JessicaRulestheUniverse.com

I don’t watch TV at home—I don’t need the 24-hour news networks to remind me that the world’s going to hell in a handbasket. There’s nothing like being extremely up to date on current events to make one feel powerless. If the news is really vital, someone will text it to me. Like, “The good news is, the ransom for Ces Drilon has been paid and she will be freed. The bad news is, the 10M will be passed on to Meralco consumers as a systems loss charge.” I’m happy Ces is free; I’m not happy that politicians are using her release for their tawdry propaganda.

When I’m not at home I watch the BBC. Taliban prison break, massive flooding in Iowa, the energy crisis, the food crisis, Mozambicans setting themselves on fire in South Africa—talk about feeling powerless. Yeah, I know reducing my carbon footprint will help in the long run, but that makes me feel virtuous, not powerful. I can’t even yell, “Hey Luca, the goal is over there!”

The Hong Kong news post-flood is about the fear of a bird flu outbreak. HK magazine ran a hilarious piece called 28 Chickens Later. “Day 17: Faced with a dearth of safe eateries, people flock to fast food outlets in the conviction that whatever they’re serving, it can’t be chicken.”

One rainy afternoon I thought I’d go to the Peninsula for tea. On the sidewalk outside the hotel, I saw a dead bird, its wings outstretched. Maybe it wasn’t dead, just tired out after a long squawk or pining for the fjords. Maybe it crashed into a building. Maybe a cat jumped it. But the first thought that popped into my head was “Bird flu!” and I walked away very fast.

Bonus question: Some historians believe that Alexander the Great was stricken with West Nile virus or malaria, poisoned by enemies, or unwittingly made to OD by his own physicians. But the histories say that just before Alexander became fatally ill, he saw birds falling out of the sky in great numbers. Any chance it was bird flu that got him?

I’m in Room 1826 at the Amari Watergate on Petchburi Road in Bangkok, a 5-star hotel surrounded by shopping malls, furnished with a huge bed, a flatscreen TV, and a bathtub with three rubber duckies. Very nice, but I have a strange feeling I’m being bugged so I whisper “I am not a crook” into the orchids, which are everywhere.

As luck would have it, nearly all the Muppets are in Bangkok for work-related stuff. I just missed Bert, but Ernie and I met up last night and Cookie Monster and Telly are arriving on Friday. At 11 all the hotel restaurants were closed except for Henry Bean’s American Bar and Grill, where Ernie had to explain what an extra-thick milkshake is, but they got it right.

A band took the stage, and the big shock was that it was not Pinoy. Their first song was Achy Breaky Heart, and I immediately had the urge to confess that I ordered the wiretaps. The male vocalist pronounced it “Eight-chee breaky heart”. The female vocalist was from what we call the Teena Marie school of singing: she skips most of the consonants. For example, the Alicia Keys song If I Ain’t Got You goes like this: “Sapeeyowaaneeooh/Baaahdowannaeeeaaooooh”. The male vocalist sang a song that sounded oddly familiar, but as he stressed odd syllables, only towards the end did I recognize it as something by R.E.M.

The one advantage of having been an American colony: Our cover bands could rule the bars of the world. (As Ernie put it, “Kayang-kaya yan nung banda sa Binalot.”) Or even take over established bands–look at Journey. I shall add this to my plan for World Domination.

In a previous post, Plan O from Inner Space, Blythe noted that Oishi does not identify itself as a Filipino brand. This response from Oishi in Shanghai:

“Hi, I am Emily Fenix of Liwayway (China), based in Shanghai. We have an ongoing promo in China, for 100 winners to get a trip to Boracay. See our China website: www.oishi.com.cn. We have featured Boracay and Bohol separately, in our TV commercials.

“China labeling laws prohibit mention of non-China addresses.

“Thanks, Blythe, for your interest. I would presume you were or are based in China.”

Bad news, good news. The bad news is that my basic plan for world domination—send out Pinay maids to raise the next generation as Pinoys—will not work in China. The Chinese government frowns upon the “importation” of Filipino domestic helpers and nannies, as this takes employment away from the local nannies called ayis. Smart move. It’s not just to protect local labor, I think; they know the importance of being raised in one’s own culture. I mean, they don’t have a culture that’s thrived thousands of years for nothing. There are some Pinay maids working in China, but most of them are employed by expats.

The good news is that the bestselling line of snacks in China is Oishi, a Filipino brand. Oishi is manufactured by Liwayway Co., which began in Manila in 1946 as Liwayway Gawgaw. According to my source, Oishi has 10 percent of the huge Chinese snack food market; given the competition, this is enough to take the number one ranking. According to an extremely cheerful Chinese volunteer, Oishi snacks were handed out free at her school, so everyone became habituated to the chips and whatnot. There are Oishi products that aren’t even available in the Philippines yet, such as the grilled mushroom, the sweet and spicy, and the tomato ketchup-flavored potato chips in cans. (Although it must be noted that the truly Pinoy flavor would be banana ketchup.) As my sister, who consumed mass quantities of Bread Pan during her pregnancy, will attest, Oishi snacks can be quite addictive. Perhaps addictive enough to compensate for the absence of Pinay domestics in China. . .

I’ve posted the original draft of my Theory of World Domination as it appeared in TODAY newspaper on 24 November 1994. If you’re doing work on the theory, remember to credit the source.

First, you find the Pinoy. One of the basic tenets of my World Domination Theory is that nearly every famous/influential/rich person on earth has a Filipino in their employ. (If you are not familiar with World Domination Theory, you can look it up in Twisted #1 or Flip #1.)

On a recent visit to New York City, a Filipino student got into an elevator in an apartment building and was promptly addressed by the elevator man. “Pilipino ka?” said the elevator man. “Oho,” said the student.

“Wanna meet Anne Hathaway, star of The Devil Wears Prada?” said the elevator man. No preamble necessary—we Pinoys know what really matters.

“Yes,” said the student. The elevator man then introduced her to Anne Hathaway’s Pinay maid, who told her to come back the following afternoon. “Can I bring a friend?” asked the student. “Of course,” said the maid.

The following day the student appeared at the building with not one but seven Pinoy friends. Hey, we like to travel in groups. The student thought that they would catch a glimpse of Anne Hathaway from the kitchen. However, when she and her seven friends rang the bell, Ms Hathaway herself opened the door. A tea party was in progress, and Ms Hathaway graciously invited them to join the other guests.

So the Filipino student and her companions ended up having tea with the star of The Princess Diaries and Brokeback Mountain. She even poured the tea herself. After the tea party, the Pinoys got into the elevator, and the elevator man said, “Now do you want to meet Nicolas Cage?”