JessicaRulestheUniverse.com

Personal blog of Jessica Zafra, author of The Collected Stories and the Twisted series
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Archive for December, 2008

Now that’s a wedgie.

December 18, 2008 By: jessicazafra Category: Traveling 1 Comment →

We’ve all heard variations on The Story of the Fat Man Who Flushed the Airline Toilet While He Was Still Seated. This is the variation I heard, and my sources (I heard it from at least three people) swear it really happened.

Not too long ago, a gentleman weighing about 300 pounds was on a flight from Manila to the US (or the US to Manila) when he had to use the toilet. When he finished, he made the unfortunate mistake of hitting the flush before he had stood up. This caused his sizable derriere to get sucked into the toilet, wedging him into the seat. He tried to pry himself out, to no avail. Worse, his guts were getting pulled downwards, causing who knows what internal damage. The stuck man was too embarrassed to hit the emergency button—like most people he did not want to be caught with his pants down and his ass wedged in the toilet. But excruciating physical pain trumps vanity, so he summoned the flight attendant. She tried to pull him out, by herself then with the aid of another flight attendant, but he was really and truly stuck. The man’s situation—colon being hoovered, danger of unscheduled neutering—was dangerous enough for the plane to make an emergency landing at the nearest airport. There the toilet was removed and the trapped man rescued.

Garrison Keillor’s recent thoughts on what must be a fairly common occurrence.

“Throw a shoe at me once, shame on you. . .”

December 17, 2008 By: jessicazafra Category: Clothing 4 Comments →

At 23/6, Jon Friedman has some questions for the Secret Service.

1. Shouldn’t you have jumped in front of that shoe?
2. Shouldn’t you have jumped in front of that second shoe?
3. Second shoe = the one thrown after being removed from foot after first shoe was thrown.
4. Let’s say people had three feet. Would you have allowed a third shoe to fly unimpeded?

Keep reading.


It wasn’t this shoe.

I prefer the John Cale.

December 17, 2008 By: jessicazafra Category: Music 5 Comments →

Twenty-four years after Leonard Cohen first recorded the song, “Hallelujah” is about to hit the number one and two spots on the British charts. On the same week. Just not by the great Cohen. One is a new version by X-Factor winner Alexandra Burke, the other the 1997 rendition by the late Jeff Buckley. I myself prefer John Cale’s version, which appeared in the Leonard Cohen tribute album I’m Your Fan. The Rufus Wainwright and k.d. lang covers have their own adherents.

But Leonard Cohen on the pop charts in any way, shape or form! Amaaazing.

Lazy fat cat yoga (Updated)

December 17, 2008 By: jessicazafra Category: Cats No Comments →

Bert gave me a set of postcards featuring cats doing yoga. “Clearly the wonders of Photoshop,” I snorted, “Or hallucinogens.” I cannot imagine cats following directions. Even if they were inclined to play along, they would consider it an affront to their dignity.

Still, I began trying to coax my cats into doing the contortions. Koosi, the eldest, would have none of it. This look says, “How dare you walk around with your head higher than mine.” Then she bit my toes.

Saffy assumes vaguely yogic positions when she is trying to reach spots on her back. She spends several hours a day grooming herself. Not only is she excessively well-groomed, but for someone coated in her own drool, she smells like freshly-baked bread.

Mat often thinks he is human and prefers to lie on his back.

When Mat was still living outdoors he would come in for meals and naps on the couch. After a couple of hours, he would indicate that he wanted to go out by pushing against the front door with his head. This is how he got the nickname “Grond”, after the fearsome wolf’s head battering ram that the orcs use to break down the gates of Minas Tirith in The Return Of The King. Mat lives entirely indoors now, and when he hears the chant of “Grond! Grond! Grond!” he runs to the room and lies down.

Do your cats strike funny poses? Email their photos to urban.matthias@gmail.com. Best Pose wins a copy of How To Live With A Neurotic Cat.

*****

Our yogi in training:


Maximus


Lala


Sandra


Sonchai


Tinay


Boogie


KayCee


Mela


Mimi


Mimiw


Tonton


Cathy


Charlie


Chichi


Kyo


Mushy


Naruto


Ohfudgegravity


Snowie


Tabzy


Toru


Chairman Meow


Muning & Mary

These late entrants didn’t make the deadline:


Muymuy


Figaro

One thing I know about people with cats: they take too many pictures. Send more.

Shelf Lives

December 16, 2008 By: jessicazafra Category: Books 10 Comments →

Time for the annual round-up. Our designated readers list their favorite books of 2008 (they need not have been published in 2008).

Reader: Me
Early reading: The Old Testament, Nancy Drew

Netherland by Joseph O’Neill. John Updike, Don DeLillo, Ian McEwan, many literary luminaries have tried to write the 9/11 novel, and this one outshines them all. A great American novel, by an Irish barrister.

The Brief Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao by Junot Diaz. Makes you realize that more than shared colonial histories, more than the diaspora, it is geekiness that binds us.

Child 44 by Tom Rob Smith. A policeman hunts down a serial killer in Stalinist Russia, where to say that crime exists is to question the State, and to question the State gets you thrown into the gulag.

Young Stalin by Simon Sebag-Montefiore. Are monsters born or created? Josef Stalin is one fascinating monster.

The Black Swan by Nassim Nicholas Taleb. Sure he’s full of himself, and the great financial wipeout of 2008 proves that he’s right.

The Post-Office Girl by Stefan Zweig. In Austria between the two world wars, a postal employee gets a taste of the glamourous life, realizes how bleak her own life is, and decides that something must change. An unexpectedly tough novel by the author of Letter From An Unknown Woman.

The Go-Between by L.P. Hartley. This 1953 novel is the template for Ian McEwan’s Atonement. Cricket also figures in it (see Netherland).

Memoirs of an Anti-Semite by Gregor von Rezzori. The most charming narrator, the most disturbing thoughts.

Our Story Begins: New and Selected Stories by Tobias Wolff. Amazing stories.

How Fiction Works by James Wood. The critic explains why some novels leave you cold and some turn into voices in your head.

Plus:
Bangkok Haunts by John Burdett. With each new novel, Burdett’s Bangkok series gets weirder and wackier. I don’t know how he’s going to top this.

Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy; The Honourable Schoolboy; and Smiley’s People by John Le Carre. So tense, your muscles are toned for days afterwards.

*****

Reader: Jaime Augusto Zobel de Ayala
Early reading: Biggles

The Private Patient by PD James. Anything new by PD James is always a pleasure. One of the finest crime writers out there. Thoughtful, intelligent, perceptive and human. Commander Dagliesh, her detective throughout many of her novels, is always an interesting and complex character. Isolated manor in the English countryside, murder, complex cast of characters… you feel like sitting by a fireplace and reading this in one go.

Breath by Tim Winton. I am a big fan of Winton. A young Australian novelist on the cusp of being recognized by the Booker Prize judges. This is a coming of age story in rural Australia that revolves around surfing. His prose is magnificent and lyrical, as always. Haunting story. Wrenches the emotions out of you. His prose verges on poetry.

The White Rock by Hugh Thomson. I picked this up in the airport while visiting Machu Picchu this summer. Wonderful real story of a modern day explorer. Sets out to learn more about the Incas after a round of beer at his local pub in England and ends up becoming an expert on Inca history and archaeology. It is a meditation on exploration, discovery, travel and an entertaining and enlightening history of the Incas. He has a great sense of humor.

The Terror by Dan Simmons. A fat tome, loosely based on the doomed polar expedition led by Sir John Franklin in 1845. If you like arctic adventure laced with gothic horror and the macabre… this is for you. Unusual and heavily laden with esoteric 19th Century sailing details. I found it appealing, despite its length, in that it reaches a higher level of enlightenment towards the end that raises it above the level of the average horror story.

The Ascent of Money by Niall Ferguson. Fabulous and entertaining Harvard based historian. Traces the history of money and commerce. Always intelligent and enlightening.

When Markets Collide by Mohammed El-Erian. Finance experts do not come any smarter. Slightly heavy going but he does give good suggestions on how to survive this financial turmoil. He ran the Harvard University endowment successfully for a couple of years and it lost 20 % of its value after he left.

The Death of the Banker by Ron Chernow. This light (in terms of volume) work came about from a series of lectures he gave on merchant banking through the ages with an emphasis on the 19th Century. Covers wonderful names like the Warburgs, JP Morgan and the Rothschilds. Elegant, illuminating and entertaining guide to finance over the last two centuries.

Effi Briest by Theodore Fontane. Just started reading this. Good so far. Set in Germany at the time of Bismarck. One of Thomas Mann’s favorite novels. Supposedly a classic.

The Black Swan by Nassim Taleb. Thought provoking book on the unpredictability of forecasting. He and Niall Ferguson (see above) feed off each other. He thinks a bit too much of himself but he does have some interesting ideas.

*****

Reader: Din Atienza
Early reading: The comic books section of the old Makati Supermart

To Your Scattered Bodies Go by Philip Jose Farmer. The first book of the Riverworld saga. Everyone who has ever lived on Earth discovers that they’ve been resurrected on the banks of a planet-spanning river, miraculously provided with food. Sir Richard Burton, Alice Pleasance Liddell Hargreaves (the Victorian girl who was the inspiration for Alice in Wonderland), an English-speaking Neanderthal, a WWII Holocaust survivor, and a wise extraterrestrial set off to find the source of the river and the true purpose of Riverworld.

The Yiddish Policemen’s Union by Michael Chabon. What if Alaska, not Israel, had become the homeland for the Jews after World War II? In Sitka, where Orthodox gangs (with dreadlocks and knee breeches) roam the streets, Detective Meyer Landsman must solve the murder of a heroin-addled chess prodigy. Told as 40’s noir; explores identity, home and faith.

The Deathbird Stories by Harlan Ellison. Thoughtful, muscular short stories from a writer who’s won enough Hugos to make a picket fence. Adrift Off the Islets of Langerhans. Basilisk. No clunkers.

Watchmen by Alan Moore and Dave Gibbons. Re-read it, prepping for the movie.

Philippine Speculative Fiction Vol. 3 (2007) edited by Dean Francis Alfar & Nikki Alfar

Objects in Mind by Sherry Turkle. Essays on science, technology and love; what role do objects play in the creative development of a scientist? Can a favorite toy (bubbles, prisms, sand castles, magnets) lead to a career in science?

The Wisdom of Whores: Bureaucrats, Brothels and the Business of AIDS by Elizabeth Pisani. An account of the pale underbelly of international AIDS research, “a world of money and votes, a world of medical enquiry and lobbyists, of pharmaceutical manufacturing and environmental activism and religions and political ideologies. … ” She tells of her realization in graduate school that “we could save more lives with good science if we spent less time worrying about publishing the perfect paper and more time lobbying, more time schmoozing the press, more time speaking in the language that voters and politicians understand.”

My Stroke of Insight by Jill Bolt Taylor. A neuroanatomist’s blow-by-blow description of her own massive stroke. She observed her own mind completely deteriorate to the point that she could not walk, talk, read, write, or recall any of her life, within four hours. Now fully recovered, she is an activist for stroke rehabilitation. First learned of it on TED.com, which hosts short videos on Technology, Entertainment and Design.

*****

To be updated. Readers, please pass your papers.

All I can report is that they fraking hate you.

December 15, 2008 By: jessicazafra Category: Clothing, Current Events 6 Comments →

Dec. 14 (Bloomberg) — President George W. Bush ducked two shoes thrown at him by a man during a press conference in the Iraqi prime minister’s office to mark the signing of a security agreement.

Bush wasn’t hit by the shoes, which both sailed over his head after they were thrown one after the other. The president shrugged and said “I’m OK” after the incident in Baghdad today. “All I can report is it is a size 10,” Bush said afterwards.

Dubya, you’re talking about two shoes, plural, so “All I can report is that the shoes are size 10” or “…the pair is size 10.”

Would make an excellent ad for shoes, though.