JessicaRulestheUniverse.com

At Slate, Hart Seely has compiled actual statements made by the Republican VP nominee. Behold this sample, from her ABC News interview.

You are a cynic. 
Because show me where
I have ever said 
That there’s absolute proof 
That nothing that man
Has ever conducted 
Or engaged in,
Has had any effect, 
Or no effect, 
On climate change.

I’m. . .I’m stunned.

Raymond Lee did not thank us in his Urian acceptance speech, the little wretch. After we art-directed him and drafted several acceptance speeches, viz:

“I would like to thank the following people: (say their names). The following people would like to thank me: (Say their names. Hold up trophy, which looks like a metal shaft with a stone (panghilod) at the bottom.) This trophy is for me.”

“I wish to thank Carlo, Noel, and Jessica for nothing. Which in Taoist philosophy means everything.”

“My friends say only a gay person could make such a beautiful film. This is proof that. . .(trail off).”

Fortunately we met the fabulous Mailes Kanapi (she plays Ina Feleo’s friend the hotel chambermaid in Endo, and stars in My Fake American Accent) at the alleged after-party and she said that if she wins an award, we can accept it for her. Then we counted the heterosexual male population at the party, and minus the manager and staff, the total was one.

At the CCP I was approached by a woman who asked me what I thought of the awards night. I said it was long and stretches of it were boring. She looked surprised, so it’s just as well I didn’t tell her that host Butch Francisco’s patter made me wish I owned some high-heeled stilettos so I could hurl them onstage heel-first. Isn’t it unfortunate that critics who can tell you exactly what works in a movie can’t put together a brisk and entertaining awards show? Or at least see that it’s not working out, and job it out to someone who knows what to do? Then the woman said, But you like Hollywood movies better than Tagalog movies. I said No and walked away before she could misinterpret anything else.

Q. Why do people bother to ask questions when they think they already know the answers? A. So they can accuse you of inauthenticity/being antipatika (which I’m not saying I’m not).

Is your sex life nonexistent? Maybe you’re wearing polyester pants. Dr. Ahmed Shafik of Egypt conducted an experiment on the effects of polyester on sexual activity. He took 75 laboratory rats and made them wear pants for a year. Some wore slacks in natural fibers such as cotton or wool; the rest wore synthetic materials like polyester or poly-cotton blends. The result: the rats in polyester or poly-cotton blends had significantly less sex than the rats wearing cotton or wool pants. Dr. Shafik believes that this is because polyester sets up electrostatic fields in and around the genitals. I suspect the lab rats didn’t want to risk setting themselves on fire. Also, how often did they change? Maybe rats don’t want to bonk rats whose slacks are so last season. Or the rats in polyester also happened to be the most boring, least attractive, and never picked up the check.

What I really want to know is, were the rats’ pants drawstring or zippered? Button-fly or velcro like stripper pants? Because if Dr. Shafik trained 75 rats to put pants on and take them off, there could be a Nobel Prize there. Incidentally, Dr. Shafik was nominated for a Nobel Prize. His studies are self-funded, so no one can complain about how science grants are handed out.

Here’s an excerpt from Mary Roach’s new book Bonk: The Curious Coupling of Science and Sex. Her previous books include Stiff: The Curious Life of Human Cadavers, and Spook: Science Tackles the Afterlife. While researching Bonk, she convinced her husband to have sex inside an MRI machine. That’s commitment.

The band had just started playing “Ligaya” when the guy in front of me started sending out text messages. Whoever you are, I’m sorry I read your messages but I couldn’t help it, your phone was in my face. His message read, “Pare nasa Fort kami ang galing galing ng Eheads concert the best!” (We’re at the Fort the Eheads concert is great!) This is not how he spelled it, I just can’t remember txt. Then he sent it to everyone in his directory—I know because the names appeared on the screen one by one, in alphabetical order, as the message was sent. He even sent it to his mom, which was sweet, although I don’t know how she’d like being called “Pare”.

Our indefatigable texter then received a reply on his phone. It said: “Hus dis?” Ow! I wish I hadn’t seen that—it’s embarrassing to get a “Who’s this?” reply, especially when you’re sharing your feelings of great joy and one-ness with the world. Yes, names vanish from phonebooks and systems get glitchy, but nobody wants an existential crisis via text. Fortunately our new non-acquaintance was made of stern stuff. He immediately fired off this reply: “Ex-boyfriend ni xxxxx.” Again, that’s kind of sweet, staying in touch with the friends of your ex. Or creepy. In the information age, privacy is virtually impossible: you can’t hide anything, and you can’t avoid anything.

Emotional Weather Report, Fridays and Sundays in the Star.

Accepting his Gawad Urian Lifetime Achievement Award, filmmaker Kidlat Tahimik marched to the stage wearing a cap and toga, no pants, humming the graduation march from Aida. Then he performed a funny piece about filmmaking and the battle between art and money. Then he took off the toga to reveal an Igorot G-string, and danced around the stage while banging a gong.

Not quite the ass we were hoping to see, but give it to the man. He made the much younger indies look staid and conventional.

Rustom Padilla appeared in drag to present the award for Best Actor. He was gorgeous. I have pictures, I’ll upload them later. Our one complaint was that he was wearing tall hair, a dramatic pink top, and pants. Why stop at the waist? He would’ve killed in an evening gown.

Emilio Garcia won the Best Supporting Actor Award for his role in Selda. Accepting the trophy, he reminisced about how he and his director Paolo Villaluna went to a filmfest in Montreal. They didn’t have much money, so they had a cheap meal at a Chinese restaurant. “Pero kakaibang talong ang kinain natin (But that was an unusual eggplant we ate),” he said, prompting shrieks from the audience.

The winners:
Best Picture: Tirador
Best Director: Brilliante Mendoza for Tirador
Best Actor: (tie) Jason Abalos for Endo and Sid Lucero for Selda
Best Actress: Cherry Pie Picache for Foster Child
Best Screenplay: Jade Castro, Michiko Yamamoto, Raymond Lee for Endo

Carlo, Noel, and I have invited ourselves to the Gawad Urian awards night tonight at the CCP. Some friends of ours have been nominated, and whether they care to have one or not they shall find themselves with an entourage. A well-dressed and styled entourage, because we’ve decided to behave as if we ourselves were nominees. Noel and I are going to the salon to have our hair done—between us we have enough hair to clog every drain in the metropolitan Manila area. (Carlo has the logistical advantage of being bald.) I’ll even wear a proper dress, which many shall interpret as a sign of the Apocalypse. (For the record, the true omen is high heels, and let me assure you that you needn’t worry about the sky raining frogs tonight. Unless it actually rains frogs.)

Full report to follow. I’d live-blog the event, but I’m not sure there’s wi-fi at the CCP Little Theatre. Yes, the Little Theatre—apparently the awards night is not big enough to merit the Main Theatre. I heard it won’t be televised, either, because the nominees are all indie movies, hence there are no big stars. Hey, if you’re nominated and you can’t make it to the ceremonies, you can get us to accept the award on your behalf (if you win)! When your name is called, the three of us will stand up and walk solemnly to the stage. The script:

Me: On behalf of (name), we decline this award because the ceremonies are not televised.

Carlo: But on behalf of etiquette, we accept this award even if no one is watching.

Noel: Then again we don’t care one way or another, so on behalf of indifference, we’ll take it.

Let me know.