lesser sibling, our answer would be:

“None whatsoever since we are perfect, but the biggest mistake you ever made was marrying Kim Basinger instead of us. By the way, we actually love you more now that you’re fat.”