JessicaRulestheUniverse.com

Bad news, good news. The bad news is that my basic plan for world domination—send out Pinay maids to raise the next generation as Pinoys—will not work in China. The Chinese government frowns upon the “importation” of Filipino domestic helpers and nannies, as this takes employment away from the local nannies called ayis. Smart move. It’s not just to protect local labor, I think; they know the importance of being raised in one’s own culture. I mean, they don’t have a culture that’s thrived thousands of years for nothing. There are some Pinay maids working in China, but most of them are employed by expats.

The good news is that the bestselling line of snacks in China is Oishi, a Filipino brand. Oishi is manufactured by Liwayway Co., which began in Manila in 1946 as Liwayway Gawgaw. According to my source, Oishi has 10 percent of the huge Chinese snack food market; given the competition, this is enough to take the number one ranking. According to an extremely cheerful Chinese volunteer, Oishi snacks were handed out free at her school, so everyone became habituated to the chips and whatnot. There are Oishi products that aren’t even available in the Philippines yet, such as the grilled mushroom, the sweet and spicy, and the tomato ketchup-flavored potato chips in cans. (Although it must be noted that the truly Pinoy flavor would be banana ketchup.) As my sister, who consumed mass quantities of Bread Pan during her pregnancy, will attest, Oishi snacks can be quite addictive. Perhaps addictive enough to compensate for the absence of Pinay domestics in China. . .

Interesting piece in the NYT: Can the Cellphone Help End Global Poverty? by Sara Corbett. Interesting newish career: user anthropologist.

Alright, if you only read the previous excerpt you may have gotten the wrong impression, so I’ve digested the article for you. The point being that cellphones, like most technology, may be put to the most stupid uses, but they are beneficial.

“In an increasingly transitory world, the cellphone is becoming the one fixed piece of our identity. Having a call-back number is having a fixed identity point, which, inside of populations that are constantly on the move — displaced by war, floods, drought or faltering economies — can be immensely valuable both as a means of keeping in touch with home communities and as a business tool.”

Cellphones “have an economizing effect”–for instance, you don’t have to waste time waiting at a designated time and place, you can coordinate with each other incrementally. “Even the smallest improvements in efficiency could reshape the global economy in ways that we are just beginning to understand.”

“Something that’s mostly a convenience booster for those of us with a full complement of technology at our disposal can be a life-saver to someone with fewer ways to access information.”

The cellphone has the “ability to increase people’s productivity and well-being, mostly because of the simple fact that they can be reached.”

“Mobile banking (GCash is cited as an example) will bring huge numbers of previously excluded people into the formal economy quickly, simply because the latent demand for such services is so great, especially among the rural poor.”

Communication is “quite viable as a fundamental right. The phone represents what people are aspiring to.”

I want a cellphone that’s a tricorder and a phaser.

Kermit the human RSS feed showed us a video he found on the Internet of a French guy who has achieved total self-sufficiency. How shall I put this delicately? The appendage was of sufficient length as to allow subject to vacuum himself with very minimal contortion.
Bert: Wow, he’s cute And French.

Ernie: But he doesn’t need anyone.

Big Bird: He has nice eyes.

Grungella: That’s what you notice about this anatomical wonder? His eyes?

Big Bird: Do we have to watch this?

Everyone: Yes.

Big Bird: But there’s a lady present!

Grungella: The only lady here is you.

Bert: That’s Big Bird. He’s half-manang, half-manyak.

Kermit: Question. Technically that guy (in the video) is having sex with a guy. Does that make him gay?

Ernie: No, because it’s with himself.

Later I put this conundrum to Cookie Monster.

Cookie Monster: No, but it makes him a cannibal. He’s eating his own children.

Grungella: What are you, a Vatican fundamentalist?

Cookie Monster: Who’s that guy in Greek mythology who swallowed his own children?

Grungella: Cronos. Hey, nerdiness Is contagious!

Koosi in the kitchen, originally uploaded by 160507.

Happy Birthday to my eldest cat Koosi, who adopted me in 1999. I found her sitting in a patch of sunlight on the sidewalk in front of the Today office while cars and buses roared by. My sister named her after the imaginary friend in Dexter’s Laboratory. Koosi is the most antisocial cat in the house, preferring to hang out on the tops of bookshelves and cabinets. When she deigns to come down she announces her presence by biting my toes. Her favorite pastime these days is people-watching from the living room window. She thinks she is invisible.

If after seeing No Country For Old Men your reaction was “Huh?!” rest assured that that is the point. Insofar as the Coens’ movie has a point. Which it doesn’t necessarily have. Whatever. No Movie For The Incurious, in Emotional Weather Report today in the Star. If you haven’t seen the movie, which is now showing at Greenbelt 3 and Glorietta 4, do not, I repeat, do not read the column, as it contains many spoilers. Watch the movie, which really must be seen on the big screen for the cinematography and for Josh Brolin at maximum tallness, because we just realized Barbra’s stepson is hot even with that hair. Of course strange hair is a hallmark of the Coens’ work, and it reaches its apex with Anton Chigurh’s.

I’ve posted the original draft of my Theory of World Domination as it appeared in TODAY newspaper on 24 November 1994. If you’re doing work on the theory, remember to credit the source.