JessicaRulestheUniverse.com

“Once a joke or a cautionary tale, today gold-digging is being offered as a viable career choice for women, viewed with a new regard, even glamour. High-end cosmetics line Laura Mercier has launched The Gold Digger Collection this summer so we can all look like one. Walk down the local high street and you’re likely to see a young woman in a T-shirt proclaiming “Golddigga”, or, for those who prefer a more formal approach, “Hello, My Name is Gold Digger”. You can purchase T-shirts online that say “Sugar Daddy”, “I Love My Sugar Daddy”, “Wanted: Sugar Daddy. Please Submit Bank Details Upon Application”. This is supposed to be ironic, but would these same women wear a T-shirt emblazoned with “Prostitute”?”

Sarah Churchwell on Material Girls in The Guardian.

Ernie and Grungella are sitting in a coffee shop late Saturday night when they sense a disturbance in The Force. As if magnetized, they turn to the next table, where they behold a stunning sight: an extremely good-looking teenage boy, a Young Clooney, having a latte with his friends.

Grungella: Extraordinary.
Ernie: Spectacular.
Grungella: Ach, pedophilia.
Ernie: Too old to attract pedophiles they are.

The Young Clooney’s table is joined by another extremely good-looking teenage boy hobbling on crutches, probably a sports injury.

Ernie: Consider Young Pitt joining Young Clooney.
Grungella: Consider not. Gawk. Or gawk not. There is no consider.
Ernie: More handsome is Young Clooney, yet sympathy Young Pitt generates.
Grungella: Are the crutches an equalizer?
Ernie: Oh yes. I sprained my arm once. Never got so many pick-up lines as when I was wearing a sling.

A quarter of an hour later, Young Clooney and Company leave, and the table is taken over by yet another good-looking teenage boy and his friends.

Grungella: In another galaxy we definitely are.
Ernie: Not nearly as handsome as the earlier ones is this new arrival, yet totally confident he is.
Grungella: Just an ass he would be if ugly he were.
Ernie: Fair life is not.

Today. Lunchtime. The Mandarin cafe/jungle in Gateway.

Grungella: Why’d you break up with your boyfriend?

Grover: He said he was commitment-phobic.

Guy Smiley: You should’ve said you were breakup-phobic!

Grover: It wasn’t a huge surprise. He did say at the start that he wasn’t ready for a relationship.

Grungella: That’s what my last one said, too! But I never listen because I believe that an exception should be made in my case.

The Count: I ran into my ex. He used to be buff, but now he’s fat.

Everyone: That’s wonderful!Good for you!

The Count: A purely sexual relationship is really the best kind.

Kermit: But what about love?

Grover: I thought you were looking for a boyfriend, I didn’t know you were looking for romance.

From ScienceNOW Daily News: “Talk about “gaydar.” In just a fraction of a second, people can accurately judge the sexual orientation of other individuals by glancing at their faces, according to new research. The finding builds on the growing theory that the subconscious mind detects and probably guides much more of human behavior than is realized.”

Romantic attraction works just as fast. You CAN tell in milliseconds whether you are likely to have a thing with someone. Seems irrational not to mention unfair, but it’s true. From empirical evidence collected over the years, I’ve concluded that if there is no instantaneous attraction/spontaneous combustion between two individuals, it’s not going to work. But that’s just me.

Ricky goes to a music store to look for a CD.

Ricky: Do you have the album by Feist?
Salesperson: Yes sir, the Sfice Girls.

Here’s a serious topic: Who was your first crush? I thought mine was Parker Stevenson of The Hardy Boys, but that was in a giggly, “Let’s braid each other’s hair” way. The crush who actually triggered puberty was Warren Beatty, whom I saw on TV in Splendor In The Grass. I had already seen a couple of Woody Allen movies by then, and I said, “Oy.”

My gay friends’ first crushes were: Matthew Laborteaux in Little House On The Prairie, a seatmate in the second grade, Joe Hardy of The Hardy Boys—the fictional character but not Shaun Cassidy, Shaun Cassidy, the guy in James At 15, and Johnny and Scott of Sigmund and The Sea Monsters, except that we couldn’t remember which one was Johnny and which one was Scott. Then Carlo remembered that he had a crush on Gulliver in the cartoon series The Adventures Of Gulliver (only loosely based on Jonathan Swift’s opus), and it turns out we all had a crush on Gulliver. Making a cartoon character everybody’s first crush.

“Didn’t he have a love interest in that cartoon?” Ricky asked. “A tiny Lilliputian girl? What was her name?”

“Flirtatia,” I said. “You know, I worried about that relationship. I mean, how were they supposed to even kiss?”

“Me too!” everyone cried.

Later someone walked past the restaurant carrying a tiny dog and Noel asked, “What happens if a Doberman mates with a teacup chihuahua?” And everyone chorused: “Gulliver”.

Our first crush explains A Lot.

“In Lust in Translation, Pamela Druckerman romps through ten countries in search of statistics and stories from the philandering class. Her quest to understand “the rules of infidelity from Tokyo to Tennesee” began while reporting for the Wall Street Journal in Argentina, where she was casually propositioned by a slew of married men. . .”

Hmm, there’s no chapter on the Philippines. I think we should address that lack. Got any stories? Post them. Don’t use real names. Maybe we can get a book out of this.

Some weeks ago Tina alerted me to this classic Craigslist exchange on the economics of mating. It’s kind of like Lola Edith Wharton or Lola Henry James, minus the subtlety and layers of meaning. Marriage is an economic issue; I’ll make my own money, thanks. With the weak dollar, $500k is not what it used to be. I don’t hang out with any open gold-diggers (I knew one who married another gold-digger so imagine their great joy), but the guy who answered the post sounds like many of my friends, give or take a decimal place.

This was an actual post from the Craigslist website with an actual response from someone who seems to be an investment banker. The exchange, which has been forwarded many times through email, was written about in the New York Times. The guy was discovered to be a top manager in one of the world’s leading investment firms. The identity of the woman has not been revealed.

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THE POSTED LISTING

What am I doing wrong?

Okay, I’m tired of beating around the bush. I’m a beautiful (spectacularly beautiful) 25 year old girl. I’m articulate and classy. I’m not from New York. I’m looking to get married to a guy who makes at least half a million a year. I know how that sounds, but keep in mind that a million a year is middle class in New York City, so I don’t think I’m overreaching at all.

Are there any guys who make 500K or more on this board? Any wives? Could you send me some tips? I dated a business man who makes average around 200 - 250. But that’s where I seem to hit a roadblock. 250,000 won’t get me to central park west. I know a woman in my yoga class who was married to an investment banker and lives in Tribeca, and she’s not as pretty as I am, nor is she a great genius. So what is she doing right? How do I get to her level? (Continued)