JessicaRulestheUniverse.com

Mat: What a stupid, pointless story. Good thing I am very handsome.

On Sunday I was walking around the mall with my friend Maria Consolata, Maricon for short, when we saw a nice big bag in the window of Onitsuka Tiger. “Look,” I said, “That bag is you. Very timely since your present bag is falling apart.”

Maricon agreed. We went into the store to check out the price tag. It cost more than twice what Maricon had paid for his bag; granted he bought that on sale several years ago.

“But aren’t you getting a big fat cheque?” I reminded Maricon.

“You are evil,” he declared. We walked some more. This time we saw a bag in the window of Tumi.

“It’s bulletproof, right?” Maricon said. “Made of kevlar.”

“Kevlar?” I cried. Tell me something is made of kevlar and I’ll want it. “You must get it then.”

“But will my Macbook fit in it?” Maricon said.

“Of course it will.”

The whole time we were examining the bag and discussing its uses the salesman stood watching us like a lump. We were clearly interested in the merchandise, he could hear us asking questions, but he made no move to assist us. It was as if his job description were not “salesperson” but “statue”. They couldn’t get a more attractive statue?

“It doesn’t have a compartment for a laptop,” Maricon pointed out.

“So? You can put your computer in a sleeve.” I picked up a laptop sleeve from the display and put it inside the bag. It fit.

“That’s not for computers,” the salesperson said, noticing us at last. “That’s only for documents.” Bad enough that he was dissuading the customer from buying the product, but he made no attempt to show us a bag specifically designed for a computer. Perhaps we were not the sort of people he imagined using Tumi products. It’s a good thing he works around kevlar.

“But I like it,” Maricon said. “You evil girl, now I’ll have to get money from the ATM.” I had to be home by 4 so I walked him to the ATM and said goodbye.

Ten minutes later, this text message. Overcome by virtue. Did not buy the bag. Yet.

Wow! I replied. Impressive self-control, aided by zombie salesperson.

Kerek!

If he had been Daniel Matsunaga that bag would’ve been sold.

Three bags at least, plus that huge bag in leather. And I could’ve gone back to Onitsuka Tiger but didn’t. Such virtue. I wonder what stupidity I’ll commit next.

Option paralysis. You have too many options so you pick none.

Good deterrent to impulse buying.

The following day:

Bill payment day. Money withdrawn for bag used to pay electric and phone bills. I feel doubly virtuous. But where’s the fun?

You horrible goody-goody.

I know, I will go to goody two shoes hell.

Where he descended not five minutes later.

The joys of PLDT. Cashier shortchanges me and says, “50 centavos lang naman.” So she gives me 25 centavos and uses calculator to subtract 44 centavos to find that the change is actually 56 centavos. A summa in math! After paying I need to talk to “Customer Care/Service” which are of course both oxymorons, and I have to fall in line again.

See how quickly you are punished for being good, I replied.

So soon. Too soon.

Two minutes later:

Wait! The customer service number queue skips from 98 to 104. I’m 108. God is in his heaven.

The cosmos is merely taunting you. You will be served by a total dimwit.

Rats! The system remembered what it skipped. And there is no visual distraction of any kind.
Insult to injury: The system conks out. Now we are reduced to random numbers being called out. I can see tomorrow’s tabloid headline. . .

Bakla nag-amok dahil di binili ang bag! (Gay man runs amok after not buying bag!)

Dahil walang guapo! (Gay man runs amok because there are no cute guys!)

FYI you can pay your bills at Banco de Oro branches.

But where else can I get this Kafkaesque sense of inutility and inhumanity?

Easy: while trying to hail a taxi.

I wash the dust off my feet and curse this office. And head for Greenbelt. Danger.

To ward off further bad luck, Maricon went to Onitsuka Tiger and bought a bag.