JessicaRulestheUniverse.com

We went to Off-Road NZ in Rotorua. Four of you get into a Suzuki four-wheel drive and negotiate a series of obstacles in a rain forest setting. There is plenty of screaming involved. The sign in the office reminds customers that under New Zealand law it is extremely difficult to file suit if you get injured doing the off-road safari which you undertook of your own free will. However, the risk is greatly diminished by the fact that instructors run ahead of your vehicle and give you instructions by CB radio.

Our problem was very basic. None of us drive. (What, and deprive myself of the joy of arguing with taxi drivers?) So we looked at the members of the group who could drive and calculated that our best chance of survival was to ride with Daniel. He seems sane, plus I figure that since luck is a large factor in these adventures, it makes sense to pick the handsome one because obviously the universe likes him and is therefore less likely to squash him like a bug while he’s driving the car we’re in. (True, I often argue the exact opposite of this “logic”. I don’t think “self-serving” is a negative concept.)

There was this very friendly dog in the office, and when the vehicles set off he ran along. “Ay, masasagasaan yung aso!” (The dog will get run over!) we cried. We quickly discovered that the dog runs ahead of the vehicles, mocking the adventurers. (You call that thrilling? I run faster than your cars do.)

The high point of the 4WD Bush Safari is the luge: a very steep slide with the potential for all kinds of catastrophe. The instructor had everyone get out of the car to look down the luge, and then she gave very clear, detailed instructions about how to complete the maneuver without flying, flipping over, or doing impressions of Wile E. Coyote.

“When I say ‘Hard on the brakes’, the driver has to step on the brakes and the navigator pull the hand brake.” She repeated this several times. Thanks to our seating plan I was the navigator. “Can you do that?” Daniel asked.

“Of course,” I replied. “What’s a handbrake?”

So that’s what you call that thingy between the front seats. “Do I just pull it up once, or am I supposed to hold on to it?”

Obviously we survived. That dog is laughing at us.