JessicaRulestheUniverse.com

1. Bert distrusts Christopher Nolan because he is gimmicky. Really, a movie you can play backwards? And if the amnesiac in Memento is tattooing the facts onto his skin so he won’t forget them, do the tattoos have to be so pretty?

I enjoy Christopher Nolan’s movies very much, but I also suspect that he might be a pretentious twat. His movies sound like they were written by someone who swallowed a Philo textbook.

All Christopher Nolan movies are about how smart Christopher Nolan is. They appeal to people who think they are smarter than everyone else. Which is not necessarily a bad thing if you Are smarter than everyone else (and tragic if you aren’t).

2. Urgent message from Bernard-Henri: “Stop the wall-to-wall music! This has been going on since Dark Knight and we are not amused! Make Hans Zimmer shut up! Shuuuut uuuup!

“Zimmer’s music is there to tell the non-nerds what they’re supposed to be feeling about all these ideas they do not understand at all.

“But I liked the M.C. Escher stairs and the Zabriskie Point ripoff.”

3. I’ve read early reviews that rave about the movie without mentioning what it’s about. Inception is about a crew engaged in a specialized form of corporate espionage: they steal ideas right out of the subject’s mind while the subject is dreaming. It gets complicated because there are dreams within dreams within dreams, which you know because sometimes you dream that you’ve woken up, taken a shower, and gotten dressed for work when you’re still snoring in your pajamas. Also, the subconscious is a minefield laden with issues, memories you don’t want to have, memories you can’t let go of, and tons of junk.

In sum: for this movie Christopher Nolan swallowed a Psych textbook. Which doesn’t mean I didn’t enjoy it. I was thrilled! Though I don’t trust Christopher Nolan entirely.

4. I like the idea of a militarized subconscious. My own is patrolled by an army of neuroses, each with their own neuroses. Try breaking into my brain, I dare you.

5. This is how I think Christopher Nolan came up with the concept for Inception (and he does love a concept). “I want things to fly apart in slow motion. I want cities to fold in on themselves. I want people to walk up a wall and grapple in mid-air. I want down to be up and up to be down. I want the viewer to be so boggled he can’t tell his ass from his forehead. Oh, and I want all the actors to look fabulous. Now what story would cover these?”

And the actors do look fabulous. Thank you, Wally Pfister. I wonder if it’s a relief for Leonardo DiCaprio to no longer be the most beautiful human in the room. The crown and sash go to Cillian Murphy or Joseph Gordon-Levitt or even Tom Hardy from RocknRolla. Ellen Page looks lovely. Of course Marion Cotillard is so beautiful, looking at her is like being slapped.

6. My advice is, Don’t Think. Don’t go into the theatre prepared to puzzle out the movie and find the trick. Dreams have their own logic, as Franz Kafka and David Lynch have taught us, except that they never open the curtains and announce, ‘It’s all a dream! Ta-daa!’

Dreams don’t have to make sense. Just go into the theatre and enjoy the ride. It’s not an IQ test, it’s entertainment!

Plus if you don’t commit to one system of logic, you cannot be wrong.

The full review in the paper on Sunday.

Blast, when is the electricity coming back, I have to write my column.

Inception opens in regular cinemas and IMAX theatres on Thursday, 15 July 2010.

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Nerdiest Review of the Week, from Bernard-Henri: “Inception is Last Year At Marienbad with CGI, including the obsession with dreams and architecture.”

Recommended reading after you watch Inception: A Scientist Takes On Gravity in the NYT.

Illustration by Elwood H. Smith.