JessicaRulestheUniverse.com

This magnificent fountain pen is mine, Mine, MINE! (Maniacal laughter.) Perfect for writing imperial decrees and death warrants. In red ink! And it matches my swords. Thanks, Ricky.

I’m speaking at the Second Access Philippine English Language Conference at the Manila International Book Fair on September 16 from 1pm to 3.30pm at the SMX convention center. The conference is organized by the British Council and Anvil Publishing. Pop in.

From the programme: “Dr. Judy Ick will discuss the coming of English to Philippine shores as integral to American colonial policy as democracy, the public school system and public health and sanitation. From the Thomasites, American public school teachers deployed to the territory in 1900, Filipinos learned the language that became the medium of instruction and the country’s official language up to the present. Not only was American literature taught, literary writing in English was formally introduced too. In a century and a decade, it has become our own English and is now considered one of the many Philippine languages.

“Dr. Jose Dalisay, Jr. and Jessica Zafra will talk about their experience of, and relationship with, English as their medium for writing. Coming from different generations, they will share their training in English and awareness of it as their language for writing. They will give their take on writing in a second language, or in an English that is their own and first language.”

Whenever I encounter instances of bad grammar in the mass media I feel like enamel is being ripped off my teeth. This insistence on grammatical correctness may be finicky and old-fashioned, but I am finicky and old, and it’s a little late for me to follow fashion.

Consider this polemic against the presidential sister, television host, product endorser and publicist of her own personal dramas, Kris Aquino. Our corrections are in boldface.

We do not take issue with the content or diction, only the basic grammar. We enjoy reading the writer (Oy pare, I did mention this) and the site; for now we will attribute these lapses to the rush to meet deadlines.

“Only three definite things in this world: death, taxes, and a Kris Aquino controversy.

“In the second to the last week Two weeks before the inauguration, her name came up in appeared on the front pages of newspapers, allegedly for having a hand in trying selecting the next senate president for alleged interference in the selection of the next Senate President. She was reportedly calling up senators one by one to support Sen. Francis Pangilinan. One of the candidates for the post, Franklin Drilon, admitted that he—a Cory loyalist through and through—was deeply hurt. A The week after that… kaboom! She will would not be eclipsed by her elder brother’s shindig. And she will never understand the real joys and values (Did you mean virtues?) of privacy. . .” etcetera

I do have a small suggestion: If you want someone to shut up, stop talking about her. The reason some people feel compelled to live out their dramas in public is because the general public is obviously interested in hearing about them. If nobody gave a shit, no amount of media exposure could make them national talking points. If the ratings are low, the networks would stop paying attention. Then they would be yelling in a vacuum.

Admit it: You are fascinated. Revulsion is also a kind of fascination.

The quarry is a soft target, but with massive resources and many allies. You need to be mentally sharp for this, and that includes your grammar.

The owl and the pussycat went to sea if at all, in a beautiful pea green boat. They took some honey, if at all, and plenty of money wrapped up in a five-pound note, if at all.

As long as we’re noticing the speech patterns of politicians:

Which Philippine politician constantly uses the phrase “if at all”?

And I mean often enough to merit if at all rehab. If at all.

Do you know who it is, if at all?

Is “If at all” the new “At this point in time” if at all?

If at all, post your answer!

Tick tock tick tock tick tock. . .

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1018. We have one wrong answer and one correct answer if at all. Pay attention if at all, people, these are your leaders if at all.

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1800. I am so disappointed. Clearly you don’t listen, if at all. Hell I don’t listen, but I couldn’t fail to notice the constant repetition. If at all, you need to go back to your listening comprehension exercises. The answer is Chiz Escudero. If you google “Chiz Escudero if at all” you will see samples of what I’m talking about. If at all.

Roger Federer on the tram in Lisbon with kids. Photo from www.rogerfederer.com. I want that shirt. Anyone reading this in Estoril?

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This is for our friend Tennis Mike the stress bunny. Thanks to Ricky for the alert and the Germans for having a word for everything.

The Germans have always been good at coming up with words for those emotions we all feel but don’t have a name for: schadenfreude, for example, or angst. “Freizeitstresse” is the latest, a term that literally translates as “free-time stress”.

Millions of us, apparently, worry about whether we spend our spare time wisely. A consequence of feeling that we have so little of it is that we agonise over what we do with our precious, unscheduled hours. Do you feel that you have to achieve something even in your leisure time? On holiday, does simply doing nothing make you feel uncomfortable and twitchy? Have you ever spoilt your Saturday afternoon by worrying about whether you should be doing something imaginative with the kids or at a yoga class by yourself while you’re pounding the supermarket aisles? Freizeitstresse could be your problem.. . .Read the full article at the Times Online.

I issue a limited number of direct compliments every year; I prefer to give backhanded compliments, or as the good people of Merriam-Webster call them, complisults. Complisults can be twisted and retwisted to suit your nefarious purposes, but direct compliments you have to stand by.

Recently I referred to someone as a Hubbell, and to my distress they have no idea what I meant. Bad enough you make a compliment at all, but to have to explain it? Then it occurred to me that the ungrateful recipient might not have gay Streisand-loving friends to enlighten him. Not everyone is as lucky as I am (Sometimes days pass before I speak to another heterosexual. I should form a party list for marginalized heteros).

So for the record, this is a Hubbell. From the 1973 Sydney Pollack movie The Way We Were, Robert Redford as Hubbell.

The Hubbell is not to be confused with The Clooney

who thrives on irony,

or The Baldwin. In the Jane Austen-Amy Heckerling classic Clueless, a Baldwin meant this.

Since then, the Baldwin has evolved into this:

Portly, angry, but hilarious and therefore still hot.

I hope this clears up any confusion.

Book illustration for The Once and Future King by Michal Lisowski.

Every year I read T.H. White’s magnificent retelling of the Arthurian epic The Once and Future King, then I resolve to look up fewmets and never get around to it. Fortunately a reader put the question to The Straight Dope and I am now enlightened.

So fewmets are to deer as tath is to cattle, spraints to otters, crotiles to hares and billitting to foxes. We’re talking about animal droppings; they have specific names. Bonus words you can use in business meetings: jumentous (smells like horse urine) and shardborn (born in dung).

The Straight Dope on the nomenclature of animal droppings.